Widespread reports of comics leaping from windows on Election Night have received little attention in the press. Some historians liken the turn of events to the stock market crash of 1929. But Freddy Roman, Dean of the legendary New York Friar's Club, called it "worse, much worse, mayo on corn beef bad."
Huh? I like mayo on corned beef. Come to think of it, I like mayo on corn flakes. I must be even whiter than I thought...
The Daily Show host Jon Stewart put a good face on it during Comedy Central's election night coverage. Yet sources at the show say Stewart retreated to his office afterward and "went, like, totally ballistic."
"We had Grandpa Cranky McCrazyPants and Sarah f**king Palin! Now we're stuck with Obama! There's nothing funny about him! It's like cracking jokes about Lincoln following his Gettysburg Address! F**k me twice with a motherf**king hope stick, people!" Stewart cried amid the sound of breaking glass, a shrieking cat and overturned furniture. "And Michelle?! She's the most likable First Lady since Eleanor Roosevelt! We had Cindy McCain, Cruella De Vil incarnate, but nooooo! Goddamn America's good fortune!"
"I knew I'd miss Bush, but I thought I could rely on McCain-Palin and the millions of bile-filled, pitch-fork-waving, infuriatingly ignorant and virulently racist bat-shit crazy Americans to maintain comedic stability in the White House." Colbert removed his glasses and wiped fresh tears from his eyes, then added, "I was wrong. I never realized how much hope, goodwill and reality-based thinking can damage comedy." Steeling himself for the dark days ahead, Colbert said, "We grieve today for Mr. Obama's historic victory, for the tremendous barriers he's broken, and we pray he is much more of a f**k-up than the steady-handed statesman he appears to be. I mean, really, we'll take anything -- like he irons his jeans or doesn't floss nightly. Anything. It's our only hope."
Even Chris Rock, an iconic and wildly successful African-American comedian, felt conflicted over Obama's victory.
"Two hundred and thirty-two years to get a black man in the White House, and the one they choose disenfranchises an entire nation of comedians! Can't a brother catch a break?!"
Suck it, bitchez. Comedy about Bush was OK but there really wasn't - isn't - anything funny about the things he's done. I'm perfectly willing to see a few of you out of work to get rid of his whackjob ass. You'll crack 'em up in the soup line.
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