The evil gay agenda is nearly complete. Who poses the next horrible, godless threat?
This much we know: We gotta have an enemy.
It's just a basic, nation-defining requirement. We must, as a culture, as a people, always find some sort of scapegoat upon which to blame all our ills. It's just how we roll.
Communists had their turn. Feminists. Hippies. Then came the evil homosexual people, with their famous, much-lauded agenda to destroy the holy sanctimony of Christian marriage via encouraging girls to smoke and listen to punk rock, teaching interior decorating to straight boys and convincing innocent church pastors and Republican senators to fellate them in cheap motel rooms. The horror!
Will it be, say, the polyamorists? Vegetarians? Yoga teachers? Polyamorist vegetarian yoga teachers who like anal sex and Ecstasy and really strong coffee? We must ponder. We must find out.
Some possibilities:
There are many, but this one is mine. Heh.
Old people. Oh my God, of course! Generation Boomer is just about to swarm into retirement, destroy Social Security, ruin Medicare and collectively forget where they parked their golf cart. Their nefarious agenda: black socks with sandals, "Mama's Family" reruns on prime-time, and turning the entire country into south Florida. Watch in horror as grandma lures your children into compliance with stories about long-play records and Pontiac Trans Ams and giving blowjobs to the Grateful Dead. Our country's fallen and it can't get up!
Smart people. And now, the most sinister threat of all. Is there a darker menace to the American way of life, to Christian panic and Republican clenchiness and widespread hysteria, than lots and lots of calm intelligence? After all, knowledge is power. Knowledge is the ability to see past the knee-jerk reactionaries, the sexual panic, the shrill, God-thumping nonsense. Knowledge is, therefore, evil like candy.
It might be too late. The disturbing agenda of President Obama, already one of the most calmly intelligent humans in U.S. political history, is beginning to have a truly nightmarish effect, as he inspires millions to take more responsibility, not merely for their lives, but for their choices, for their kids' future, for the health of their very own brains.
He is, in short, well on his way to destroying the very ideas that made this country great: insularity, fear of the Other, gluttony, lousy grammar and generally not knowin' much 'bout nuthin'. Hide the children.
If we leave it to the wingtards, we'll lose the secrets of fire and the wheel. Enjoy the rest of the article.
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