Monday, November 28, 2011

In Positive Economic Sign, Walmart Customers Killing Each Other to Buy Shit


“We have been looking for evidence that the economy is on the mend,” said Davis Logsdon, chairman of the economics department at the University of Minnesota. “When people resort to homicide to buy a Blu-ray player, that is very, very good news indeed.”

Mr. Logsdon said he was “impressed” by the lengths to which some Walmart customers were going to grab coveted sale items: “They’re using tactics we usually associate with the UC-Davis police.”

“If you want to get your hands on a doorbuster, you’d better have a firearm,” he said. “Fortunately, Walmart is offering several great doorbusters on firearms.”

Walmart and other retailers’ decision to commence their Black Friday sales a day early carries with it an added benefit for consumers, he noted: “Now, Americans will be able to declare bankruptcy one day earlier.”

“Egyptians risk their lives for new government,” he said. “Americans bravely do the same for new flat screens.”

There is nothing I can add to that except this fuckin' nation has gone crazy. Blame it on the Repugs.


BadTux said...

Sometimes Borowitz is just a twit too in love with his own wit to notice that he's just stroking his rod. Sometimes however he hits the nail square on the head. This is the latter -- Jon Stewart worthy snark. Cudos!

- Badtux the Snark-appreciatin' Penguin

Fixer said...

I want me the Xbox!!!1 Outta my way or I'll taze ya!