NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) July 11, 2012 – Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney today released this letter to the American people:
Dear American Person:
Let's say you met the love of your life, and you wrote her a series of passionate love letters. In these letters, you told her how you intended to protect her, cherish her, and always keep her safe. And then let's say somebody went and told you that you had to make those love letters available for the world to see. If you're even half the man I am, you'd say, "Heck no."
Well, in my case, the love of my life is my money. (If you don't believe me, ask Ann.) And my tax returns are like my love letters to my money, detailing the lengths to which I'll go to keep my precious money from being taken away from me. If you think I should make those love letters public, then I'm sorry, my friend, but you don't believe in love.
In conclusion: if refusing to release my tax returns and having foreign bank accounts is wrong, I don't want to be right. I did it all for love. And as your President, I promise I will never, ever come between you and the thing you love. Unless you're gay. (Laughing Out Loud.)
Don't worry, Willard, you're not in any danger of being right about anything. Glad to see you're doing all the lying and pandering out of the love of money. It's positively Biblical.