Thursday, March 7, 2013

2d Amendment spiralling ad absurdum


I want a AH-64 Apache attack helicopter. I am assured that it is the best attack helicopter in the world and if it's not, it's close enough. It can fly 184 miles per hour. It can go 323 miles on a tank of gas. It has a 30mm automatic cannon that can fire 1200 rounds, and it can carry 16 antitank Hellfire missiles. It can also carry 76 unguided 2.75 inch rockets. With this helicopter, I could theoretically destroy 80% of a standard Russian tank battalion in a single sortie. I am firmly convinced that possession of this helicopter will prevent me from ever having to worry about a situation where law and order breaks down because the police can’t travel, there’s no communication. And there are armed gangs roaming around neighborhoods. In fact, the mere possibility of such a breakdown in civilization means that I have an inalterable and inalienable right to this helicopter, because there is nothing so poorly regulated as an armed gang.

At first, I thought that a semiautomatic AR-15 rifle or a double-barrel shotgun would be sufficient, especially if equipped with the correct accouterments. But the more I dwell on Lindsey Graham's dystopian talking points, the more I feel compelled to be on the safe side.

I'm going with the AH-64 Apache attack helicopter. Just try and stop me.
And if you can operate the thing with an Xbox controller, you won't even have to get off the couch! Neither will the 2d Lieutenant at Nellis who takes your $18 million ($9M (?) second-hand) Apache out with a cheaper-than-dirt (relatively speaking) AMRAAM which he launched from a latest-gen Predator drone, suitably upgraded for just such upstarts as you, using his Xbox controller without getting up off his couch.

Your money will sprinkle to earth but at least you won't be part of the debris. And the butterbar at Nellis will probably get a medal. Heh.


Anonymous said...

I've written this story in my head many times as I listened to gun strokers carry on about defending themselves from the government. How many neighborhoods have to ban together to buy a fighter jet or stealth bomber? This "principle" could get expensive!!!

:) Jay in N.C.

Gordon said...

And it won't help. One definition of government is the one who has the monopoly on violence, and ours does.


Anonymous said...

Ah, you're no fun. I like to hear people explain how they and their GUNS can and will take on the government. I like making up reasons that they don't know about the American Civil War, WW II, British Colonial wars, etc. I like making up reasons why they all think they are strategists extraordinaire as well as Rambo brave.

CAFKIA said...

He's gonna need FFL since that cannon is fully automatic.