New Bill Requires Man To View Sonogram Photos Before Having Sex With Someone Half His Age

Goblinbooks

A controversial new bill is making its way through both houses of Congress that would require older men to view sonogram photos, grade school class pictures, and birthday video footage of women half their age with whom they wish to engage in sexual intercourse. The Family Values Law, as it's called, is supported by a variety of activist groups, but it is bitterly opposed by a coalition of state senators, church leaders, and corporate CEOs.
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Political insiders speculate wildly on whether the bill will ever make it out of Congress. On one hand, many of the most powerful legislators in both the House and Senate will be directly affected. But the bill is gaining widespread grassroots support that makes it difficult to oppose. Religious figures -- many of whom are elderly men themselves -- are staging a massive write-in campaign against it, arguing that Scripture and church traditions don't prohibit an old man betraying his marriage vows and moving in with his massage therapist.

"This law would discriminate against people like us," says the pastor of a Norfolk-area megachurch who spoke on condition of anonymity, because of pending legal issues. "God wants everybody -- all straight, elderly, rich men -- to be happy. That message is throughout the Bible."

"He's right," admits Schell. "Then again, there's some really sick crap in that book."

Most wingnut christowhackos' Bibles fall open right at those passages as well.

Note: CLEARLY LABELLED SATIRE. I hope.

Defending the Constitution ...

From America's finest news source:

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"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

"Men like Madison and Jefferson were moved by the ideals of Christianity, and wanted the United States to reflect those values as a Christian nation," continued Mortensen, referring to the "Father of the Constitution," James Madison, considered by many historians to be an atheist, and Thomas Jefferson, an Enlightenment-era thinker who rejected the divinity of Christ and was in France at the time the document was written. "The words on the page speak for themselves."

According to sources who have read the nation's charter, the U.S. Constitution and its 27 amendments do not contain the word "God" or "Christ."

Mortensen said his admiration for the loose assemblage of vague half-notions he calls the Constitution has only grown over time. He believes that each detail he has pulled from thin air—from prohibitions on sodomy and flag-burning, to mandatory crackdowns on immigrants, to the right of citizens not to have their hard-earned income confiscated in the form of taxes—has contributed to making it the best framework for governance "since the Ten Commandments."

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In America of the 21st Century, satire is closer to reality than the news. Heh ...

Labels: CLEARLY LABELLED SATIRE

Fox News Reports: Obama Starting to Wonder Why He Moved to U.S.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – According to the Fox News Channel, President Barack Obama is so weary of the debt ceiling stalemate in Congress that he is beginning to wonder why he moved to the United States in the first place.

Fox News anchor Shepard Smith broke the story today, reporting that "sources close to the President say he's increasingly nostalgic for the land of his birth."

"To someone like President Obama, this wrangling in Congress must seem very foreign," said Mr. Smith. "In Kenya, debt ceilings are raised automatically by the village elders, who then celebrate with a ceremonial feast of cabbage, mangoes and goat."

While Mr. Smith stopped short of saying that Mr. Obama planed to leave Washington and return to his native Kenya, "his birth certificate does allow him to return at any time he sees fit."
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In other debt ceiling news, by unanimous vote the House of Representatives passed a bill raising Speaker of the House John Boehner's medication.

As for the debt ceiling negotiations, they are "right on schedule," according to the ancient Mayans.

God Urges Rick Perry Not To Run For President

From America's Finest News Source:

AUSTIN, TX—Describing Texas Gov. Rick Perry as grossly unqualified for the position, God, the Creator and Ruler of the Universe, urged Perry not to run for president of the United States Wednesday. “I prayed last night and asked the Lord to support my candidacy, and He said no,” Perry told reporters outside the Texas Capitol, explaining that God had cited the governor’s rejection of federal stimulus funds to expand state jobless benefits, his irresponsible speculation about Texas seceding from the union, and his overall lack of concrete solutions to nation’s problems as reasons why He could not endorse a Perry presidential bid. “I believe God made some valid points about my lack of credentials, and He’s absolutely right. My extreme beliefs when it comes to social issues and states’ rights are not only disturbingly narrow-minded, but would also make me a horrible president.” When reached for comment, God said He would not be present at Perry’s much-talked-about Christian day of prayer on Aug. 6, calling the governor’s use of his public office to endorse a religion both “irresponsible” and a violation of the Constitution.

Rabid Dog Mistaken for Tea Party Candidate

JEFFERSON CITY, MO (The Borowitz Report) – A rabid Doberman Pinscher jumped on stage at a Tea Party rally in Missouri on Labor Day and barked at the crowd for nearly twenty minutes before people realized he was not a candidate.

The dog, later identified by its owner as “Mister Buster,” held the crowd spellbound as he barked, growled, and frothed at the mouth, eventually receiving a standing ovation for his exertions.

“I liked what he had to say,” she said. ”He reminded me of Glenn Beck, only furrier.”
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“I liked the way he bit off that guy’s hand, and the way he did his business in the middle of the stage,” she said. ”We need more of that in Washington.”

An understandable mistake, given the tone of the 'Bagger candidates and the intelligence of their supporters.

Republicans Propose Replacing Social Security with Groupons

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Presenting what he called a revolutionary plan to slash the nation’s mountain of debt, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) today proposed eliminating the Social Security program in its entirety and replacing it with Groupons.

“Instead of waiting each month for a check from Social Security, America’s elderly will receive valuable Groupons for everything they need, from Ramen noodles to cat food to caskets,” Mr. Ryan said in an appearance on Fox News.

Adding that Groupons would also help provide for elders’ medical needs, the congressman illustrated his point by holding up a Groupon offering 30 percent off on open-heart surgery in Cincinnati.

Moving on from Social Security, Mr. Ryan also proposed replacing Medicare with a new program in which seniors are shot at by Predator drones.

Speaker of the House John Boehner, appearing alongside Rep. Ryan, offered these words of praise for the Wisconsin congressman: “Preachers like Harold Camping go around predicting the end of the world, but it’s guys like Paul Ryan who do the hard work of making it happen.”

Word.

VA Patients To Share Prosthetics After Kasich Denies Funds

Do not miss this!

Delaware Ohio News

All amputees being treated in Ohio Veterans Affairs (VA) hospitals will be forced to share prosthetics after Governor John Kasich formally denied a $5,000,000 grant from the federal government late last week.

Under normal circumstances, veterans who lose a limb in battle are fitted for their own custom prosthetics. Without the funds necessary to continue this program, Ohio veterans will now have to share a dozen or so generic prosthetics across the entire state.

In a speech at Ohio State University on Sunday, Kasich said the grant is unnecessary and is a prime example of “irresponsible liberal deficit spending.”

“The federal government is 14 trillion dollars in debt,” Kasich said. “I won’t stand by and let President Obama waste our hard-earned tax dollars on these freeloading veterans of foreign wars.”

“I think most of the hard working, decent people in Ohio agree with me that there are better things we could be spending our tax dollars on than war veterans crying for a handout. ‘Ooooh, I want to be able to walk up to my house to see my child for the first time.’ Please. Watch out for the land mine next time, idiot,” Kasich said. “And what are these veteran amputees going to do to stop me? Walk up to the voting booth on imaginary legs in three years? Press the button for another candidate with the arm or hand they don’t have? Not if I can help it.”

VA nurse Bonnie Bennington was disappointed by the governor’s decision.
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“I bet if the money were going toward cardboard cutouts of Jesus for veterans who lost their faith, Johnny Boy would jump right on board.”

Sergeant Tim Mentos was the most visibly upset veteran during the speech. A 2004 explosion in Iraq left him without his legs or vocal cords. Lacking the verbal and ambulatory means to properly demonstrate his outrage, he signed to his son who was standing at his side to toss him toward the governor in order to deliver an elbow drop. He was caught in midair by the governor’s security detail and nearly beaten to death by guards who were wielding some of the newly confiscated prosthetics.

Ten year military veteran and amputee John Walker said this wasn’t the first time he had been raped by the government and that the new policy really didn’t surprise him.

“We aren’t surprised when politicians send us off to war and we end up maimed,” Walker said. “So there’s no reason anyone should be surprised when they put their fully functioning foot up our ass when we get back home.”

Satire is near to extinction when compared to the reality of the times. Sigh.

Republicans Vote To Repeal Obama-Backed Bill That Would Destroy Asteroid Headed For Earth

From America's Finest News Source:

Repealing the act, which opponents have branded 'Obamastroid,' has been the cornerstone of the GOP agenda since the law's passage last August. Throughout the 2010 elections, Republican candidates claimed that the Democrats' plan to smash the space rock and shield citizens from its fragments was "a classic example of the federal government needlessly interfering in the lives of everyday Americans."

"This law is a job killer," said Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC), who argued the tax increases required to save the human species from annihilation would impose unbearably high costs on businesses. "If we sit back and do nothing, Obamastroid will result in hundreds of thousands of lost jobs, which we simply can't afford in this economy."

Many GOP members have also criticized the legislation for what they consider pork-barrel spending, claiming the act includes billions in "giveaways" to NASA, nonperishable food manufacturers, and pharmaceutical companies contracted to produce mass volumes of vitamin D supplements in the likely event that dust from the asteroid's impact blots out the sun for a decade.

In an effort to counter Republicans' claims, Democrats have asserted that the long-term benefits of preventing the United States from being incinerated by an explosion several billion times more powerful than the Hiroshima bomb would far outweigh the initial monetary outlay.

Repugs would see the prevention of the destruction of the human race and maybe the planet as a victory for Obama and Democrats and are therefore against it.

More.

Most Americans Headed to Heaven, Study Shows

The Swift Report

Data reveals few immigrants, minorities in heaven

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO — A new study released this week confirms what many Americans have long suspected: that they are more likely than people from other countries to go to Heaven. The study found that nearly 75% of the people currently in Heaven were originally American citizens. By contrast, the same researchers found that Hell, largely avoided by Americans, is populated mostly by Europeans including large numbers of French, Dutch, and Danish.
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The study, the largest of its kind, was based on registration data collected at the entry to the Kingdom of Heaven between 1999 and 2009. Researchers discarded registration materials that were filled out in languages other than English, the language that the Bible was original written in. They also eliminated Heaven entrance forms that were completed in English but indicated a non-US originating address, including those from the United Kingdom, Australia, Jamaica and New Zealand.

The research provides a definitive answer to one question that had proved baffling to experts: is President Obama bound for heaven? The data says no, notes Dr. Myer. “As a Muslim he’s more likely to end up in Paradise or what’s known as Jannatu al-Ma`wa.” Adding to the president’s long odds: few Kenyans were found to reside in heaven. “The president would have a much better shot of getting through the Pearly Gates if he was a Christian and had been born here,” says Myers.

What accounts for the strong presence of Americans in Heaven? Afterlife analysts say that Americans are more likely than citizens of other countries to find themselves bound for eternal happiness because they are Christian, God’s chosen religion. Add to that the fact that most Americans support positions that Jesus Christ would likely endorse were He alive today — including small government, low taxes on upper income citizens and Social Security privatization — and the over-representation of US-born citizens in the New Jerusalem is no mystery, say experts.

Well, I'm glad that's cleared up.

Gays target DADT's last bastion

Don Davis

Coming off perhaps their biggest victory yet with the repeal of the military’s “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy, the leading gay and lesbian civil rights organizations are now planning to take on the last U.S. institution to follow this outdated policy: The Republican Party itself.

David Brock of Media Matters, who served as a key leader of the campaign to repeal DADT in the armed forces, admitted that “this may well the most daunting task faced by the LGBT community, since the uber-macho culture of the GOP makes the United States Marine Corps look like a Sunday afternoon tea party.”

Sir! Steep for two minutes! Aye-aye Sir! Stir, two! Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Not surprisingly, John McCain immediately registered his objections, stating on the Senate floor that the GOP “simply cannot afford such a radical change, particularly in the middle of the War Against Obama.” McCain later told Bill O’Reilly: “Just imagine how it would feel to suddenly wake up one morning and discover that the Chamber of Commerce lobbyist you’re in bed with … is actually gay!”

More.

Update:

"...founding document has ‘jumped the shark.’ "

The Swift Report

Effort to Merge Constitution, Ten Commandments Gains Steam

A growing body of detractors warns that Constitution “goes too far” and “shouldn’t apply” to luminaries of the political right.

Sources close to the Constitution say that its troubles began as early as 1791 with the adoption of the Bill of Rights. While fans praise the Constitution’s “commitment to free speech” and say it’s “unsurpassed” as a “ruling document,” a growing body of detractors warns that the document “goes too far” and “shouldn’t apply” to “criticism of Sarah Palin” and other luminaries of the political right. The Constitution has also seen its fan base shrink due to a persistent Internet rumor that the words separation of church and state appear in its text—a misconception that lives on despite the efforts of Constitutional experts.

While the two governing documents contain essential differences, even contradictions—experts say that reconciling the 2nd Amendment’s right to bear arms with the 6th Commandment, “thou shall not kill,” could prove difficult—they share one essential attribute: Americans are only vaguely acquainted with either. According to recent reports, fewer than a third of Americans have read the entire Constitution. Meanwhile, few Americans were found to be able to name more than five of the Ten Commandments. If Americans are a bit vague on what the two documents actually say, they have not doubt about who authored both the Ten Commandments and the Constitution. Recent surveys have found that patriotic Americans are more likely than their liberal counterparts to recognize Moses’ role in the creation of both documents.

Why do I have little trouble believing this?

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) December 7, 2010 – In his latest effort to find common ground with Republicans in Congress, President Barack Obama said today that he was willing to agree that he is a Muslim.

Differences over his religious orientation have been a sore point between the President and his Republican foes for the past two years, but in agreeing that he is a Muslim Mr. Obama is sending a clear signal that he is trying to find consensus.

"The American people do not want to see us fighting in Washington," Mr. Obama told reporters at the White House. "They want to see us working together to improve their lives, and Allah willing, we will."

But Mr. Obama's willing to back down on his claim of being a Christian does not seem to have satisfied his Republican opposition, as GOP leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) today insisted that the President must also agree that he was born in Kenya.

While Mr. Obama did not immediately agree to Rep. Bohener's demand, he hinted that yet another compromise might be in the offing: "My place of birth has been, and will always be, negotiable."

Arizona bans Arabic numerals

Professor Smartass

Tom Horne, Arizona's superintendent of public instruction, explains why he felt the ban was necessary: "I was shocked to learn that students at all levels were being taught with the numbers of our non-European enemies, who we are engaged in a multi-millennial existential struggle to the death with us in the War on Terror. Worse, these numbers are being used all over the country."

"If you look at this photo behind me of Osama bin Laden, you'll notice them squiggly lines in the background. Now I've been told those are actually Arabic letters, and we have absolutely no way of knowing what those letters say--hell, they might not even be spelling words in English. If our children are learning Arabic numerals, they could be passing terrorists messages without us knowing it right under our noses."

Arizona governor, Jan Brewer, fully supported Horne's move. "Superintendent Horne tells me that the Latin language, which has nothing to do with the hordes of Latin Americans swarming our borders but instead was the language of the great Caucasian Roman Empire, has a perfectly good set of numbers our teachers can begin using immediately, Roman numerals."

Bob Herman, a mudflap salesman in Tempe explains their concern. "The Roman Empire was great and all that, but didn't they roll around in the sheets with the Egyptians and Africans they conquered? Can we really be sure that those numerals were invented by a guy who was just, you know, European?"

Horne is looking to address this concern with DNA testing of ancient Romans. To prepare for the possibility of a multi-ethnic outcome, he is also scouting for backup numerals of Celtic, Viking, or at least Albino origin.

Boy, there's an "idea" from our XLVIIIth state that needs to be LXXXVIed toot de sweet, you should pardon my French.

GOP Suggests Alternate To Kagan

Via YubaNet:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Howling in protest over Obama Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan's lack of judging experience, leading Republicans today urged the President to withdraw Kagan and instead nominate Paula Abdul.

"The American people have had years of watching Paula's judging expertise, and they know that she is fair," said Sen. Jeff Sessions (R., Ala.), top Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee. "She's certainly fairer than Simon."

As to the criticism that sometimes on "American Idol" Ms. Abdul seemed to be not all there and had nothing to say, Sen. Sessions said, "You could say the same thing about Clarence Thomas."

Texas Legislature Votes To Rewrite Bible

Expanding on my blurb in an earlier post.

CLG. Hey lady, this is good and we plugged you. Leave us alone.

"The good Lord has smiled on us," said Carlton Bolton, the president and CEO of Hallelujah Press, a subsidiary of Halliburton, which received an exclusive no-bid contract to manufacture the new Bibles.

AUSTIN, Texas - (PTSD News) - Fresh from their recent success in passing laws to rewrite school history textbooks to drop discussions of FDR and unions in favor of what they called conservative intellectuals such as George W. Bush, Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber, the Texas Legislature passed a law that all Bibles in the state must be updated.

"The Bible was obviously written by Jewish liberals from New York," said Candace Sue Burnham (R-Plano). "So it's time we Christians take our Bible back to stress true family values such as hating gays, illegal Mexicans, Muslims and especially hating illegal gay Mexican Muslims."

"The current version of the Bible is riddled with communist propaganda about Jesus helping the poor," said Wayne Plugg (R-San Angelo)."That's obviously hogwash because if Jesus loved those poor people so much, he would have made them rich."

"Everyone knows that the gay agenda was to make sure the Bible left out all the gospels that our merciful Lord's greatest pleasure was to smite homosexuals," said Reverend Chuck Amer of the First Church of the Exploding Pentecost of Palestine, Texas. "So we're putting all that stuff back in."

The newly approved Bible, 'Bible: King James Dobson Version,' named after the founder of the popular Focus on the Family broadcasts, also adds the following passages: Anyone voting for Democrats must be stoned to death, global warming is Satan's favorite lie, greediness is next to godliness, people who don't speak English should be banished from the kingdom, and that slavery is not so bad if it can keep those people off the streets.

The hollowed out Bible also comes with a handgun inside.

Jesus weeps.

Is this really satire?

The World's Most Reliable News Source:

My Constituents Care Way More About Political Gamesmanship Than Jobs, Health Care, And The Economy

By House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH)

I assure you, the last thing my voters need is some well intended, do-all-I-possibly-can-to-help-the-little-guy congressman running around Washington, working across the aisle, and fighting tooth and nail for jobs, health care, and financial reform to ensure their tax dollars never end up in the hands of banks capable of holding our entire economy hostage.

No, sir. My constituents deserve better.

They deserve a leader willing to roll up his sleeves and play the types of twisted, greedy political games that, by their very nature, tear apart the fabric of our democracy for the sake of assuring reelection. They deserve someone on their side who will ask the tough questions, such as how will painting Democrats as radical ideologues play in, say, Arkansas? Can we vote "no" on the health care bill and still make it look like we give two craps about the welfare of ordinary Americans? How can we twist positive news about the GDP into a negative for the Obama administration?

The fact is, if I ever worked across the aisle to help thousands of uninsured Ohioans receive health care, I wouldn't be able to look them in the eye. How could I explain to them that I abandoned the idiotic yet politically fruitful claim that Barack Obama is a socialist bent on destroying the American way of life? How could I admit to them that deficit spending is the only way to get us out of an economic crisis perpetuated by my party's disastrous fiscal ideology? How could I tell them I stopped obsessing over scoring petty political points right before the midterm election?

How could I stop being the greedy, myopic scumbag they elected me to be?

But in the end, of course, I can't take full credit for the Republican Party's utterly undeserved yet all-too-depressingly-real resurgence. That would be unfair to my Democratic colleagues, who, in their unwillingness to act like grown adults with any kind of backbone and exercise the largest majority any party has seen in decades, have let us get away with all of it.

Thank you, you cowardly pieces of shit.

Comes awfully close to the truth, as in hits it dead center. Much more.

Obama's Declaration Of Swine Flu Emergency Prompts Pro-Swine-Flu Republican Response

The World's Best News Source

Claiming that the president was preying on the public's fear of contracting a fatal disease last week when he declared the H1N1 virus a national emergency, Republican leaders announced Wednesday that they were officially endorsing the swine flu. "Thousands of Americans—hardworking ordinary Americans like you and me—already have H1N1," Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele said during a press conference. "Now Obama wants to take that away from us. Ask yourself: Do you want the federal government making these kinds of health care decisions for you and your family?" Other prominent Republicans opposing Obama's declaration of emergency include Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal, who urged residents of his state to continue not washing their hands, and radio host Rush Limbaugh, who made a point of dying of the virus during his show on Wednesday.

Hmmmmm. Might be worth a little collateral damage such as a few million dead wingtards to get rid of Rushole.

ObamaCare to include psychological counseling for Republicans

The Seminal at FDL.

Breaking news: At a White House press briefing, Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius announced that a deal was being cut with congress to include a special program in the upcoming health care reform, commonly known as ObamaCare. “In recognition of the traumatic stress syndrome that uniquely afflicts many Republicans, we are adding a program to provide psychological counseling for those Republicans who want it. We hope that the bipartisan nature of this gesture will help to ensure speedy passage of the legislation.”

Kathleen Sebelius went on to explain the thinking behind the new program. “We are aware of the serious mental problems being faced by many Republicans in the current situation. It’s not easy going from ‘This is my country, suck it up!’ to ‘You are an undesirable, and a rather hysterical one too’. We Democrats were in a similar position eight years ago, so we know what it’s like and we can feel their pain,”

Most leading Republicans decried the move. “The White House is trying to label Republicans as loonies, but there’s nothing wrong with us! Just look at those town hall protests in August, and the tea party demonstrations. Those were good loyal patriotic Republicans just displaying their core values. The constitution gives us the right to act as we please, and we intend to keep on yelling and screaming and running around with guns until we get what we want!” proclaimed Newt Gingrich.

“It’s the liberals who are crazy!” agreed Rush Limbaugh. “Next thing, they’ll be prescribing lobotomies for conservatives! Well, if anyone tells me I need a lobotomy, I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

Asked if he was disappointed by the lack of gratitude on the part of Republican leaders, President Obama shrugged his shoulders and pointed to polling showing that many Republicans suffered from feelings of disorientation, alienation and inferiority. “We’re just trying to help these poor souls, these unfortunate fellow Americans, so they can once again lead productive lives and make positive contributions to society. Of course, we are aware that there are many cases where the psychological condition is so serious that we have to face the fact that we’re talking about a lost cause.”

“But isn’t being a Republican a ‘pre-existing condition’?” asked one of the journalists.

“Ah, now that’s a very good point,” replied Obama. “That’s why it is so important that we get the ‘public option’ included in this legislation. We’ve talked to representatives for the health insurance industry, and they’re unanimous on this. There isn’t a single one of them who are willing to attempt to get Republicans to accept reality.”

To be continued…

Better yet:

Click to embiggen

I would like to volunteer my services as a 'street surgeon'. I've never done a lobotomy with my K-Bar, but it can't be too much different than poppin' off a bottle cap. It might take openin' the gourds of quite a few Repugs to get the technique and the flat rate down pat, but what the hell, we got plenty of 'em.

Note to wingtards: You can save yourself from all this by remembering, and acting upon, the old adage:

"Better a bottle in front o' me than a frontal lobotomy."

Whatever takes the teabaggers etc. out of the political discussion, or rather turns their idiot blathering into a discussion by their absence, is fine with me.

Majority Of Newspapers Now Purchased By Kidnappers To Prove Date

From The World's Best News Source, after The Daily Show of course:

NEW YORK—According to a report published this week in American Journalism Review, 93 percent of all newspaper sales can now be attributed to kidnappers seeking to prove the day's date in filmed ransom demands.

"Although the vast majority of Americans now get their news from the Internet or television, a small but loyal criminal element still purchases newspapers at a steady rate," study author and Columbia journalism professor Linus Ridell said. "The sober authority of the printed word continues to hold value for those attempting to extort large sums of money from wealthy people who wish to see their loved ones alive again, and not chopped into pieces and left in steamer trunks on their doorsteps."

"These are sick, sick individuals," Ridell added. "God bless them for saving our industry."

"They're also great for wrapping up a severed ear and mailing it to the family when they don't come through with the cash fast enough," the source continued. "And I always enjoy reading For Better Or For Worse."

[...] While most Americans have cut back on specialty publications, kidnappers still find them useful for making cut-and-paste ransom letters and death threats.

Although newsstand sales remain steady, neither newspapers nor magazines have seen much growth in terms of subscriptions, as their last existing consumers are extremely reluctant to provide permanent addresses.

"In order to reflect the purchasing habits of our most loyal customers, we will work with our distributors to ensure that these people can get newspapers at all hours of the night in inconspicuous, security-camera-free venues," said billionaire media mogul Rupert Murdoch, who later offhandedly mentioned that his wife often takes late-evening walks all by herself. "As long as violent sociopaths continue to abduct those closest to affluent people for huge cash ransoms, the long and storied tradition of the American newspaper will be preserved."

And let's not forget that there's nothing better than newsprint for firing up the woodstove and lining the birdcage, not to mention the classic presentation of fish and chips.

Besides, where else can you find out which of your neighbors are being foreclosed on without the 'notice of trustees sales' in the classified ads?

GOP Claims Olympia Snowe Was Born in Kenya

Andy Borowitz via YubaNet

Just moments after she broke with fellow Republicans and voted in favor of health care reform, Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-ME) came under fire from the GOP for allegedly lying about her nation of birth.

"This vote is going to raise suspicions, once again, that Sen. Snowe was born in Kenya," said GOP Chairman Michael Steele. "We demand that she prove, once and for all, that she is definitely not Kenyan."

Orly Taitz, leader of the so-called "birther" movement, said that Sen. Snowe's vote was "textbook Kenyan" behavior: "She's putting her tribe first."

Elsewhere, the Rev. Moon married 10,000 people, putting him slightly ahead of Liza Minnelli.