Sunday, March 29, 2009

Heidi Revisited, or How Fixer Can Get Us Out Of The Recession

First, go read HEIDI, A Modern rendition of the classic Tale.... to get a metaphorical view of how we got into this mess.

Heidi made me "work off" my tab. Heh ... - Fixer

Oh, the stunning visual! The muscular, well-oiled Hun thrusting his mighty ger (spear, lance, root of German, get it?) into the supple, zaftig young milkmaid in a joyous romp in the edelweiss high in the Alps, the thundering oompah-oompah of their sweaty, fleshy congress (this word may pop up again later), the yodelling reverberating off the canyon walls, etc., etc., you get the idea, and Bingo!, his debt is paid! At considerable expense to his manly juices, to be sure, but a matter of little import to a young warrior with a superbly functioning charging system if memory serves.

Just as an aside, me 'n Mrs. G used to play a game remarkably similar to the above which we called 'Heidi meets Attila' or 'the milkmaid and the Hun'. Sadly, we had to quit when we got to quarrelling over who got to wear which outfit. But I digress...

The solution came to me after I dreamt of the scenario previously described. Three times I had to dream it, and then I fell asleep, but it finally dawned on me: Fixer can fix the recession in the very same way!

Well, maybe not exactly the same way. More of a 'back door' approach. And skip the yodelling.

First, we have to convince him to take one for the team, actually to give a bunch of 'em, and realize that, as distasteful as it may first appear, that it's our only way out and he must do his duty. He's a sucker for that 'duty' shit.

Next, we drop him off at the southern end of the Beltway, suitably armed with various appliances, such as condoms (wouldn't want him gettin' sick. He's about to go in some horrible! places. A big rig load oughta do it fer starters), some playful toys (XXXXL strap-on, Jolly Green Giant model personal massage unit w/extra batteries, telephone poles w & w/o climbing spikes, bridge pilings, etc,), and since this is a BIG job, some chemical augmentation (see your e-mail).

Then tell him to head for home, one cause of the recession at a time (two, if we can find him a big enough double-ended strap-on or a Y-shaped bridge piling). Some names to start with would be Greenspan, Gramm, Leach, Bliley, Paulson, as many members of Congress (I knew I could finagle that in again!) as had a hand in it, and as many CEOs of corrupt financial institutions who haven't skipped the country as he can find.

I have purposely left Reagan and Dubya off this list, even though they were major players. Moldering geriatric necrophilia might be tremendously symbolic, but it's just wrong. Bush would enjoy it too much as he's not gettin' it reg'lar from Cheney any more.

I've also left off the people who were lent money that shouldn't have been. Whatever their intentions for good or evil or greed or desperation, they've already had the above treatment from the same people that Fixer will be giving it to. Once is cool, twice is queer.

Fixer arrives at home tired but happy and collapses on the couch. Job well done, old chap. The recession is almost over.

Fixer may also singlehandedly restore honor to the Medal Of Freedom that he will surely be awarded by President Obama for his selfless devotion to his country.

But wait, you say and rightly so, sure, yer dirty old man fantasy is remarkable, if disturbing, for a man your age, and it's been fun watchin' Fixer butt-slam his way from D.C. to Wall Street, satisfying to see those bastards get what's comin' to 'em, but how does this get folks to start spending and reduce the deficit and debt and get our country on the road to financial stability and renewed prosperity?

Why, worldwide DVD, iTunes, cable TV, and coffee-table book sales of his odyssey, of course!


Bill Clinton just called and said he had a hand in the whole deal mostly by omission and wanted to know why he had been left off the recipient list. I told him that I knew he would want his turn at bat, so to speak, and there are some things even an American hero must not be asked to do. He accepted the rejection gracefully, but did ask for a set of pictures.

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