IRON HYMEN - Abstinence-Only Coolness for Girls

A bit of fun for the week-end.

Ok girls, no more sex for you. It's bad, it's dirty, and it puts America in great danger of evil things like EU, socialism, not going to church, or worse. In fact, its tantamount to sedition and terrorism.

But thanks to God who blesses Texas all day long, there is an answer. Here at the The IRON HYMEN Youth Purity Center, you can find out all about it and how to protect your hoo-hoo from filfthy commie hungry peckers.

Here is a preview:

The IRON HYMEN Abstinence-Only Education Program is produced by the US Dept. of Health & Human Services and the White House Office of Youth Purity.

A Very Special Iron Hymen Dispatch from First Lady Mrs. George W. Bush:

TEN THINGS EVERY GIRL SHOULD KNOW ABOUT BOYS AND THEIR VILE PRIVATE PARTS:

A few samples:

1. Boy privates are often said to resemble hot dogs, although if you ask me, the ones I've seen always called to mind something like those cute little Austrian cocktail weenies they sell 8 to a can. But I think famed author Lynne Cheney described the male unmentionable best when she recalled recoiling at "an old Frankenstein's monster bratwurst that looked like it had rolled under the couch for a month and got covered in dust bunnies and would make you spit up if you even so much as halfheartedly nibbled the tip of it."



2. The stuff that comes out of boys every time they use you has as many calories as seven whole pints of Häagen-Dazs. That's why all the girls who do "it" always get so fat and ugly and have that ulcerated skin that screams to everyone in church, "I am an insatiable slut!"



3. While almost all American boys have human-looking privates, most foreign boys have privates like German Shepherds or half-open tubes of Max Factor lipstick.



4. Up until the moment in your wedding when he says "I do," a boy's privates sport a treacherous spine of jagged scales, which may or may not secrete acid and weapons-grade anthrax – for which, apparently, only Ann Coulter has developed the antibodies.

Here are some samples of the Take the "IRON HYMEN" Abstinence-Only Pledge

I, [My Name], hereby pledge:

1. To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina's freshness seal and make me totally unlovable.



2. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises.

Finally, a couple of testimonial samples:

Crystal F.: "I used to suffer terribly from dirty dreams about boys. Thankfully, now my Iron Hymen Libido-Be-Gone™ thong panties keep my dreams clean – and my yucky cooter bone-dry!"

Muffy P.: "OHMIGOD, like, Iron Hymen taught me to respect myself way too much to ever let some hairy creep hock man-lugies on my Godly cervix like it's some gross subway platform!"


Now girls don't forget, go find your full Purity Salvation at the The IRON HYMEN Youth Purity Center!

Oh Yeah? Book This, Sis!

I've seen this "Book Meme" deal going around for days. I never dreamed I'd get "tagged". Who would bother? A troublemaker, that's who! I'm honored. Or getting picked on. Picking only five books is next to fucking impossible, so in the spirit of "rules are made to be broken" I may step outside the lines a teensy bit. Here goes.

You are stuck inside “Fahrenheit 451.” Which book would you be?

If I'm gonna burn it, anything praising Bush or Republicans. Plenty to choose from.

If I'm gonna memorize it, Rudyard Kipling's Verse Inclusive Edition 1885-1918. Timeless and dated at the same time and just wonderful. Since I'll have it memorized, I won't have to take it to the desert island.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Too many to count. You would blush, so I'll leave Animal Farm out of this! The latest is Honor Harrington from the sci-fi series by David Weber.

What is the last book you bought?

The Threadbare Buzzard: A Marine Fighter Pilot in WWII by Thomas M. Tomlinson. Poignant and humorous account of one man's adventures, written in flowery, almost archaic, language. Good read.

What are you currently reading?

The Great Unraveling: Losing Our Way In The New Century by Paul Krugman. A collection of his op-eds from 2000-2003. He had these administration assholes nailed from the get-go. I read him in the NYTimes religiously.

Five books you would take to a deserted island:

Sometimes A Great Notion by Ken Kesey
The Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Nothing Like It In The World by Stephen E. Ambrose
The Bear And The Dragon by Tom Clancy

And the motorcycle book requested by Shakespeare's Sis:

Monkey Butt by Rick Sieman

I'm counting on The Critic to have a copy of Kon Tiki.

If I could sneak in a few more motorcycle books, they would be:

Whatever Happened To The British Motorcycle Industry? by Bert Hopwood
The Triumph Tiger Cub Bible by Mike Estall
Triumph Motorcycles In America by Lindsay Brooke and David Gaylin
Tales Of Triumph Motorcycles & The Meriden Factory by Hughie Hancox
Jupiter's Travels by Ted Simon
Soul On Bikes by Tobie Gene Levingston with Keith and Kent Zimmermann
Motorcycles and How To Manage Them by the editors of The Motor Cycle, an English weekly. A pocket-size book that I bought from Floyd Clymer in 1958 for a buck and a half and it wasn't new then. Indispensable book in those days for a kid just getting two-wheel fever. I still have it and refer to it as a guide to simpler times.

If you detect a slight motorcycle brand preference, you are very astute.

Well, that's it. Please don't get me started on authors!

Tom Joad and the Truth About California

4/14/1939: John Steinbeck's Grapes of Wrath is published.

One of the best books ever written about the exodus from the Dust Bowl and what went on once those folks got here. Steinbeck just about got banished from his hometown of Salinas after East Of Eden, and from California after Grapes Of Wrath and what are known as the California Novels. All is forgiven now tho'.

I'm not sure just when Woody Guthrie wrote this, but it's damn near as true today as it was then.

Do Re Mi

Lots of folks back East, they say, is leavin' home every day,
Beatin' the hot old dusty way to the California line.
'Cross the desert sands they roll, gettin' out of that old dust bowl,
They think they're goin' to a sugar bowl, but here's what they find
Now, the police at the port of entry say,
"You're number fourteen thousand for today."

Oh, if you ain't got the do re mi, folks, you ain't got the do re mi,
Why, you better go back to beautiful Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Georgia, Tennessee.
California is a garden of Eden, a paradise to live in or see;
But believe it or not, you won't find it so hot
If you ain't got the do re mi.

You want to buy you a home or a farm, that can't deal nobody harm,
Or take your vacation by the mountains or sea.
Don't swap your old cow for a car, you better stay right where you are,
Better take this little tip from me.
'Cause I look through the want ads every day
But the headlines on the papers always say:

If you ain't got the do re mi, boys, you ain't got the do re mi,
Why, you better go back to beautiful Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Georgia, Tennessee.
California is a garden of Eden, a paradise to live in or see;
But believe it or not, you won't find it so hot
If you ain't got the do re mi.

Words and Music by Woody Guthrie
© 1961 (renewed) by TRO-Ludlow Music, Inc.

California is a beautiful place outside of San Frandiego. The area around Salinas and Monterey is nice. Come see, then go back home and get some more money and come visit again.

DeLay and Marianas Sweatshops

I try, but it's hard to keep up with that scumbag DeLay. Here's one I hadn't heard about. From Joe Conason via Working For Change:

Still uglier than the Indian gaming affair -- and more directly implicating Mr. DeLay -- is the story of Mr. Abramoff's clientele in the northern Marianas Islands. The Pacific commonwealth serves as a haven for garment sweatshops that evade U.S. labor and immigration laws while legally labeling their products "Made in the U.S.A." Nearly every big name in the American rag trade has dealt with factories there.

Several years ago, the gross abuse of the laborers in the islands -- mostly young women imported from China and Thailand -- drew unwanted attention from the federal government. When Clinton administration officials proposed to crack down on the Marianas sweatshops and labor contractors, the commonwealth's ruling elite hired Mr. Abramoff to protect them. He sponsored dozens of luxury junkets to the islands for Republican politicians and commentators, spread around plenty of campaign money, and soon had Mr. DeLay pledging to defend the Marianas factories from modern labor standards.

The conditions endured by the women workers in the islands ought to have shocked any religious conscience. Swindled, starved and overworked, many of them were ultimately forced into prostitution -- and when they got pregnant, they were forced to endure abortions. Young women who arrived expecting to work in restaurants found themselves suddenly hustled into topless bars, where they were coerced into drinking and having sex with customers. And they often were deprived of the money paid by the johns.

Promoted by Mr. DeLay and Mr. Abramoff as a libertarian utopia, the islands were actually a sinkhole of indentured slavery and sex tourism. Enchanted by all the easy money and free vacations, however, those Washington worthies and their friends disregarded the suffering.

With sweatshops, whorehouses and casinos as the commercial underpinnings of their little empire, and with their thuggish approach to campaigns and debates, the DeLay crew seems reminiscent of the old Cosa Nostra. Yet such unsavory parallels don't disturb the right-wing establishment. Rallying behind Mr. DeLay are the Family Research Council, the Heritage Foundation, the Free Congress Foundation, the American Conservative Union and the rest of the "movement," with everyone fervently declaring, amid displays of piety and indignation, that his defense is their next great crusade.

My stock tip of the week is: invest in companies that make hangin'-grade rope. With any luck there'll be great demand soon.

Kos on C-Span

I watched a good interview last night. Brian Lamb, founder and chief cook and bottle-washer of C-Span, talked to Markos Moulitsas, founder and chief cook and bottle-washer of DailyKos.

Kos is an interesting dude. He's thirty-three years old, but looks about sixteen, the son of a Greek father and a Salvadoran mother who met while at college in Chicago. They moved to the U.S. from El Salvador after his family received death threats. He was a cannon-cocker in the Third Infantry Division, so he's got even more cred with me. He's smart as a whip. He lives in Berzerkeley, which kinda figures.

Go read his post on the interview. He said a lot of interesting things about blogging and has a link to the show. Don't miss it. Trust me.

It Will be Karl Rove Who Brings Down Tom DeLay, Not the Democrats.

DeLay is gonna walk a plank of his own party's making. It's not for being sleazy as you might think. It's for gettin' too big for his britches, as my uncle used to say to me just before he'd dope slap me. This is a good thing. From Buzzflash:

Considering the free ride Bush's lapses in honesty and executive branch corruption have been given by the mainstream media, you have to wonder why there's such a press pile-up on DeLay. It's fully justified, but why DeLay? I mean the Republican one-party government is crawling with errant snakes.

Well, we said it about the media frenzy surrounding Trent Lott's lauding of Strom Thurmond and we'll say it about Tom DeLay. It's not the Democrats that will bring down Tom DeLay; it's the Executive Branch and the White House that are leaking like a sieve. Karl Rove's fingerprints are all over this knife.

DeLay has forgotten the golden rule: George W. Bush comes before any Republican's personal agenda or power play.

DeLay has forgotten that he doesn't control the judiciary or the media; the White House does.

There's only room for one Godfather among the Busheviks; and Tom DeLay, not content to have the Congress as his concession and stay in the background, is stepping on Karl Rove's carefully crafted image of Bush.

Karl Rove is sharpening up his cutlery. Tom DeLay ought to be watching his Bushevik backside .

The former exterminator and present "Dioxin brain" has started to cast a shadow on the White House and draw undue attention to the real delusional goals of its inhabitants. His ego has gotten the better of him, and he's forgotten who is the Don of the mob.

Rove is just about ready to pour the cockroach killer all over Tom.

And the man who crawled out from under a rock of immorality can't even see it coming.

A rattler never does.

I disagree with that last line. Interesting thing about rattlesnakes: if you have to shoot one of 'em, you don't have to hit him. He'll see the bullet coming and strike at it. He'll catch it, too.

It'd be nice if they'd can his ass for his crimes and ethical shortcomings. That'd be like Genghis Khan throwing you out of the posse for excessive cruelty.

Looks like they're gonna do it cause he's a loudmouth asshole who's jeopardizing their culture of lies. Hey, I'll take it.

I wonder if Rove will make a hatband out of him?