Waterboarding Ashcroft

Think Progress

Last night, former Attorney General John Ashcroft delivered an address on national security at the University of Colorado. [...]

During the speech, Ashcroft caused an uproar when he declared Guantanamo Bay was a “good place” for detainees. In addition, he defended the torture tactic of waterboarding:

Ashcroft also responded to questions from the audience. The first question came from a woman who asked if Ashcroft would be willing to be subjected to waterboarding.

“The things that I can survive, if it were necessary to do them to me, I would do,” he said.

Ashcroft apparently believes that torture should be allowed as long as it doesn’t kill him.

OK then, as soon as he says that, handcuff and blindfold him. Strip him naked and put him in a too-large jumpsuit that someone else has worn for about a week, without any underwear. No shoes. March him onto a corporate-type jet (a simulator will do). Fly him around for about ten hours without letting him go to the bathroom, but feed him a nice greasy meal and all the water he can hold. March him out into some place that smells funny, maybe some guttural-sounding foreign language in the background, and directly into a dank concrete room with an agricultural stock tank as its only furniture. Take off the blindfold and introduce him to a coupla large, sweaty, hairy-chested, stubbly chinned bozos wearing some light bondage gear who then strap him to the board and elevate him, head down, over the watering trough. A little alcohol on their breaths wouldn't hurt, nor would visible foot-long gaggers of meth on a mirror and white circles around their nostrils and a little crazy in their eyes. When he says "but you're not going to kill me, right?", the answer should be "We'll try not to, but you get the same guarantee everybody else gets. We're getting better at it - haven't lost one all week."

By this time he will have soiled the GI jumpsuit with about everything he's got. Hey, a little dramatic effect can work wonders!

NOW ask him what he thinks of waterboarding. I guarantee you he will think differently about it already, and they haven't even done it yet. For a bonus, ask him what he thinks of 'rendition' as well.

Then go ahead and waterboard his ass just fer grins. The asshole deserves it for saying it's OK. Ten seconds oughta do it. Then march him into the next room where the Fourth Estate has gathered, with lotsa lights and cameras, for a press conference. The look on his face would be priceless, not to mention the flop sweat and, er, aroma. Film at 11.

Ah, to dream...

By the way, if that happened to me, all they would have to do is show me the waterboard setup and I'd tell 'em anything and everything I thought they would like to hear. And then some. They'd think they'd hit the Mother Lode of intel. Be more like the Mother Load. Might come up with a big stinky one of those for 'em too.