Ahem ...

Blame watertiger for reminding me, but allow me to bitch for a moment.

1. Excuse me, Delta, and the rest of you, but fuck you, in the ass, with a stick. I paid $1.85 for regular gas yesterday; why are you still charging me a 'per bag' fee? What the fuck you think I'm gonna live out for two weeks, with formal engagements included? My wife's fucking pocketbook and my computer case? Fuck you again.

2. Once more, Delta, and the rest of you, but as I said in '1', gas is $1.85 a gallon. Why the fuck am I still paying an overweight charge for bags over 50 lbs? When I was younger I used to bring everything I own, needed a fucking forklift to pick it up. The fucking plane still flew. Again, what the fuck do you expect me to live out of for two weeks? My fucking duffel bag from the Air Force? "That will be $15 please, Mr. Fixer." Fuck you.

2a. And your gate agent at JFK can suck my hairy white ass for her attitude. Lecturing me for having two(!) overweight bags? If it'd been a guy they'd have been wiring up his jaw. Listen, we used points for the flights to Ft. Lauderdale and back, but it was like buying an extra fucking ticket for my suitcases. Seriously, fuck you.

3. To my fellow cruise passengers who think because they spent thousands of dollars on their cruise gives them the right to treat the people who serve them like shit. A big, hearty, fuck you with a telephone pole in the ass ... dry (yes, Gord, all the way). Goddamnit, you fucking people walking around like you're King Shit because you rented a tux and bought a new pair of shoes. Just because they don't speak English well, or are a different color than you are, doesn't mean you can abuse them. They are people, just like you and me, busting their asses to make a little money and make sure I have a good time. They come from impoverished countries (if you got to know them, you'd find they're not stupid and care about the same things we do), sometimes having to spend as much as a year away from their families (I've watched some of their children grow up through pictures over the years), all to make sure you have the best vacation ever. They put their pants on the same way you and I do. Suck my monkey ass, you cretins.

4. And while we're on the subject of cruise and airline passengers, fuck your kids. I like kids, I really do. I have nephews and nieces ranging in age from 6 to 30, all of whom I adore, but when they acted up their parents kept them in line. Your kids are not the greatest thing to walk the Earth and not everything they do is good, or smart, or cute. Turning them loose at the baggage claim to play WWE Wrestling as I'm pulling an overweight bag ("Are you buying a ticket for that, Mr. Fixer?") off the carousel. My back doesn't need me suddenly changing direction with 65 lbs. and your little savages don't need me dropping it on them. Turning them loose on the cruise ship elevators unsupervised is a dumbass idea too. Leaving them unattended on a cruise ship after turning them loose on the other passengers isn't a good idea either. Big ocean out there. Little Johnny is but a drop (on several levels). Discipline the little shits or they'll be swimming to Catalina.

5. See '1' and '2', you cheap motherfuckers. You're too cheap to pay the $25 for the second bag, let alone the $15 for the first so you jam everything you own in a 'carry-on' bag the size of a Fruehauf trailer. In addition to my computer bag and my wife's travel bag, which fit under the seat, we had another the size of a plastic grocery bag. You think I found enough space overhead to jam it? Fuck me, you people. If I donated all the shit you carry on to an aircraft, I'd get a tax deduction so big I wouldn't have to pay for 5 years. Fuck you, cough up the $40 or stay home. I gotta pay, you gotta pay, you cheap bastids.

And in general, I'm tired of seeing you people who think the world revolves around them. It doesn't and the better majority of us don't give a shit if you live or die, let alone care that the "pool boy" wouldn't hold your chair all day so just in case you want to get some sun, there would be a chair free for your botoxed, siliconed, old ass. Shut the fuck up and get out of my space.

Thanks for listening, ladies and gents. I'm better now.