21 festive uses for pepper spray

If it's Wednesday, it must be Morford with some creative uses for pepper spray. Most of the usual suspects and some that will you surprise you. Well, maybe. You're a jaded lot.

Behold, salvation... in a can! This year, why not enjoy the one product already proven to fix everything, stop unruly complaining and change perspectives in an instant? That's right: Pepper spray. Defense Technology 56895 MK-9, to be exact. The perfect stocking stuffer! [...] Excellent for use on:
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3) Greece. I have no idea what's going on there, either. Something to do with excessive lending, an atrocious tax system, and overly salty souvlaki. Like Italy, Greece's recent, world-destabilizing woes make it seem like a global economy, a secret one-world currency, and the imminent total enslavement of the entire human race by our lizard overlords from the 5th dimension are bad ideas. WTF?
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5) The gays. Right? Obviously? The cause of everything that's wrong with everything everywhere? Duh.
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7) The GOP. Imagine the smiles on your kids' faces this Christmas morn when you show them a YouTube video of a screaming, crying, face-clawing Newt, Cain, Mitt, and all those who think the 99 percent are a bunch of loser hippies who need a haircut and a job -- a job they can't actually get because the one percent are heartless cretins with no sense of perspective. (Similar to spraying all of Congress, but with lots more whining about how it's all the gays' fault).

I like that one! Dear Santa...

20) Yourself. What, you think you're so special? You think you're exempt? Have you seen yourself lately? You, who's reading this column right now, you who's obviously what's wrong with this country?

Clearly, you are some sort of pervert. Miscreant. After all, you actually read. Engage. Learn things. Like sex. Likely sympathize with OWS, pets, toddlers, Hondas. You might even be gay. OMG! Sit yourself down right now on the steps of City Hall and blast yourself with some Defense Technology 56895 MK-9 before you hurt somebody. There now. America is safe again.

21) Oh dear, out of room. So many other possibilities. Kim Kardashian! Pharmaceutical companies! Reality TV! Nickelback! Zucchini! The Catholic Church! Menopause! Food trucks! Steve Jobs dying! Anyone remotely connected to "The Human Centipede" movies! Kansas! This annoying pain in my shoulder! I pepper spray you all. Join me, won't you? I'm quite sure it's what Jesus would have wanted

It might actually work on the pain in his shoulder since capsaicin is a main ingredient in topical arthritis creme. Ask an old person...