5) Iranian revolution, trigger for. Right now, the last thing Iran's cretinous leaders want is another pro-democracy uprising from the educated classes. What better way for the U.S. to inspire a new round of violent unrest than by air-dropping hundreds of thousands of copies of "Going Rogue" all over the streets, each with a personal note saying, "With love, Ayatollah."
Iranian citizens will be so insulted by this obvious effort to keep them ignorant and oppressed, a new bout of aggressive resistance is bound to be unleashed, leading to inevitable government overthrow. Viva la revolucion!
6) Torture device. A no-brainer, really. Got a suspect in custody? A nasty Taliban leader hell-bent on undermining America's love of shopping malls and sparkling vampires and free streaming porn? No problem. Strap 'em down, gag 'em up, and watch their eyes widen in horror as you pull up a chair and begin reading. "Going Rogue." It's the new waterboarding!
7) Unruly child becalmer. (Similar to above, only family friendly). [...]
My favorite:
10) Apocalypse detector. It has been widely rumored that HarperCollins secretly embedded a tiny sensor in the cover of thousands of copies of "GR" to be sold in various welfare states and Glenn Beck's Elmo fetish dungeon. When the Rapture is nigh, the sensors will cause Sarah's breasts to glow bright red and start blinking furiously. Soon after, the book will begin smoking, and quickly burst into flame. Then Jesus will reappear, laugh hysterically, and with a friendly wink, whisk all fundamentalist Christians away to the great monster truck rally/moose hunting lodge in the sky. Then the real peace on Earth begins. Rejoice!
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