Yo, Teheran, Listen Up!

We know you'll see this. If your Intelligence Service doesn't see it, CIA and Mossad read The Alternate Brain every day (this is where they get most of their info, after all) and they'll let you know.

Here's the deal: We know that you abided by the terms of the Nuclear Non-proliferation Treaty for several years after the Shah was deposed, but now you are actively seeking to have your own, in-house, nuclear weapons. We believe this is because you are scared of us and wish to have a deterrent. Maybe you're scared of Pakistan and India, too, but we can't speak for them.

Don't be scared of America. Be scared of George W. Bush. Wouldn't blame you a bit, but rest assured we are doing everything we can to send his ass back to Texas. In any case, he won't be around long.

If you don't have nuclear weapons, we will never launch a nuclear strike against you, at least not after Bush is gone. Believe this.

If, on the other hand, you manufacture or otherwise acquire nukes, then we are likely to be scared of YOU. Our biggest nightmare is a bunch of fundamentalist religious right-wing nutjobs with nuclear weapons. This is one of the reasons we are trying to get rid of Bush.

Point is, we have about 5000 nuclear warheads left over from the Cold War. If our satellites pick up a launch bloom from Iran, you are likely to become a self-lighting, glass-surfaced parking lot. You may not even have time to face Mecca and pray for forgiveness, or whatever it is you pray for.

We are here to stay. Hopefully, so are you. Don't do anything stupid. If you think Allah is telling you to destroy us, He is chumping you like Bush et al. try to do to us, and it could easily be fatal.

Does the State Department talk to other countries like this? If they don't, maybe they should.