Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Man Gets Gerrymandered In Half

The Anti-News

"I love serving the people of my district", lied Mr. Gasbag, as he washed back his dolphin steak with a gulp of Jack & Pepsi. Texas District # 5 (Chauncy Gasbag's) stretches for almost two thousand miles as it weaves its way across the state, capturing within its boundaries only the sleaziest of shitbirds, fanatics, bigots and assholes. Starting in Dallas (at Cleb's Shoot & Drink Firing Range) District #5 extends west into Fort Worth, encompassing three fundamentalist mega churches, a whites only country club, and a bullet factory. The district then splits into three 'tentacles', each about a mile wide. One extends west towards Lubbock, where it includes an endangered species hunting ranch, and a cluster of ethnically cleansed counties. The second tentacle reaches east about two hundred miles (avoiding all the black people) to a training compound for angry white militias. The third tentacle sprawls south, where it includes all of Waco and Texas A & M fraternity row.

"We need to include every nutbag in the state", said gerrymandering expert Stanley Noneck, "so we've had to draw some pretty careful boundaries." In fact, District #5 spider webs its way down through Austin (where it's only one inch wide) and then fans out towards Houston, cherry-picking for fringe dwelling kooks for another six hundred miles. It sidesteps the house of State Senator Wendy Davis, skirts around the residence of progressive Ryan Linehan, zigs up supermarket aisles, zags down alleys, and dives beneath a Planned Parenthood clinic, before resurfacing near Odessa, TX and splitting the Parker family home clean in half.

The district boundary divides the king-size bed of Thelma and Braxton Parker. [...]

Heh. You KNOW you want to read the rest!


Deirdra said...

Mmmm, I won't even begin to be as self-infatuated to hope you remember my first name - given your stunning (lol) IQ, that would obviously be totally unrealistic. Maybe the following will refresh your memory:

I'm the woman whose company you enjoyed so much, even if only very briefly so, following my telling all about cloud formations, such as Nimbus, Cumulus, Stratus, Cumulo-nimus, and, best of all, he "cloud-nine" of them all, the "cunnilingus".

Rings a bell?

Gee... I see from the feverish inundation of comments swamping your blog that you're in excellent position to compete for the "World Title of the Least Popular Blog Rag".

Congratulations for this unique achievement! Maybe a Nobel Prize is in the pipeline...

What else is new... lemme see... oh yes, my boy friend (i.e. your favorite contributor, i.e. "WhyNot") sends his most devoted outbursts of hyena-like hysterical giggles.

I knew you'd be thrilled to the point of urgently and desperately needing to butt slamming each others with a vengeance.

If that can be of any consolation and, who knows, perhaps even a cause for youze to perform furious reciprocal sodomy, we'd love you to post here a photo of your ecstatic nirvanic choice moments!

Cheerio! Love from Australia, France and Ireland.

PS: don't worry about deleting my comment: I've already cross-posted it to over 20 other blogs - thus helping you to make you truly worlwide famous stars of the blogosphere!

Ain't I good to ya???

Cokburger said...

What's with the Paddytroll? Is this an inside joke? This Dubliner does not take kindly to culchies insulting Gordo rt al.