Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Crackpot Jackpot and Ghost Boner

A fun and not too off the mark look at Senator Ted "Tailgunner Joe's Ghost" Cruz at Political Garbage Chute. Shit, Cruz even looks like McCarthy.

5 Things Ted Cruz Wants To Accomplish In the Senate
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The Smarmy Index in Washington has hit an all time high, thanks to the arrival of the Junior Senator from Texas by way of Canada. (Honestly Canada! What did we do to deserve this son of a bitch?) Cruz makes every Tea Party Lady quiver in her nether regions. It’s as if someone created a mold for “Peevish, Accusatory, Inflamatory, Self-Righteous Prick Senators,” poured a glop of hair gel and good ol’ fashioned Texas Bullshit into it, squeezed the damnable thing together, and out popped Ted.
Yeah, Canada, we'll take poutine, Ice Road Truckers, BC bud, Sergeant Preston of the Yukon, Natalie MacMaster, and many other wonderful Canadian things with great pleasure, but, really, you should have kept this sonofabitch. Honest, Canada, we get it - you're laughin' yer frozen asses off, but still...

[...] But what else can this legislative lightweight hope to accomplish after having pissed off members of both parties in his Hill debut?

Maybe one of these things…
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Sen. Joe McCarthy just got a ghost boner while he works the phone bank in Hell.
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#4. Getting To The Bottom of [insert CRAZY RIGHT-WING CONSPIRACY THEORY HERE]
I don’t think Republicans in Congress are interested in anything unless it involves vaginae or a conspiracy. If you could somehow concoct a conspiracy around President Obama using the vaginae of all the women in the land to smuggle guns into Mexico so that they may one day ban both guns and female genitalia, you would hit the Republcian crackpot jackpot. It’s not shocking or surprising at all that the GOP loves their conspiracies – whether they be Fast & Furious or FEMA death camps — they’re the party of alternate reality as it is anyway. After all, it takes a certain conspiratorial dismissal of truth to not only believe in but proselytize trickle down economics.

#3. Outlaw Dancing In His Town
I know he’s Canadian. But Senator Cruz came to Congress by way of Texas. And it’s probably safe to say that approximately 82% of all towns in Texas qualify as being “Footloose-ian” in nature. That is to say that most small towns in Texas could easily play host to a Kevin Bacon and/or Kenny Wormwald figure to stroll into town and wreak havoc on the elders, inciting rock and roll dance marathons! And women wearing dungarees!
...

#1. Be A Complete and Total Dickhead
Oh wait. He’s already accomplished that. So maybe it should say “Continue Being a Complete and Total Dickhead” instead. Oh well. The point is that Senator Ted Cruz is a complete and total dickhead.
Word and Amen. Go see the rest.

11 comments:

montag said...

The sumbitch probably doesn't like hockey, donuts or beer either. That would explain why Canada threw him out.

Gordon said...

Good point.

David Aquarius said...

I hear Mexico is building a fence to keep him out.

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