Update: 11:45:
Well said. RUFNKM:
. . . In our view, Gonzales is not fit to be Attorney General. Anyone who claims 9/11 is an excuse for a nation to act barbaric has no business in law enforcement.
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Opposing Torture
Okay, so I finally signed the petition on behalf of the Brain. I'm a little slow.
Update: 11:45:
Well said. RUFNKM:
Update: 11:45:
Well said. RUFNKM:
Myths
Gillard debunks hackery.
What John Stossel does not tell you is that vouchers would not give kids access to a private education. When asked by the New York Observer, leading private schools like Collegiate, Dalton and Spence pretty much said no way in hell would they take voucher kids, meaning, no niggers from Harlem unless they fit in. The sad reality is vouchers are a racist fraud. They use poor blacks as the shield, but the ultimate goal is to funnel money to white segregationist academies in the South. They will be the largest beneficiaries of a voucher program as poor whites flee the public school system. While public schools are defunded, these legacies of Brown would have billions of state dollars to run their schools with little public accountability.
Parents might get a fraction of what they need, Catholic Schools would take that money, but if the kid couldn't deal, it's back to the underfunded public school.
But Stossel went to Camden not Savannah to make his point.
Oh yeah, Jesse Jackson didn't ask for tax money to send his kid to school. [my emphasis]
Friday, January 28, 2005
Incest
Well, not really, but it got your attention, didn't it? What I am doing is, as the Jews call it, kvelling (Translation: what a Jewish mother does when her son actually does become a doctor). Many of you know of the satirical bunch over at Billionaires for Bush. Well, the lady who does the radio spots, Miss Xena Phobe, is my cousin through marriage (Her husband is Mrs. F's cousin). She's good, and does voiceovers and audiobooks for a living. They're soliciting scripts over there, so if you have a rapier wit and a grasp of satire, give it a look-see. She took my little quip about the Gun Show Channel. I'll let you know if they use it.
Git this new Winchester repeatin' rahfle for only fahr-nanty-nan'. Git it today wit' Val-U-Pay, sev'nty two payments on yer credit card. And today only on the Gun Show Channel, no background check. By golly, y'all kin be Ted Bundy and we don't care, we'll even throw in fahve hunnert rounds of full metal jacketed, 150 grain, Manstoppers feh-ree if y'all order in the next ten minutes. Son, Ah don' care if you is in Meridian, Mississippi or Noo York, we'll ship this baby out to ya overnight and no extree charge.
Wal-Mart....Progressive?
The bible-thumpers are in for a surprise today as their favorite shopping mecca, Wal-Mart, has announced that it is expanding its employee ethics policy to include civil unions and domestic partnerships, gay or heterosexual, under its definition of "immediate family." No doubt, this is due to the influence of having SpongeBob Square Pants products on the shelves.
What's next, the Queer Eye guys promoting Wally World fashions and home decor?
What's next, the Queer Eye guys promoting Wally World fashions and home decor?
Good on 'em
Good Christians:
Note to Wingnuts. That's what Jesus would do, you idiots.
More from Tom at Corrente.
[. . .]
"Absolutely, the UCC [United Church of Christ] extends an unequivocal welcome to SpongeBob," the Rev. John H. Thomas, the UCC's general minister and president, said, only partly in jest. "Jesus didn't turn people away. Neither do we."
[. . .]
Note to Wingnuts. That's what Jesus would do, you idiots.
More from Tom at Corrente.
Revelations
More conservative Republican (are we better now, CAFKIA?) pundits on Goebbels' . . er, Rove's payroll. Details at Shakespeare's Sister.
It's Friday. Yay!! The reason I'm happy is that it's the last day I'll have to work at temperatures of 7 with a wind chill of -15 for a while. Sucks being a mechanic in the winter. It was easier when I was young.
It's Friday. Yay!! The reason I'm happy is that it's the last day I'll have to work at temperatures of 7 with a wind chill of -15 for a while. Sucks being a mechanic in the winter. It was easier when I was young.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Hope?
JERUSALEM (Reuters) - Israeli leader Ariel Sharon said on Thursday conditions were right for a "historic breakthrough" on Middle East peace after measures taken by new Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas to bring calm.
He said that if Palestinians worked to "fight terror," then Israel could move forward with a U.S.-backed peace "road map" meant to lead to a Palestinian state.
"I believe the conditions have been created to permit us and the Palestinians to reach an historic breakthrough, a breakthrough that will lead us to security and peace," Sharon told a business forum.
[. . .]
Now, I trust Sharon and his Likuds about as far as I trust Bush and the Neocons. About as far as I can piss into a force nine gale. So far he's managed to fuck the Palestinians, rightly or wrongly, on a regular basis. However I welcome any attempts to reach some sort of accommodation in the region. The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is one of the root causes of terrorism. With the grandaddy of the modern terrorist movement (Arafat) dead, and Abu Mazen seeming to keep the peace since the election, it actually allows one to hope that peace might actually be an option. Too bad Bill Clinton wasn't here to take advantage of the opportunity. Remember the Troubles in Northern Ireland? When was the last time you heard the acronym IRA referred to something other than an investment plan?
Teddy
Today:
And of course the Repubs had something to say about Kennedy's 'treasonous' talk.
Why is it that all the folks with some sense compare 'Bush's vision' in Iraq to Vietnam? I mean, if the shoe fits, right? I'm hoping and praying that the Iraqi people can pull off this election on Sunday, for their sakes and in spite of what Chimp-boy does. After three decades of Saddam and two years of Bush, they deserve a break.
We thought in those early days in Vietnam that we were winning. We thought the skill and courage of our troops was enough. We thought that victory on the battlefield would lead to victory in war, and peace and democracy for the people of Vietnam.
[. . .]
We cannot allow history to repeat itself in Iraq. We must learn from our mistakes in Vietnam and in Iraq. We must recognize what a large and growing number of Iraqis now believe the war in Iraq has become a war against the American occupation.
[. . .]
The elections in Iraq this weekend provide an opportunity for a fresh and honest approach. We need a new plan that sets fair and realistic goals for self-government in Iraq, and works with the Iraqi government on a specific timetable for the honorable homecoming of our forces.
[. . .]
And of course the Repubs had something to say about Kennedy's 'treasonous' talk.
Republican National Committee spokesman Brian Jones criticized Kennedy’s timing.
“Its remarkable that Sen. Kennedy would deliver such an overtly pessimistic message only days before the Iraqi election,” said Jones. “Kennedy’s partisan political attack stands in stark contrast to President Bush’s vision of spreading freedom around the world.”
[. . .]
Why is it that all the folks with some sense compare 'Bush's vision' in Iraq to Vietnam? I mean, if the shoe fits, right? I'm hoping and praying that the Iraqi people can pull off this election on Sunday, for their sakes and in spite of what Chimp-boy does. After three decades of Saddam and two years of Bush, they deserve a break.
Take a minute
Sixty years ago today, the camp at Auschwitz was liberated. BBC:
Take a minute and say a prayer for all who have, and will, die at the hands of tyrants. If you're in Europe, you owe it to yourself to take a tour of one of the camps. It was one of the most moving experiences of my life.
Update: 15:35:
Gord turned me on to this in comments.
[. . .]
At least 1.5 million children were murdered by the Nazi regime between the years 1933 and 1945. The vast majority were Jewish, but disabled children, Roma children and children in the occupied territories were also killed as a direct result of Nazi policies. The lives of hundreds of thousands of other children were also significantly affected.
Only an estimated 11 per cent of Jewish children alive in 1933 survived until 1945.
10,000 Jewish children came to Britain on Kindertransport - listen to and read some of their stories and find out how the Nazis treated children
Six million Jews were killed by the Nazis last century. It's estimated that 15 million people died in total. These included Slavs, Gypsies, homosexuals, disabled people, anyone of African descent, Christian pastors and Catholic priests, Jehovah's Witnesses and many more individuals who for one reason or another, were regarded as degenerates or considered racially inferior.
[. . .]
Take a minute and say a prayer for all who have, and will, die at the hands of tyrants. If you're in Europe, you owe it to yourself to take a tour of one of the camps. It was one of the most moving experiences of my life.
Update: 15:35:
Gord turned me on to this in comments.
Maggie On Babs
No, it's not a new mail-order-only video. Margaret Carlson writes about Senator Boxer in the LATimes:
Style? This is a fucking street fight, folks. Style be damned. Kickin', bitin', gougin', stompin'- those count. Win or die.
Ah, what do they know? Babs got me so hard a cat couldn't scratch it.
Good tactic: Shoot the messenger. If I was a boot-lickin' congressoid, Sen. Boxer's actions would shame me to the point my testicles might just pop back out. Good on ya, Babs, and thanks, Maggie, for pointing these things out.
You wouldn't know it from reading the newspapers, but Sen. Barbara Boxer served her country valiantly last week. In her grilling of Secretary of State-designate Condoleezza Rice, Boxer finally named the elephant in the hearing room, which is more than the war itself. It's the lies that got us there.
For her trouble, Boxer was blasted — even by those who agreed with her — not so much on substance but on style (my emphasis). Sen. Robert Byrd gets called "irascible." Why can't women get called irascible? It's so much nicer than the other words we get called.
Style? This is a fucking street fight, folks. Style be damned. Kickin', bitin', gougin', stompin'- those count. Win or die.
The Los Angeles Daily News accused Boxer of embarrassing herself with uncivil bombast. "The edge in her voice was jarring," wrote the San Francisco Chronicle. The Washington Post's Colbert King took on Boxer for "slurring Rice." In blog- land, Boxer was called, among other things, "old, burnt out, shrill and saggy looking."
Ah, what do they know? Babs got me so hard a cat couldn't scratch it.
Perhaps a more diplomatic interrogation could have saved herself some grief. But it's hard to find that pitch-perfect voice within the range of civility on these subjects. On Wednesday, the U.S. suffered its biggest one-day loss in Iraq. The war's body count is at 1,400. Insurgents vow a bloodbath on Sunday. In Washington, Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Rice sail on, and everybody's mad at Barbara Boxer.
Good tactic: Shoot the messenger. If I was a boot-lickin' congressoid, Sen. Boxer's actions would shame me to the point my testicles might just pop back out. Good on ya, Babs, and thanks, Maggie, for pointing these things out.
End-Timers & Neo-Cons
I'm getting some good stuff lately from conservatives that are nearly as pissed off at Bush as I am. I am glad to see this.
Dr. Paul Craig Roberts was Assistant Secretary of the Treasury for Economic Policy during 1981-82. He was also Associate Editor of the Wall Street Journal editorial page and Contributing Editor of National Review. He writes in ZNet:
Good article. I just hit a few high spots, so go read. What's scaring me these days is that I don't get quite as concerned as I used to when I find myself agreeing with a conservative viewpoint. That's how bad things are becoming. It'll be good to gang up against Bush and defeat him. Then we can go back to fighting amongst ourselves. This is crazy, but I look forward to it like I never have before.
Dr. Paul Craig Roberts was Assistant Secretary of the Treasury for Economic Policy during 1981-82. He was also Associate Editor of the Wall Street Journal editorial page and Contributing Editor of National Review. He writes in ZNet:
America has blundered into a needless and dangerous war, and fully half of the country's population is enthusiastic. Many Christians think that war in the Middle East signals "end times" and that they are about to be wafted up to heaven. Many patriots think that, finally, America is standing up for itself and demonstrating its righteous might. Conservatives are taking out their Vietnam frustrations on Iraqis. Karl Rove is wrapping Bush in the protective cloak of war leader. The military-industrial complex is drooling over the profits of war. And neoconservatives are laying the groundwork for Israeli territorial expansion.
In the ranks of the new conservatives, however, I see and experience much hate. It comes to me in violently worded, ignorant and irrational emails from self-professed conservatives who literally worship George Bush. Even Christians have fallen into idolatry. There appears to be a large number of Americans who are prepared to kill anyone for George Bush.
The Iraqi War is serving as a great catharsis for multiple conservative frustrations: job loss, drugs, crime, homosexuals, pornography, female promiscuity, abortion, restrictions on prayer in public places, Darwinism and attacks on religion. Liberals are the cause. Liberals are against America. Anyone against the war is against America and is a liberal. "You are with us or against us."
This is the mindset of delusion, and delusion permits no facts or analysis. Blind emotion rules. Americans are right and everyone else is wrong. End of the debate.
The conservative movement that I grew up in did not share the liberals' abiding faith in government. "Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely."
Today it is liberals, not conservatives, who endeavor to defend civil liberties from the state. Conservatives have been won around to the old liberal view that as long as government power is in their hands, there is no reason to fear it or to limit it. Thus, the Patriot Act, which permits government to suspend a person's civil liberty by calling him a terrorist with or without proof. Thus, preemptive war, which permits the President to invade other countries based on unverified assertions.
There is nothing conservative about these positions. To label them conservative is to make the same error as labeling the 1930s German Brownshirts conservative.
When the draft is reinstated, conservatives will loudly proclaim their pride that their sons, fathers, husbands and brothers are going to die for "our freedom." Not a single one of them will be able to explain why destroying Iraqi cities and occupying the ruins are necessary for "our freedom." But this inability will not lessen the enthusiasm for the project. To protect their delusions from "reality-based" critics, they will demand that the critics be arrested for treason and silenced. Many encouraged by talk radio already speak this way.
Because of the triumph of delusional "new conservatives" and the demise of the liberal media, this war is different from the Vietnam war. As more Americans are killed and maimed in the pointless carnage, more Americans have a powerful emotional stake that the war not be lost and not be in vain. Trapped in violence and unable to admit mistake, a reckless administration will escalate.
Good article. I just hit a few high spots, so go read. What's scaring me these days is that I don't get quite as concerned as I used to when I find myself agreeing with a conservative viewpoint. That's how bad things are becoming. It'll be good to gang up against Bush and defeat him. Then we can go back to fighting amongst ourselves. This is crazy, but I look forward to it like I never have before.
Democracy, Inc.
From the Corporate Crime Reporter:
I think Bush&Co. are very selective in their choice of things passed down from "Old Europe".
Robert Kennedy Jr. last week accused President George Bush of being “the most corrupt and immoral President that we have had in American history.”
Kennedy is touring the country promoting his new book, Crimes Against Nature: How George W. Bush and his Corporate Pals Are Plundering the Country and Hijacking Our Democracy (HarperCollins, 2004).
In the book, Kennedy implies that we live in a fascist country and that the Bush White House has learned key lessons from the Nazis.
“While communism is the control of business by government, fascism is the control of government by business,” he writes. “My American Heritage Dictionary defines fascism as ‘a system of government that exercises a dictatorship of the extreme right, typically through the merging of state and business leadership together with belligerent nationalism.’ Sound familiar?”
He quotes Hitler’s propaganda chief Herman Goerring: “It is always a simply a matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.”
Kennedy then adds: “The White House has clearly grasped the lesson.”
Kennedy also quotes Benito Mussolini’s insight that “fascism should more appropriately be called corporatism because it is the merger of state and corporate power.”
I think Bush&Co. are very selective in their choice of things passed down from "Old Europe".
I'd rather a BJ
In terms of presidential indiscretions anyway. Stolen from Travis:
Today in history
Was it really only seven years ago [audio clip]? Remember the good old days when a scandal was about a blowjob not torture policies and the obstruction of voting? Bring back cigars and thong underwear!
Soul, or the lack thereof
Wolcott:
Bush has no soul and looks at our troops as numbers in a ledger. He doesn't care how many die, how many American lives, and families, he destroys, let alone all of the innocent Iraqis killed in the last 2 years. At risk of sounding like a Jesuslander, Bush is the Devil's henchman.
[. . .]
When Bush did address the soldiers' deaths, he said that we "weep and mourn" when Americans die, but as he was saying it his hand was flatly smacking downwards for emphasis, as if he were pounding the table during the business meeting, refusing to pay a lot for a muffler. The steady beat of his hand was at odds with the sentiments he was expressing--he didn't look or sound the least bit mournful or sombre. And why should he? Death doesn't seem to be a bringdown for him. There isn't the slightest evidence that he experiences the anguish LBJ did as casualties mounted in Vietnam. His record as chief executioner in Texas is of a man for whom the death of another is an administrative detail, a power exercise. As Sister Helen Prejean wrote in The New York Review of Books:
[. . .]
Bush has no soul and looks at our troops as numbers in a ledger. He doesn't care how many die, how many American lives, and families, he destroys, let alone all of the innocent Iraqis killed in the last 2 years. At risk of sounding like a Jesuslander, Bush is the Devil's henchman.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Do the Math
CNN currently has a poll on their Web site asking "Would you be willing to sacrifice your life for a democracy in Iraq?" As of 1:45 p.m. PST, 91% of respondents said "no."
Which brings me to wonder, where are the Jesuslanders? They're a majority in this nation, right? So why aren't they answering that poll "Hell, yes, I'd do it because I voted for Bush. I want to press liberty and the 'Murican way on unwilling nations, even if I get my ass shot off." I'm sure that not everyone who voted in that CNN poll voted for Kerry last November.
I'll admit right now that I wouldn't sacrifice my life so Iraq can have democracy. I'm one of the 91%. But 52% of us, by voting for the Chimpster, said it was a good thing. So put your money where your vote is. Enlist.
Which brings me to wonder, where are the Jesuslanders? They're a majority in this nation, right? So why aren't they answering that poll "Hell, yes, I'd do it because I voted for Bush. I want to press liberty and the 'Murican way on unwilling nations, even if I get my ass shot off." I'm sure that not everyone who voted in that CNN poll voted for Kerry last November.
I'll admit right now that I wouldn't sacrifice my life so Iraq can have democracy. I'm one of the 91%. But 52% of us, by voting for the Chimpster, said it was a good thing. So put your money where your vote is. Enlist.
Revoked
One of Mrs. F's Limey friends sent this to her.
Subject: Letter from the British to the Americans
..... In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA for the SECOND time and thus the ability to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". To this I must add that the number of red squiggles in this word document was astronomical.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat'sUrine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk ofconfusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Subject: Letter from the British to the Americans
..... In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA for the SECOND time and thus the ability to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". To this I must add that the number of red squiggles in this word document was astronomical.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat'sUrine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk ofconfusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Turner on Gestaatsradio
From Broadcasting & Cable:
I've always kinda liked that loudmouth, except when he was sleeping with Hanoi Jane, but I've forgiven him for that.
If you are interested in Mr. Turner's thoughts on media and government in general, go Read "My Beef With The Media". He writes like he talks - at great length - so take a lunch.
Ted Turner called Fox a propaganda tool of the Bush administration and indirectly compared Fox News Channel's popularity to Adolf Hitler's popular election to run Germany before World War II.
While Fox may be the largest news network [and has overtaken Turner's CNN], it's not the best, Turner said. He followed up by pointing out that Adolph Hitler got the most votes when he was elected to run Germany prior to WWII. He said the network is the propaganda tool for the Bush Administration. "There's nothing wrong with that. It's certainly legal. But it does pose problems for our democracy. Particularly when the news is dumbed down," leaving voters without critical information on politics and world events and overloaded with fluff," he said.
I've always kinda liked that loudmouth, except when he was sleeping with Hanoi Jane, but I've forgiven him for that.
If you are interested in Mr. Turner's thoughts on media and government in general, go Read "My Beef With The Media". He writes like he talks - at great length - so take a lunch.
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