Perhaps we need a security czar. What about Dog the Bounty Hunter?
Don't get me wrong - I like ol' Dog. He's made a pretty good career out of going out with his extremely intimidatingly equipped and quite large family and a camera crew and rounding up bail skips, mostly dopers, who didn't show up for their court dates. Not exactly al Qaeda, but Buckley might have a good point: ya gotta find 'em before ya can cuff 'em an' stuff 'em. Dog's pretty good at that. Usually whoever co-signed for the bail and got left on the hook for the balance gives 'em right up.
If al Qaeda's mom put up her house for collateral and they left her in the lurch, Dog could could find their ass with one phone call to her. Heh.
I used to do that kind of work for a friend of mine who was a bail bondsman ("Dennis'll cut ya loose before they cook your goose!"). I just watched his ex-UDT six, not that he would have needed much help. Pretty ho-hum stuff compared to the TV version. Dennis handed me a snub nose .38 once before we confronted a skip in his own kitchen. I stuck it in my hip pocket and forgot about it while he talked the guy into showing up for his next court date. I remembered I had it when I sat back down in his car. Got paid, too. Yawn.
I used to work ticket security at concerts for the same guy. I have actually seen Deadheads avoid having to buy a ticket (they're famous for that) by floating down the Truckee River to listen to a band, get out of the water and walk back upstream and get back in and float down again all afternoon. I got $20, admission for Mrs. G, and a chicken dinner for both of us for this. Pretty laid back gigs. Had ta bust up a fight once in a while but that was about it.
I've also worked Mexican wedding receptions, and a lovely Quinceañera (if you get the chance, go see one of these! Beautiful.) as the Gringo With A Badge required for them to use the park, all by myself at an event with 200 people and as many bottles of Presidente and never had a problem. Here's how it usually went: if someone was causing a problem, usually just too much booze, the host would come get me and take me to the miscreant, whereupon I would tell him the host had asked him to leave. Invariably, the person would apologize for his behavior and leave as requested. Got fed good and paid good.
Contrast that with working a beer-fueled rodeo dance with a coupla hundred cowboys, ten absolutely unarmed security people in teams of two, with county sheriff's deputies present just in case, and we were busy all evening! That was mostly breakin' up fights. Here's how ya do it: two of us would just wade in between 'em, one goes left, the other goes right, and give each combatant a good shove on the chest. It surprises the shit out of 'em and separates 'em and that's usually the end of it, but ya gotta be ready in case it isn't. Knocked a guy right out of his shoes once. Heh.
I'll take the Mexicans any time.
Since I have successfully broken up fights between drunk cowboys and never got hurt, I too probably possess the requirements to be Chief of Homeland Security by Buckley's lights. No thanks.
I could go on and on, but I'll spare you.
It's Monday and I'm bored. Can ya tell?
Update:
Since we're talkin' Homeland Security today, I watched the first episode of Border Wars on NatGeoTV last night. It'll be on Mondays at 9. Pretty good show if you like that sort of thing.
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