Monday, February 18, 2013

"Happy Presidents' Day, Which I Totally Invented" By Richard Nixon


Hi there. I am speaking to you from the ninth level of the Kingdom of Shadows, where I am encased up to my buttocks in a lake of ice. And I wanted to wish all of you a very happy Presidents' Day, even though I completely made it up, and it's not real.

You're having that M. Night Shyamalan moment, aren't you? The whole world flipped inside out, and now you feel queasy and powerless. Plus I just reminded you of M. Night Shyamalan, so it hurts even more. This is what I do. And it's why this day is my real legacy. I have left an imprint on your conceptual world, and it allows me to screw with you from beyond the grave. So have we all.

Every one of us, every thug, liar, and scoundrel who managed to shimmy up that greasy pole changed how we govern the country in big and small ways... some of them quite unnoticeable. People want to honor the brave and the smart and the honest. But isn't so much of our history about guys like me?

Tricking you into observing a fake holiday is a perfect monument to what we do. And the way you, the American people, celebrate it is also fitting: You don't care. You just want to max out that credit card for some crap you don't need.

From the depths of hell, I salute you my subjects and citizens. We need each other, don't we? We're all in this together in the dark.

Tell Liddy I'll come for him soon. Bye.
Enjoy your holiday anyway. To us retired folks, and many lower wage employees, it's just a day with no mail.

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