More importantly, winter brings out the timorous clans of global warming deniers, all those scrappy literalists who don’t understand the concept of extreme weather, and instead take the words “global warming” to mean that if the entire country isn’t soon in a permanent state of sweaty, Florida-like misery, then science is bogus, God is awesome and it’s time to buy a new gun before Obama takes away all the bullets.
Are they not cute? They’re just not very bright, are they? It’s OK. They’re voting for Mitt Romney.
Translation: We may never get to know if America votes Mitt into the dustbin of history because he’s an insufferable empty suit who doesn’t give a damn about anything you care about, or because he believes in that cutesy pseudo-religion with the shiny golden plates, the polygamy and the disturbing arranged marriages to not very bright celebrity starlets. Or am I thinking of someone else?
(4) Right! Tom Cruise. Thanks must be offered to Vanity Fair for further clarifying, once again and without any lingering doubt, just how insane, how creepy is the cult of Scientology, and Tom Cruise, and its tiny ferret of a leader David Miscavige, a strange little guy you never hear about until he’s featured in a cringing article like this, and you shudder a little in gratitude that you will never have to be in the same room as either of them.
You’d think it would be a tenet, one of the requirements for big-league membership: If your god can’t take a joke, if your faith/cult/deity is too weak, too litigious, too violently reactive that you must kill, or sue, or revolt every time someone says something negative or an idiot in another continent criticizes you in any way, it might be time to overhaul the organization. Or your god. Or your bitter and oppressive patriarchy.
(10) Meanwhile! Jesus was married. Like you didn’t already know.
I knew, thank you late nite TV. To Mary Magdalene. The patriarchy that put that old book together sort of conveniently left her gospel out. They're the same ones who called her a whore that has pretty much stuck ever since. Nasty bunch. Jesus'll get 'em for that.