Skimming the ocean of news effluvia, trying to make sense of the beauty and the pain, the sacred and the profane, whipsawing between the agony and the ecstasy like a bipolar ferret in God's own meth lab of love.
Trying to work out where the following stories fit in the Grand Continuum. Can you help?
SWF Seeks Love, Redemption, Jell-O Shots
In our perverse, celeb-crazed culture, there's really only one surefire way to redeem your reputation as a young, alcoholic, borderline insane, wannabe Jew/lesbian tabloid queen who trashed her once-promising film career in favor of hopping in and out of rehab until about 2017, at which point she will marry Stephen Baldwin and devote her life to a very creepy version of Jesus that you should never, ever pray to.
In related news, Pope Benedict XIV recently celebrated his 82nd birthday by releasing a new children's book. Contrary to rumors, "Gary, the Scary Gay Pagan Condom" will not be a pop-up book.
Search: Erotic Lesbian Fine Art Jesus Butt Photography
Morford's in Frisco. Oughta be easy...
On Obama:
Upshot: Total frothing extremist gibberish. Secession! Guns! Teabagging! Tears! Fascism! Limbaugh! The right-wing punditry frying itself to a panicky crisp like a giant KFC Family Bucket of frustration! Absolute genius, Mr. President.
In related news: porn, masturbation, iPods, beer, TV, CollegeHumor.com, US Weekly, comic books and general overall slacking report being "totally relieved" to be off the hook for a change. "Hell yeah, it's all Facebook's fault!" exclaimed Ohio State sophomore Dave "The Rave" Filbert's giant skull-shaped bong.
Much more. Enjoy.
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