Top Ten Ways That Jan Brewer Will Celebrate Cinco de Mayo*

*Cinco de Mayo: Sort of a Mexican St. Paddy's Day, except that while everybody's Irish on St. Paddy's Day, Anglos don't want to be Mexican on Cinco de Mayo. Another excuse to populate the roads with an excess of amateur drunk drivers.

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# 10) Ceremonially renaming Arizona "Aryan Zone" for May 5th.

# 9) Hispanics Only race across the Rio Colorado with the finish line in San Luis, Mexico.

# 8) Free passport and birth certificate inspections.

# 7) Signing an executive order renaming the holiday "The Fifth of May" for the ease of English-language residents.

# 6) Imploring Arizona residents to avoid Mexican restaurants so more Hispanics can take the day off.

Actually, that could be any restaurant.

# 5) Live law enforcement demonstrations of tasers and aluminum batons.

# 4) Will preside over a seminar teaching Latinos fun and creative ways to carry and display their passports and birth certificates.

# 3) Reminiscent of guessing the jelly beans in a jar, will hold a Cinco de Mayo-only lottery named, "How Many Mexicans Does it Take to Fill the Grand Canyon?"

Three more than it takes to fill a Ford Econoline?

# 2) Asking Arizona Diamondbacks principal owner Ken Kendrick to order players to wear home jerseys reading, "Nonracists."

# 1) Will introduce a bill in the Arizona legislature giving the Pilgrims of the Mayflower retroactive American citizenship when they invaded native American land to co-opt its resources.