Every bit as depraved, deranged and demented as he looks, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff has enlisted firefighters and emergency responders as his eyes and ears in the fight against discontent in America. Not satisfied with demanding warning labels for satire, the Screaming Skull vowed to stamp out not only discontent, but metaphor, double entendre, innuendo, facetiousness, puns, sarcasm and anything smacking of witty repartee.
Man, this is getting personal! If there's anything we 'smack of' around here, it's discontent, metaphor, double entendre, innuendo, facetiousness, puns, sarcasm and witty repartee. It's on, motherfuckers.
Firefighters and emergency personnel are being grilled in the investigative arts of detecting subtle signs of subversive activity such as the possession of worthwhile books, posters proposing world peace, suspiciously intellectual phrenology and telltale signs of terrorist sympathies inferred from micro facial expressions. Don't let a careless impulse to laugh betray your evil seditious secrets.
That dust covered Cat Stevens album in the attic? You can count on just something like that to net a lengthy stay in Guantanamo or an overnight rendition to Syria. So, hop around like hell, today, scrubbing your environs of anything that could be deemed as seeding dissent by postal workers, librarians, delivery drivers, neighbors, friends or family (including, I shudder to say, in-laws). Thought you'd enjoy a morning cup o' joe while perusing the Buzzflash headlines? Huh. Just remember, if there's a fire, you're fucked.
Unlike Chertoff I'm concerned about not disrupting vital services or I'd suggest a date and time for those millions of us yearning for a functional society to turn ourselves in.
Now there's an idea! If we could get all the illegal Meskins to turn themselves in at the same time, we could bring this country to a screechin' halt! Lawns would run wild, kids' diapers would be full, rational thought would disappear, and those left on the outside would have to retreat, drooling and whining (which they do anyway), to deep dark caves. Or the recesses of their alleged minds which is about the same.
Firefighters should fight fires and aid those with emergencies, which is what they signed on to do and do supremely well.
Just as an aside, my little town relied on volunteer firefighters for many years. Their motto was "We haven't lost a foundation yet!"
I call on firefighters everywhere to tell Chertoff to go fuck himself.
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