The Straight Dope

There has been a lot of information about Bush's Air National Guard service, or lack thereof, surfacing in recent days. Your intrepid reporter has been doing some digging and we now have info that will put this matter to rest once and for all.

Our sources, though wishing to remain anonymous, did in fact "cross their hearts and hope to die", thus proving the following to be irrefutable.

In actual fact, Bush went missing from the Alabama ANG for five months due to action by the air base Bicycle Repair Division mechanics. The mechanics were overworked and exhausted, and their morale was at an all-time low, because Lt. Bush had crashed every bike on the ANG base, due no doubt to his predilection for strong drink. When action through the normal chain of command produced no results, as Lt. Bush was politically well-connected and shielded from above, they took matters into their own hands.

Early one morning, when Lt. Bush was sleeping very soundly, the mechanics managed to get him into a large sack and spirited him away to a secure location, where they removed him from the sack, hog-tied him, re-inserted him into the sack, and left him.

Eventually, Lt. Bush awoke and, after much wriggling, managed to worm his way out of his bonds, a talent which has always served him well and continues to do so to this very day.

Since the mechanics had left him in the liquor storage room of the base Officer's Club, and there were plenty of comestibles, such as pickled pigs feet and Slim Jims, to sustain life, Lt. Bush thought he had died and gone to Heaven and thus saw no reason to leave. His presence was only discovered, after five months, by an alert club manager who noticed the club was losing money. Lt. Bush was returned to duty with the aid of several burly NCO's from the base Air Police Platoon.

There has been speculation that Lt. Bush intentionally missed his required flight physical due to his concern that traces of cocaine would show up in his blood test results. While no doubt warranted by him, these concerns have been shown to be false. A reputable source, wishing to remain anonymous and known only to this reporter as "The Candy Man", has stated that Lt. Bush did not have to worry about this as the so-called "Peruvian Marathon Talking Powder" purchased by him from said source, was not in fact cocaine, but a common household product called "Drano" and would not have shown up as cocaine in test results. "Candy Man" reports that Lt. Bush apparently took a liking to this product and would call him at all hours in an attempt to "score" more of it, at a reported $130 per gram. "Candy Man" further states that he "wished he had a dozen more customers like that fool." This is the first time this reporter has heard of anybody being strung out on drain cleaner, and may explain a lot about Mr. Bush's current behavior and even his policies.

Now that the truth of this matter is known, perhaps the election campaign can get on to more important issues.