How to rule the world for five minutes

Hmmmm. Five minutes. Might be able to do a little of what needs to be done. Fifteen minutes would be better, and I think I might be able to pull it off if I had a whole day. I mean, there's B-52 and C-130 flying time to consider, to places like North Waziristan and to Gitmo from D.C. and Wall Street. Ah, to dream...

If it's Wednesday, it must be Morford.

There are many ways to have national or even international media attention heaped upon your head for a short burst of time, if you so desire. Why you would desire such a thing is, of course, between you and your demons. Choose wisely.

But by far the best and most delightful, time-tested method by which you can get yourself some international attention -- and easily my personal favorite, if for no other reason than you can make the entire thing up from scratch, usually while naked and delirious and at least partially drunk -- is to proclaim, calmly and clearly and without a hint of irony, the imminent end of the world.

Dictators and gun rampages, wasted celebs and abusive parents, ridiculous excess and pornographic debauchery so normalized that nothing's shocking anymore? It's all part of the plan, baby, more evidence that Jesus is coming back real soon now, and he can't wait to party with Charlie Sheen, cash in his Apple stock and finally redeem that Groupon for 50 percent off a Sonoma wine tasting/hot tub party with 100 of his closest cherubim.

All that in five minutes? Sounds like fun but it sure don't leave much time for stoppin' ta smell the roses...