Friday, November 9, 2007

Robertson ♥ Giuliani

The Rude One. I love that guy! But wait, I'm not,,,

Let's say, and why not, that you're a Rudy Giuliani supporter. There are certain delusions you have to subscribe to. You have to behave as if you are a hardcore PCP addict, snortin' and shootin' up that dust like it's camel piss and you're dyin' in the desert. Because you're so constantly fucked up, for you time stopped on September 11, 2001, and all around you are phantoms with beards and guns, evil dictators fellating nuke missiles that are Allah's strap-ons, and voices, oh, those fuckin' voices, in your head, saying, "Wreck shit, wreck it all." So, yeah, sure, you support Giuliani, who shares your hallucinations, who speaks in the same language, the demi-coherent grunts of the bloodthirsty addict, ready to lash out and take out everything to keep the phantoms distant, to keep the voices sated. And Israel, of course, making sure that Israel is safe because...well, you forgot why a long time ago - such is the fate of the heavy user - but you're sure someone you trust told you it was worth starting a regional, if not global, conflagration over.

Now let's say you are a Pat Robertson-supporting evangelical. You've lived your life according to what some rich guy on TV and in your local pulpit has told you the Bible means. You've repressed a good four-fifths of your sexual desires because you wanna make sure the correct orifices are in use. You've been told, at various times, that the greatest threats to America and you and your family are homosexuals, abortion providers, divorce, feminists, and more. And, even though it's made you completely nutzoid to agree to hate so much while Robertson smiles and tells you how God loves us all, you nod your head when Robertson says shit like, "Many of those people involved with Adolph Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals--the two things seem to go together" and "From a biblical standpoint, the rise of homosexuality is a sign that a society is in the last stages of decay." Hell, you've even given Robertson money from one of your two jobs to make sure that gays don't marry because you don't want a pissed-off Jesus asking you what the fuck you did to make sure the homos stayed single and closeted. Nobody wants that.

And, sure, fine, you agree with Robertson that Israel is important because of the rapture. And, sure, Islamofascists or whatever are a threat, but that's new. It's not in your DNA yet. No, all this time, you were a culture warrior, man, and you're all geared up and ready for a battle in '08 against that harridan Hillary.

It's time to precipitate an existential crisis among both groups. For, truly, by letting himself get teabagged by Robertson's saggy sack, Giuliani may secure the nomination, but he's lost the general election. Christ, back on February 28, 2000, on Larry King Live, Giuliani called Robertson one of the "extremists of the right."

And Robertson's support can be pushed away. Make both groups float, lost in the purgatory of political reality, forced to decide what's more important, their souls or the power. Sweet temptations. One might need to, oh, hell, pray to resolve this one.

Why the fuck not. It's the kind of savage self-compromise Democratic supporters have had to make for years.

Damn, he's good!


Andy Borowitz

Rev. Robertson said that he was “confident” that within weeks of his inauguration, Mr. Giuliani would usher in the “end days” that are a staple of Bible prophecy.

In praising Mr. Giuliani, Mr. Robertson had critical words for the current resident of the White House, President George W. Bush: “President Bush got us on the road to Armageddon, but it’s taking too darn long -- Rudy Giuliani will put us in the express lane.”

While the Giuliani camp initially welcomed the endorsement of the influential evangelist, the former New York mayor seemed less enthusiastic today about being identified as one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

When asked by a reporter in Iowa about Mr. Robertson’s comments today, Mr. Giuliani replied, “9/11.”

Looks like JulieAnnie's skipping the noun and the verb and cuttin' to the chase. The soul of brevity.

No comments: