Wednesday, May 29, 2013

5 Reasons We’ll Miss Michele Bachmann

Quit laughing. This is serious shit. Heh.

The Political Garbage Chute

I’m not sure if I let out a “Yee-haw!” or a “Fuck yeah!” or a “Boo yah!” but this morning before I had fully woken up I let out a shout of joy the likes of which I rarely get a chance to, especially when covering politics. Literally the first words I read this morning put me in such a good mood that I think if all my extremities fell off right now, I’d still be gleeful.

Michele Bachmann is leaving the House of Representatives next year!

Bachmann is the Queen of Derp, the High Priestess of Stupidity, and the Czarina of Dumbassery. In her time in Congress her most notable achievements were staring into the wrong camera while delivering the Tea Party rebuttal to one of President Obama’s State of the Union speeches and an Islamaphobic crusade she went on that got her smacked down hard by Senator John McCain on the Senate floor. Oh, and she also voted a ton of times to repeal Obamacare…symbolically.

Sure, she’s the personification of all that we hate about Congressional Republicans, but won’t we miss Michele just a little bit? I think we will, and here are five reasons why.

#4. Marcus’ Wonderful Holiday Cookies

It’s a little-known fact that Marcus Bachmann, Michele’s beard totally heterosexual husband and companion who in no way is hiding his own sexuality so that Michele looked more electable to conservative voters makes amazing cookies. Every year around the holidays, he makes snicker doodles, oatmeal raisin, and sugar cookies with his phone number on them and he hands them out at all the YMCAs in and around D.C. With Michele gone after next year’s election, this will be the last year that Marcus’ “Come, Taste My Cookies” tour will come to town.

Apparently, one of the reasons she's leaving is that now that gay marriage is legal in Minnesota, she feels the need to protect the sanctity of her marriage by staying close to home to keep an eye on Marcus lest he run off with the pool boy. Heh.

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