10 amazing truths you already suspected Volume VI

If it's Wednesday, it must be Morford.

1) The end is near-ish! Government overspending will be the death of us all! Massive, crushing debt will blot out the sun and ruin your lawn! Buy gold and hoard it in your small intestine for the End Times that are coming soon! The GOP and Glenn Beck hath spoken!
...

Ironic, then, how it's actually the Tea Party-riffic red states that suck up far, far more in government handouts than the blue. Did you already know? I bet you did. Even more amusing is the inverse relationship: The more red/Republican a given state votes -- and hence the more loudly it complains about government spending -- the more it swallows federal handouts like Charlie Sheen inhaling Bolivia. It's true. It's also sort of amazing.

2) It all dovetails sweetly with the fact that the more morally righteous and fundamentally Christian a red state is, the higher its teen pregnancy rates, the sadder its abortion rates, the less it cares for its poor and its needy, the more awful its sex education, the less it contributes to the national dialogue and the more paranoid its gun-loving, Bible-misquoting, Fox News-adoring citizenry.

Does it matter? Nope. As evidenced by the last election, the Republicans know -- and brilliantly leverage -- a rather vile truism liberals cannot seem to grasp: When all is said and done, it pays to be a hypocrite.

3) Fox News makes you stupid. Fox News makes you stupid. [...]

Duh. Duh.

6) The pope! Right. Wouldn't be a proper "10 Truths" list without a mention of the ever-quotable P. Benedict, always ready with a fine, hoary excuse for the gay porn palace that is the Catholic priesthood.

8) Mmm, Taco Bell. [...]

Retch. Someone, somewhere, must think the Taco Bell crap is Mexican food. It's barely food at all, and the closest it comes to being Mexican is that Mexican kids reconstitute it and heat it up and hand it to you.

Speaking of Mexican food, Mrs. G is completely recovered now, so tonight we're going to go to Las Panchitas to quell a monster jones for an Early Bird Special discount combo plate and so she can get a $3 Happy Hour Cactus Smoothie Frozen Concoction That Helps Her Hang On*. All's right with the world.

*Wishing a speedy recovery to Jimmy Buffett after his massive face plant.

And I prefer the term "thrifty senior citizen" to "cheap old fart", thank you.

But I digress.

9) America's favorite book? The Bible. The single tome that tops the bestseller list every year and is cited by all GOP hopefuls as their favoritest book ever next to "The Hungry Caterpillar" and "Curious George Disappears Into a Gay Pride Parade and Emerges Four Days Later Wearing Nothing But a Cock Ring and a Smile"? The Bible.

The book the vast majority of Americans know the least about, never fail to misinterpret their facts when referencing, generally haven't actually read and largely haven't the slightest clue what they're talking about despite how they claim to set their wobbly moral compasses by it? One guess.

That's an easy one: the Constitution.