Thursday, March 14, 2013

A Message To CPAC From Something Caught In The La Brea Tar Pits

I'm from L.A. and grew up only a coupla miles from the Tar Pits, the very definition of "primordial ooze", so this one tickled my funny bone. In toto from Goblinbooks which is clever and getting to be a regular stop.

Guys, please stop.

Quit struggling. Struggling only makes it worse. Believe me, I know. If one of your main speakers is Sarah Palin, it is time to just admit you've lost. She sort of defines what losing is, right? Losing, at its worst, is becoming a terrible caricature of everything that's wrong with your side. I mean, I chewed off my own paw in frustration, and even I have the presence of mind to know inviting her was a bad move.

God, this is just painful for the rest of us to watch. Right now I have a dire wolf who's trapped here with me, and he's howling and trying to eat my face. And that's still way, way better than being stuck in a hotel room next to Rick Perry.

Why would you do this to yourselves? I'm a dumb animal, and I have no clue what viscosity is. You, on the other hand, just lost a well-publicized election by alienating women and social moderates. And you respond by torpedoing gay rights groups and inviting Santorum to slather you with his crazy talk. Do you understand that you have absolutely no excuse?

It's like you wanted to get into this terrible fix. It's like the futility of fighting for an ignorant and out of date worldview is just too much for you anymore. You're trying to go extinct, aren't you? I get that. Of course, you're going to take the new guys down with you. People will see Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio here, and they'll remember how deeply out of touch their views really are. Tar pits are like that. Everyone gets stuck together. Everyone dies together. If the GOP had any sense they'd just lock the doors on you people, and let nature take it's course. But we all know the GOP's track record...

I almost feel sorry for you. I really do. And then I remember who you are, and that feeling kind of goes away.

Well, I'll tell Reagan you're coming. Bye.
The Natural History Museum of Los Angeles has a Dinosaur Hall (click on #1 if the page has moved on) chock full of complete prehistoric critters hauled out of the La Brea Tar Pits, their bones blackened from millions of years submerged in the tar. I get a thrill up my leg when I think of today's dinosaurs (Moosebreath, Good Hair, Frothy Mixture, et al) on display like that! Soon, I hope.

It wouldn't hurt me even a little bit to watch the whites of their eyeballs disappear into the muck either.

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