Monday, December 3, 2007

Sex in the Bible

Wow! If I'da known about this shit, I coulda saved a lotta money! I think I got a Bible around here someplace...

The Skeptic's Annotated Bible

It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies. -- Mark Twain, Letters From the Earth

1. "And Adam knew his wife; and she conceived." This is the first sexual intercourse mentioned in the Bible. 4:1

OK, it starts out a little slow. Read on. We're gettin' to some serious porn and real Repug moral values pretty soon.

14. Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story. 19:30-38

I think that biblical passage must be a particular favorite in the South...

19. Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her [Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was going in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too. 29:21-30

20. Jacob goes in unto Leah by mistake. 29:23, 25

21. Jacob finally gets to "go in unto" Rachel. He loved Rachel more than Leah. 29:30

32. Joseph swears by putting his hand under Jacob's thigh -- a euphemism for holding his testicles in his hand. 47:29

And that was just in Genesis!

Well, so far there's been a lot of homosexuality, incest, rape, homosexual incestuous rape, God-sex with old women (Whee! It's a miracle!), daisy chains and swinging, and not a whole lot of marital straight sex. Now I think I understand the Christian Right a little better. No wonder they think the Bible is literally true - that's their real life! AKA "The Truth That Dare Not Be Spoken". That "not speaking the truth" shit carries over into every facet of their oh-ever-so-much-more-moral-than-thou phony christian lives as well. Like Twain said, "Upward of a thousand lies".

And all of it Direct From God. Chumps.

I'm too tired to read any further just now...

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