Majority Of Newspapers Now Purchased By Kidnappers To Prove Date

From The World's Best News Source, after The Daily Show of course:

NEW YORK—According to a report published this week in American Journalism Review, 93 percent of all newspaper sales can now be attributed to kidnappers seeking to prove the day's date in filmed ransom demands.

"Although the vast majority of Americans now get their news from the Internet or television, a small but loyal criminal element still purchases newspapers at a steady rate," study author and Columbia journalism professor Linus Ridell said. "The sober authority of the printed word continues to hold value for those attempting to extort large sums of money from wealthy people who wish to see their loved ones alive again, and not chopped into pieces and left in steamer trunks on their doorsteps."

"These are sick, sick individuals," Ridell added. "God bless them for saving our industry."

"They're also great for wrapping up a severed ear and mailing it to the family when they don't come through with the cash fast enough," the source continued. "And I always enjoy reading For Better Or For Worse."

[...] While most Americans have cut back on specialty publications, kidnappers still find them useful for making cut-and-paste ransom letters and death threats.

Although newsstand sales remain steady, neither newspapers nor magazines have seen much growth in terms of subscriptions, as their last existing consumers are extremely reluctant to provide permanent addresses.

"In order to reflect the purchasing habits of our most loyal customers, we will work with our distributors to ensure that these people can get newspapers at all hours of the night in inconspicuous, security-camera-free venues," said billionaire media mogul Rupert Murdoch, who later offhandedly mentioned that his wife often takes late-evening walks all by herself. "As long as violent sociopaths continue to abduct those closest to affluent people for huge cash ransoms, the long and storied tradition of the American newspaper will be preserved."

And let's not forget that there's nothing better than newsprint for firing up the woodstove and lining the birdcage, not to mention the classic presentation of fish and chips.

Besides, where else can you find out which of your neighbors are being foreclosed on without the 'notice of trustees sales' in the classified ads?