Maybe if ya tell 'em you're Canadian...

The reverberations of Bush's foreign policy are getting more disastrous with each passing day as described in The Onion.

American students traveling abroad confirm the findings of a study indicating that Washington's unilateral approach to foreign policy has seriously undermined Americans' chances of getting laid.

"Unpopular military actions and dismissal of international organizations have galvanized world hostility toward the U.S.," Hapbrook said. "Instead of being inundated with questions about Hollywood and requests to help hot young foreigners practice their English, Americans are being openly scorned in European pubs and cafes. Data taken from a poll of students in December 2004 showed that only a dismal 11 percent had achieved sexual congress with a non-American."

"I'm in Amsterdam—Amsterdam, for Christ's sake—and I'm in the middle of the longest dry spell I can remember," Higgs said. "Last week, I was making out with this Italian girl at a concert. It was all going great until the music ended and she heard my American accent. I swear to God, I went from the cusp of a hand job to, 'Why won't your country sign the Kyoto Treaty?'"

Acknowledging that a large-scale change in American foreign policy is unlikely to occur before the end of the current semester, Hapbrook recommended three tactics for American students frustrated in their attempts to bed foreigners.

"First, pretend you're Canadian whenever you can," Hapbrook said. "But make sure you're not around actual Canadians, because they'll know you're lying and cock-block you. Second, if there are any anti-American protests going on, take care to avoid women carrying signs. Third, focus your itinerary on countries like Ireland and Japan that are still relatively friendly to Americans."

"You may want to write off France altogether," Hapbrook added.

"This affects all of us," Higgs said. "The government has to acknowledge the needs of young Americans. Too many U.S. citizens in foreign lands are spending sleepless, lonely nights jerking off in increasingly filthy sleeping bags. It sucks."

No shit. Why even go to Europe if not for the notoriously uninhibited young women? Museums? History? Different cultures and people? Fabulous scenery? Adventure? Sheep?

Bush may have gone too far this time!