Blow the nice officer a kiss...

The Rude Pundit on the latest SCOTUS intrusion into our lives:

You know what? It doesn't matter what the case was about. Here's the outcome of Florence v. Board of Chosen Freeholders (in New Jersey's Essex County): if you are stopped by police and you have a few too many parking tickets, even if it's a mistake, you can be arrested and, if going to be placed in the jail, strip-searched by the police. Don't worry, though, the Supreme Court says, because the cops can't touch you, but they may ask you to lift your nutsack so they can see if you have drugs under there.

Playing the fucking fool, Justice Anthony "Swings Both Ways, But Hangs to the Right" Kennedy says that the lawyers of the plaintiff, a poor bastard who got chewed up by our incarceration nation mentality, didn't even really define "strip search," despite there being, you know, a definition offered in police manuals.

That last part wasn't really germane but I just had to get "Swings Both Ways, But Hangs to the Right" in there. Heh.

Mr. Florence got the shaft on this deal and spent six days in two different county jails because of a clerical fuckup over a traffic fine he paid that didn't show up as paid and there was a warrant out on him. He had proof he'd paid it but the cops didn't give a shit. Every time he changed police and correctional officer hands, he got strip searched. Did I mention he's Afro-American? White cops just know every black man they stop has a machine gun up his ass. Or they just want to humiliate him because they can.

Cops probably won't strip search you by the side of the road, or even usually when you get to jail. If you're white.

I've been strip searched. I've been in jail a coupla times, and the rules permitted me to be a trusty and thus eligible for working parties out in the community. If you have to be in jail, that's what makes it bearable. The civilians you work for treat you very well with food and smokes. They appreciate your help.

You change clothes from the skin out when you return to jail after the work day. Our county jail is in a small town and the inmates know people and there's a slight chance that the youngbloods will score a little dope and try to bring it in but I don't think it happens very often. Most guys aren't that stupid and don't want to get busted back to the regular lockup. Usually if dope appears they snort or smoke it on the spot. The C.O.s check yer junk but they don't give you a blood or urine test.

I decided to have fun with the strip search. Believe you me, fun is hard to come by in the hoosegow and stuff that wouldn't be fun anywhere else is uproarious!

Let's say there's six guys on the work party. They line you up and go down the line like a short-arm inspection (without the "milk 'er down" feature) in the Corps. Apparently a lotta dope (weapons?) gets smuggled in under foreskins because you peel that back for 'em. They tell you to lift up yer nutsack - in my case, "just past yer knees is fine, gramps" - and then you turn around, bend over, and spread yer cheeks. Yeah, like this old man scored a pound of crank and keestered it into jail fer chrissakes. (I do know a fellow who could keester a claw hammer, but that's another story). I think the cops find more cell phones these days than dope. The jail pay phone is damn expensive.

But I digress. Point is, I tried to have fun with it. I looked back at the cop and grinned and grabbed both cheeks and yanked them apart. I did my best to flex my asshole and make it wink. Shit, if I coulda got it to whistle "Dixie" I would have. It made the cop laugh which is always good. One caution: shooting sparks at the officer is probably not a good idea. Heh.

That cop was there every day. I don't envy him having to do that, but reason prevailed. I guess he decided that either I wasn't a danger and wouldn't try to smuggle in the explosives and/or anthrax I'd scored whilst trimming the hedges at the Elks Club, or else looking up my butt was just too horrible to contemplate, because he never asked me to do that again. I like to think it was the latter option.

Jail is a unique situation. I would never do that at Walmart although I've been tempted to...