Wednesday, March 31, 2010

What Jesus reads when he's naked

Double Old No. 7 and bleach, please...

If it's Wednesday, it must be Morford selling his just-released book which I'll probably buy. And maybe even read.

Often do I hear the scintillating words, "Oh sweet Jesus Mark, that column you just wrote about neurotic fundamentalists/the Zen of Obama/divine kinkiness/Canada's vile oilsands/gay Vatican lust/the need for more awe in the workplace just made my day/blasted coffee through my nose/completely wrecked my fragile relationship with my angry, born-again sister in Florida, and for that I should probably thank you.

"Not only that (these fine voices often continue), but so orgasmic/overcooked was that piece of writing that I decided before I even made it past the headline/second paragraph/part where you mention genital tattoos/high-fructose corn syrup/dark matter that I would forward it on to a select group of like-minded Wiccans/inmates/Texas Board of Education members, just to make them smile/convince them to sleep with me/ensure they hunt me down like a Mormon lesbian in Salt Lake City. Just FYI."

I finally wrote a book.

I should tell you about the hate mail. For "The Daring Spectacle" also contains nearly 50 prime examples of the nastiest, most gut-wrenching hunks of spittle I've received over the years, much of it so vile and low it could never be printed in this very column due to editorial policies governing hate speech and the misspelling of "faggit" and "commy." It is something to behold.

These messages, almost exclusively from exasperated ultraconservatives, make for quite the spectacular sideshow of anger, sexual angst and atrocious grammar. They are unedited, raw and included nearly verbatim. You've never read anything like them. Trust me.

There are columns in the book that nearly got me fired, columns that were banned/spiked by the paper and hence have never been read before, columns that made my editors wince and pray we wouldn't get vicious letters from the Catholic church or the Scientologists or about two-thirds of Texas. Which we invariably did anyway.

I repeat: "The Daring Spectacle" is available for ordering right now. It will be available everywhere else very soon, including the Kindle, though you'll miss all the cool pictures and formatting.

Much more, as usual.

If I can't buy the book right out of the trunk of Morford's car like a bluegrass band's CD, I'll wait until I can get it from BuzzFlash, which won't take very long, I betcha. I buy from them whenever I can because I get most of my good leads for posts off of there and I feel guilty and they need the money. Also, BF let me win a contest and gave me prizes and the gal who gives me the great customer service is a hotter'n blazes good Librul babe.

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