Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Tin Ear Man Gets Tapped

Ol' Yelladog got me too. He saved me from volunteering.

First, let me tell you about my musical acumen. I'm good at listening, but playing and singing, not so much. I may be the only guy in history to have this happen to me:
Once upon a time, many years ago (I can't remember that decade, exactly, or even which one it was) I went to see The Rolling Stones at Anaheim Stadium. Sixty thousand people in the crowd, yellin' an' screamin'. Mick Jagger comes struttin' out like a banty rooster, his scrawny chest stuck out nearly as far as his lips, one arm pointed at the sky. The crowd got wilder. You couldn't hear yourself think. Jagger grabbed a microphone (they still used them in those days), pointed at the crowd and yelled, "Thank you all for coming." Then, he pointed directly at me and said, "Gordon, don't clap. It throws our drummer off!"

As far as singing, I'm best in a group. Whenever I sing on a clear night, no problem. Dogs 'n frogs join in from miles around.

Here we go.

A. Top Five Lyrics that Move Your Heart:

"The Marine's Hymn" goes without saying.

1."Night Rider's Lament" - Nanci Griffith on "Other Voices, Other Rooms"
Tell me, why do you ride for your money, and why do you rope for short pay?
You ain't gettin' nowhere an' you're losing your share,
Oh, you must have gone crazy out there.

Well, they've never seen the Northern Lights,
never seen a hawk on the wing.
They've never seen Spring hit the Great Divide
Or heard ol' camp cookie sing.


2. "You Don't Miss Your Water" - Kathy Kallick on "Good Ol' Persons: Good and Live"
In the beginning you really loved me,
but I was blind and I could not see.

I was a playgirl, I could not be true.
I could not believe I really loved you.

But when you left me,
Oh, how I cried.
You don't miss your water
'Til your well runs dry.


3. "She's More To Be Pitied" - The Stanley Brothers and The Clinch Mountain Boys
She's there at the bar every evenin'
Face powdered and cheeks painted red.
Her beauty has faded too early
Brought on by the fast life she's led.

She's more to be pitied than scolded,
She needs to be loved, not despised.
Too much beer and wine, too many good times.
The lure of the honky-tonk has wrecked her young life.


4. "Joe's Last Train" - The Country Gentlemen
Standin' by the railroad track, his chin down on his chest,
The old man couldn't catch the train, although he tried his best.
A sleepin' roll, a coffee pot, a jug half full of wine,
He threw inside the boxcar that went on down the line.

Poor ol' Joe's too old to catch the train,
But somethin' keeps him tryin' just the same.
Old soldiers and old sailors have a place to go,
But no one helps a railroad bum like poor ol' Hobo Joe.


5. "Gypsies in the Palace" - Jimmy Buffett
-- spoken:
In days of old, when knights were bold,
And journeyed from their castles,
Trusty men were left behind,
Knights needed not the hassles.
They helped themselves to pig and peach,
And drank from king’s own chalice.
Oh, it was a stirring sight
These gypsies in the palace.
And some things never change. hit it boys!

So long boss, knock ’em dead, don’t worry ’bout a thing
Wish that we could come along, we’d love to hear you sing
Limo’s here, your bags are packed, the list is by the phone
Me and snake will watch your place and treat it like our own

Look at all this liquor
Look at all this food
It’s only gonna go to waste
We’re not really being rude
But the good stuff’s in his closet, I swear he wouldn’t mind
Hell we’ll just shoot the lock off, I do it all the time.

He’s the greatest guy to work for, man he’s really cool
Hey snake this party’s gettin’ dull, throw someone in the pool
Hey let’s all take our clothes off and form a conga line
Watch out for that broken glass, hey snake we need more wine

We’re gypsies in the palace, there ain’t no wrong or right
We’re gypsies in the palace, and we’re raisin’ hell tonight
Hey

Oh hi there boss, what’s goin’ on
You say you’re coming when?
I’ll send snake out to pick you up tomorrow night at ten, okay!
Everybody outta here, this joint is closin’ down
We gotta find someone to clean this up, he’s comin’ back to town

Hi there boss we waxed your cars, we raked and mowed your lawn
We couldn’t find enough to do in the short time you were gone
Man it sure is peaceful here, you’ve really got it all
If you ever hit the road again, give me and snake a call!


-- spoken:
Hey, jimmy, it’s glenn
Glenn, how ya doin’?
Fine man, I’m goin’ on the road.
Do you know anybody who could possibly house-sit for me?
I got these two great guys that look after my place.
Man, they’re the best!

B. Top 5 Instrumentals:

1. "Walk, Don't Run" - The Ventures
2. Any of the selections on CLARENCE WHITE: 33 ACOUSTIC GUITAR INSTRUMENTALS
3. "Dixie Breakdown" - The Dillards
4. "Thus Sprach Zarathustra" from "2001: A Space Odyssey"
5. Any selection from TUT & CLARENCE FLATPICKING

C. Top 5 Live Musical Experiences:

1. Smoking a joint with Doug Dillard in the back room of The Palomino Club in North Hollywood in the '70s. He told me I had a nice grin. If you've ever seen his shit-eatin' grin, you'd know that was like Jesus telling you you're a good person.
2. Malibu Mountains Bluegrass Festival, 1976. 100,000 people for a one-day event. Closed down the Ventura Freeway, ten miles away. Rode there with Joe Gastwirt, a mastering engineer and fellow motorcycle mechanic from Brooklyn who had just learned to drive and really shouldn't have been on the L.A. Freeway. I don't scare easy, but I made an exception that day. We had to carry a lot of water to get his load of an overheatin' Fairlane there and back. The music was good, but the whole day was one-of-a-kind.
3. Getting my friends "The Saddlerash Bluegrass Band" their first gig at the Pastime Club, aka The Knife n' Gun Club, in Truckee in the late '80s. They're from North Lake Tahoe, 12 miles away, and had never played that far from home before. Also, they were scared of Truckee's reputation as a tough town. It used to be. They had a great time and are still playing, and have become much more professional with time. Hey, ya gotta take it outta town sometime.
4. Seeing Emmylou Harris and The Hot Band at the Palomino Club in the '70s with Ricky Skaggs as her guitar player. We got to sit right in front. They got three bucks for a Bud so I snuck in a six-pack in the pockets of an English motorcycle jacket. The waitress kept checking my beer to see if I needed a fresh one but I never did. I think she musta thought I got pretty gooned on one bottle. Hell, I'm a cheap date.
5. I sang an old country tune, Freddy Hart's "The Wall", a cappella to a dorm full of youngsters in the county jail once and got applause. Yes, it was a captive audience but, trust me, these were not country fans. And just what was I doing in jail, you ask? Thirty days.

D. Top Five Artists You Think More People Should Listen To:

1. Kathy Kallick, solo, with "Good Ol' Persons" or anybody else.
2. Allison Krauss and Union Station
3. The Fox Family
4. The Seldom Scene - Bluegrass band from the D.C. area.
5. Bryan Bowers - Probably the best autoharp player in the world. He can play at least six parts of a song with one hand. I don't even know if it's been recorded but his "Hash Eatin' Song From Virginia" is not to be missed.

E. Top Five Albums You Must Hear From Start to Finish:

1. Emmylou Harris - "Quarter Moon In A Ten-Cent Town"
2. Mary McCaslin & Jim Ringer - "Bramble and the Rose"
3. Dolly Parton, Linda Ronstadt, Emmylou Harris - "Trio"
4. Chris Hillman & Herb Pedersen - "Bakersfield Bound"
5. Jimmy Buffett - "Meet Me In Margaritaville"

F. Top Five Musical Heroes:

1. Doug Dillard - World's best 5-string banjo player. I have never heard anyone play while they were sober with better speed and precision than he could while dead drunk and/or stoned on his ass. His band,"The Dillards", played "The Darlings" on the Andy Griffith Show.
2. Emmylou Harris, for her entire body of work.
3. Jimmy Buffett, just 'cuz he's Jimmy Buffett.
4. Woody Guthrie. He wrote and sang about hard times, and tried to make a difference.
5. Alan Lomax, for preserving an awful lot of American and world music.

This was fun but actually kinda hard, not just the research and typing but choosing from all the wonderful music and brilliant writers and performers. Since the whole thing is sorta mood-driven, the whole shootin' match could come up different on any given day. There's other categories that should be included too, but I'm tired.

Do this to me again 'dog and I'll...do it again.

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