A controversial new bill is making its way through both houses of Congress that would require older men to view sonogram photos, grade school class pictures, and birthday video footage of women half their age with whom they wish to engage in sexual intercourse. The Family Values Law, as it's called, is supported by a variety of activist groups, but it is bitterly opposed by a coalition of state senators, church leaders, and corporate CEOs.
Political insiders speculate wildly on whether the bill will ever make it out of Congress. On one hand, many of the most powerful legislators in both the House and Senate will be directly affected. But the bill is gaining widespread grassroots support that makes it difficult to oppose. Religious figures -- many of whom are elderly men themselves -- are staging a massive write-in campaign against it, arguing that Scripture and church traditions don't prohibit an old man betraying his marriage vows and moving in with his massage therapist.
"This law would discriminate against people like us," says the pastor of a Norfolk-area megachurch who spoke on condition of anonymity, because of pending legal issues. "God wants everybody -- all straight, elderly, rich men -- to be happy. That message is throughout the Bible."
"He's right," admits Schell. "Then again, there's some really sick crap in that book."
Most wingnut christowhackos' Bibles fall open right at those passages as well.
Note: CLEARLY LABELLED SATIRE. I hope.