Hey, gang, lookie here: It's the new battery-operated Dick Cheney action figure. He's thinner, quieter, and ten times more sinister. He's all ours, America. Plus, he's got an electric heart so he's part cyborg: he'll never die.
You'll love your new Dick Cheney action figure when he gets all cuddly telling us about his special new features: "What's happened over time is the technology's gotten better and better and we've gotten more and more experience with people living with this technology. So I'll have to make a decision at some point whether or not I want to go for a transplant." In other words, your Dick Cheney plays a game where he chooses which healthy young adult he wants killed in order for him to continue running. Maybe it'll be you. It's like winning the lottery, except with forced organ removal instead of millions of dollars as your prize.
Of course, your Dick Cheney action figure comes with de facto immunity from prosecution for the many crimes he committed and approved of during his time as Vice President, even though it's easier than ever to find a man who needs to change his batteries every twelve hours or so.
But as long as you do so, America, you will never, ever escape Dick Cheney, old and husky or older and gaunt. Gosh, this model is so much better than the one that drank oil and blew up poor countries. And, remember, every Dick Cheney action figure comes with skull-fucking night-time mode so that, while news people sleep, Cheney can stick his plastic penis into their ears and screw their brains so that they think he has anything meaningful to say beyond "Sorry I fucked it all up so badly," which, if he ever did, would immediately trigger the thermonuclear self-destruct mode embedded inside so he can continue to leave casualties behind.
This is in the wake of the news that The Dick may get a heart transplant. I don't really get the 'trans' part because that implies he had one to begin with but perhaps that's just an inadequacy in the language.
Read the 'comments'. Here's one:
Oh ain't this special! We can have a remake of "wizard of oz"! Cheney needs a heart, Bush needs a brain, and Boehner can be the cowardly lion. Lindsey Graham can star as Dorothy!
The visual of Miss Lindsey and that bunch frolicking up the yellow brick road is kinda heartwarming...
From the standpoint of scientific curiosity, I hope The Dick gets his heart. It may be the first time an organ will reject the body on the Constitutional grounds of "cruel and unusual punishment".
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