Headin' out...

We're going out to the coast for a few days so blogging will be light to neglible. See yas.

And thanks to Crooks and Liars for linking to this post the other day. I don't keep up with that kind of stuff as well as Fixer did.

We're winning.

Hey Yertle, feel sumthin' tuggin' atcher lip?

Wired. Links at site.

Senate Minority Leader Fooled by Report in Military Version of The Onion

Meet The Duffel Blog (Also on Facebook - G), if you haven’t already. A must-read for national-security nerds — and anyone who enjoys humor, really — it provides pitch-perfect military parody online, such as this piece about Syria hosting Iraq War reenactors (bylined by “G-Had”) or this one about a Google Street View Prius getting blown up in Kandahar. The Duffel Blog, as dutiful readers know, is America’s oldest online source for fake military news, founded in 1797 in a moment of farsightedness. It often gives more real talk than most legit journalistic institutions, but there is no way you can confuse it with the real news.

Unless you are a senior member of the United States Senate.

On November 14, 2012, Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) wrote to Elizabeth King, the Pentagon’s congressional liaison, with a an unusually credulous query. “I am writing on behalf of a constituent who has contacted me regarding Guantanamo Bay prisoners receiving Post 9/11 GI Bill benefits,” McConnell wrote in a letter acquired by Danger Room. “I would appreciate your review and response to my constituent’s concerns.”

Um, Guantanamo detainees getting GI Bill benefits? Yes, that’s from the Duffel Blog, as McConnell’s constituent clearly states, complete with the reference URL. Said constituent even notes that he or she can’t find any information about the alleged government payouts to suspected insurgents and terrorists.

The Defense Department does a lot of inexplicable things at Guantanamo Bay — there’s a resume-building workshop for detainees, for real — but paying detainees GI Bill benefits is not one of them. “The very idea that the U.S. government would extend GI Bill benefits to enemy detainees is a patent absurdity,” says Army Lt. Col. Todd Breasseale, the Pentagon’s spokesman on all matters Guantanamo.

The Duffel Blog piece about the fake GI Bill benefits is not subtle. “By allowing the detainees to use the Department of Veterans Affairs, we hope to completely crush their souls with bureaucracy,” it quotes a fake Pentagon spokesman saying. There’s also a false quote from Veterans Affairs Secretary Eric Shinseki: “Because most ‘guests’ at Guantanamo Bay have been there nearly a decade and there is no end in site for their ‘visit,’ the Department of Veterans Affairs is ready to have their claims processed in 12-15 years as per standard operating procedure.”

At the risk of explaining the joke, the Duffel Blog’s real objective is to send up the inadequate, mollasses-slow benefits the government provides to the nation’s veterans. In other news, Garfield ate all the lasagna and now Jon is really mad.

I betcha Senator Judd won't be fooled that easy. Heh.

The pope stole my Maker’s Mark

If it's Wednesday it must be Morford making a few observations you don't want to moss.

And I am, clearly, far from alone. Witness tens of thousands of hardcore fans wailing like alcoholic banshees at the makers of Maker’s Mark, after the company announced it was going to add a tiny bit of water to the product – you never would have noticed, silly – because it turns out bourbon’s popularity is skyrocketing and they can’t keep up with demand, and by adding a little water (thus cutting 90 proof to 84, from 45 percent alcohol to 42) they would ensure enough supply going forward.

Mistake! Blasphemy! This is America, you fools. You do not mess with semi-automatic assault weapons, fetish porn, secretly gay Republicans or the recipe for a hugely popular but not exactly world-class mixing bourbon that might nevertheless just have the best price/quality/inebriation quotient of all Kentucky bourbons this side of Woodford Reserve.
...

Is this you? Are you one who likes to believe, with a jaded and weary sigh, that the world is still run by old, rich white males who loathe everything you stand for and will do everything in their power to destroy you, and there’s little anyone can do about it?

Behold, some balm. I am delighted to report that even supposedly impenetrable, high-powered Wall Street execs turn into whiny, defensive five-year-olds when a whip-smart liberal female – this time in the form of Sen. Elizabeth Warren – calls them out and pretty much tells them straight up what charlatans, fools and jackals everyone knows they really are.
...

Speaking of whom. Ex-pope Benedict! Feel better, sir. Sorry to hear you’re so tired and infirm. But oh, you really were an unmitigated disaster, miserable and regressive and sort of pathetic, setting the church back a good 100 years, which no one thought possible given how far back it was in the first place.

You were, in the eyes of anyone with even a slightly progressive soul, a bit of an abject failure in your handling of the sexual abuse scandal, or condoms in Africa, or any sort of even moderate reform, a weak and ineffectual leader who invited back all sorts of vile ultraconservatives into the church folds. You’ve also made sure that your successor won’t budge the crusty faith forward a single millimeter until Jesus himself comes down and slaps you all upside the head with a giant gay marriage certificate, a Magdalene priestess and a heaven-sized bottle of Maker’s Mark. Soon, honey. Soon.

More. Go. Enjoy.

Mud on the Highway

Apropos of absolutely nothing except some controversy about 40 miles east of me, I thought you might like to see a short video of the Comstock area around Virginia City/Gold Hill, Nevada.

YubaNet

VIRGINIA CITY, Nev. Feb. 18, 2013 - The Senior Planner for Storey County announced at a recent County Commissioners meeting that, despite a so called "Gentleman's Agreement" to limit the negative impacts of open pit, or 'strip', mining in the National Historic Landmark, Comstock Mining Inc. (CMI) intended to begin soon running heavy ore-hauling trucks through neighborhoods along Hwy 342 until midnight. Those trucks began hauling ore this past President's Day weekend, in darkness on the narrow two-lane highway, leading residents to believe that they could be subjected to this industrial travesty 7 days a week for the foreseeable future.

Godwin is ROTFLHFAO!

Godwin observed that, given enough time, in any online discussion—regardless of topic or scope—someone inevitably makes a comparison to Hitler or the Nazis.

The Nazis are calling the other Nazis Nazis. Heh. Politico.

A top tea party group is taking its clash with Karl Rove to a new level, sending out a fundraising email Tuesday featuring a photoshopped image of the GOP operative in an SS uniform.

“Wipe the Smirk Off Karl Rove’s Face,” reads the subject line of the email, from Jenny Beth Martin, co-founder and national coordinator of the Tea Party Patriots.

The email features a photo illustration in which Rove’s face is grafted onto a photo of a uniformed officer in the Reichsführer-SS, an elite class of soldier in the German Schutzstaffel during Adolph Hitler’s Third Reich. The lower left-hand corner of the photo features the inscriptions “Reichsführer-SS” and “K. Rove,” and appears to match a photo of SS Reichsführer Heinrich Himmler.
...

The tea party drew scathing criticism when a relatively small number of activists used racist rhetoric and Hitler comparisons in their criticism of President Barack Obama. Tea party leaders quickly denounced the rhetoric as unrepresentative of the small government movement, and pointed out that liberals protesting the Iraq war had compared former President George W. Bush to Nazis.

Yes, yes we did. Glad you Nazi fuckers are catching on.

Oh, the irony...

Ironic Times

GOP Sen. Mitch McConnell: Legalize Hemp
And arrest anyone caught smoking it.

Just give them some aspirin.

Colorado Gov. Drinks Glass of Fracking Fluid to Prove Its Safety
Services are Thursday.

Heh.

Republican Schism: Karl Rove, Tea Party at Odds
One side believes in scorched earth ad hominem attacks to achieve victory at all costs, the other side feels that approach is too soft.

Someone please put the last man standing out of his misery. At the ballot box.

Toy Drone Sells Out on Amazon
Pentagon buys every last one.

Related:

Pentagon Creates New Medal for Drone Pilots
The Distinguished Couch Potato Cross.

I've had that one with Battle Stars and Oak Leaf Clusters for years!

Better-Late-Than-Never Headline of the Day

‘Lincoln’ inspires Mississippi to finally ratify amendment abolishing slavery

Actually, they ratified it in 1995 but never bothered to tell the federal government until now. 1995. Yeesh.

A Message To The College Of Cardinals From The Holy Spirit

Goblinbooks is on fire today! Do not miss this!

Folks, I'm not coming.

I don't know how you're going to pick the new guy. I don't care how you're going to pick the new guy. Puff the white smoke, don't puff the white smoke, it makes absolutely no difference. I refuse to be a part of this, this - I want to say train wreck, obviously, but at least train wrecks have the decency to stop at some point.

Flip a coin, play Monopoly, try competitive teabagging... however you select the new pontiff, I want everyone reading this to understand that I, the breath of the Almighty, the small still voice of Yahweh, the third distinct Holy Person in the mystical entity known to the faithful as the Triune God, will play absolutely no role in this purple freak show. I will be inspiring none of you. I will invest no one with the strength to become the heir of St. Peter and manage the affairs of the Bride of Christ on earth. Suck it, chumps. You're on your own.

This should surprise no one. Anybody following the Charlie-Sheen-porn-family you people have become will probably not even shrug at this announcement. It's difficult to find a Cardinal who doesn't resemble Keyser Söze in drag. Pick the spiritual leader of millions? Most of you guys are lucky you're not in prison.
...

I could go on, but why bother? You have proven repeatedly that you're willing to enforce your extremist laws on everyone but yourselves. For you there are always excuses, loopholes, and chances to sit out the scandal. Everyone knows this. Because of you, there are now two kinds of Catholics: People who take Rome seriously and people who are paying attention. I've got better things to do than put a stamp on whatever rightwing gargoyle you're going to pick.

In fact, if I'm going to use any of my influence it'll be to remind the good, decent Catholics of what they already know. That the only moral response to you is rebellion. If they take me seriously, and some of them still do, I'm telling them to oppose your terrible nonsense. They need to fight back, and maybe finally walk across the street and join a church that doesn't run afoul of the RICO Act.

Okay, enough. You people exhaust me. I've got a couple of next year's Grammy winners to crap out, and then it's back to bed.

Remembering that one "aw shit" wipes out 10,000 "attaboys", for all the good works done by lower level church people, it's still a top-down medieval institution, the trappings and wealth of which, not to mention the anachronistic policies and rituals, disgust me.

Then there's the pedophilia cover-ups. Jesus weeps.

"Happy Presidents' Day, Which I Totally Invented" By Richard Nixon

Goblinbooks

Hi there. I am speaking to you from the ninth level of the Kingdom of Shadows, where I am encased up to my buttocks in a lake of ice. And I wanted to wish all of you a very happy Presidents' Day, even though I completely made it up, and it's not real.
...

You're having that M. Night Shyamalan moment, aren't you? The whole world flipped inside out, and now you feel queasy and powerless. Plus I just reminded you of M. Night Shyamalan, so it hurts even more. This is what I do. And it's why this day is my real legacy. I have left an imprint on your conceptual world, and it allows me to screw with you from beyond the grave. So have we all.

Every one of us, every thug, liar, and scoundrel who managed to shimmy up that greasy pole changed how we govern the country in big and small ways... some of them quite unnoticeable. People want to honor the brave and the smart and the honest. But isn't so much of our history about guys like me?
...

Tricking you into observing a fake holiday is a perfect monument to what we do. And the way you, the American people, celebrate it is also fitting: You don't care. You just want to max out that credit card for some crap you don't need.

From the depths of hell, I salute you my subjects and citizens. We need each other, don't we? We're all in this together in the dark.

Tell Liddy I'll come for him soon. Bye.

Enjoy your holiday anyway. To us retired folks, and many lower wage employees, it's just a day with no mail.

Obama is a pot-smoking Black Panther hip hop artist

Note: Very realistic although a tad more intelligent than the real thing, but this is CLEARLY LABELLED SATIRE. Via Raw Story.

Word

Thanks to oldfartrants.

Headline of the Day

Topeka, Kansas, Urged To Remove Fluoride From Drinking Water To Protect Legislators' IQs

Heh. I think that ship done sailed. Or, barn door, meet gone horse.

Saturday Emmylou Blogging

Emmylou Harris performs "Red Dirt Girl" live at Farm Aid 2005 at the First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre in Tinley Park, Illinois on September 18, 2005.

Thanks to farmaid.

DesperationNews

TPM

Herman Cain Joins Fox News As A Contributor
...

Former Sen. Scott Brown (R-MA) also joined the conservative news network as a contributor this week.

This is known colloquially as "rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic". FauxNews and the GOP can hold hands and sing "Nearer My God To Thee" as they sink into the depths with my blessing.

We're winning.

Keep It KKKlassy, Teabaggers

Arizona Tea Party Leader Scraps ‘Be Mein’ Hitler Valentines

According to the Capitol Times, other cards featured Fidel Castro, Joseph Stalin and Mao Zedong as well as Karl Marx and Leon Trotsky. Viramontes told the Times that FreedomWorks is planning a big push for legislation that will limit the ability of public sector unions to collect money from their members for use in political efforts.

This ill-fated Valentine's Day stint comes on the same day that Mother Jones reported that FreedomWorks executives in Washington, D.C. made a video -- which they almost showed at a tea party conference -- in which a fake panda performs oral sex on a woman impersonating then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

Despicable petty bullshit is what we've come to expect from these assholes. They do not disappoint.

Headline of the Day

Colorado Senate president reacts to marijuana smell in Capitol: ‘Please douse all the doobies’

With video! This is getting better and better! Let's take this to the national level. Someone please pass a joint or a brownie to Grampa Walnuts. I bet he'd be fuckin' hilarious. Heh.

Drinking his bong water?

No GOPer would dare do this! He might see the light. I doubt that, but I wish they'd all do it.

Upon a little reflection, it dawns on me that they may have tried it and just got it wrong. Note to the GOP: You're supposed to smoke it, not drink it. Heh.

Via Raw Story.

Nancy Pelosi et al On Ted Nugent

HuffPo

The decision by Rep. Steve Stockman (R-Texas) to invite controversial musician Ted Nugent to be his guest at Tuesday night's State of the Union address has become a bit of a distraction.
...

"I am more concerned about Steve Stockman being here than Ted Nugent," she said. "Ted Nugent will leave. Steve Stockman will still be here."
...

"I don’t think that highly of him at all," she said of the congressman. "He invited a guest. He has the right to do that. If a liberal had ever invited somebody to a State of the Union who had made the statements Ted Nugent made about cutting off our heads, and that he'd be 'dead or in jail' if the president got elected -- if a liberal or a progressive had ever invited somebody who had made those kind of comments to the State of the Union, can you just imagine? Can you just imagine?"

I believe Nancy knows full well that IOKIYAR.

"He has the right to invite the person and that is a statement about himself as much as it is about his guest," she added.
...

Pelosi is clearly not a fan of Stockman. Earlier in the interview, when discussing gun control, she noted that he was "eating out of a trash can" (my em. Heh.)before he won his first congressional election back in 1994.

Now he's feeding at the gravy train trough on our dime. Nancy had the good grace not to call the guy a despicable asshole, which grace I do not have.

The Nuge sat quietly and did not applaud or stand. I don't think he much liked being there, but his duty as a great patriot required his presence, I guess. Those pesky commie seating planners plopped him next to a gay civil rights activist from Oregon. Heh.

Following the President's speech, Nugent took to Twitter to assure his followers that he remained as headstrong as ever. "It deeply pains me to report that the prez is a master scam artist," Nugent wrote. "Didn't believe a word."

Then again, it's unclear if he was even paying attention.

According to Slate's Dave Weigel, the Nuge didn't stand up for anything the president said — not even "our brave men and women in uniform are coming home."

Yes, a great patriot. Fucker makes me wanta puke, but I ain't giving up my lunch for the likes of him.

Twitter's a good thing for him. It's QUIET.

From The Reverend Al:

The aging rocker called Rhode Island Rep. Jim Langevin ”s*#t for brains” for his comments that Nugent was an “odd choice for a member of Congress to invite someone who threatened the life of the President.”
...

He took on the president too, criticizing his “predicable, flowery, feel good, save the children, end world hunger insanity.”

Yeah, that's a bad thing in right-wing bizarro world. Yeesh.

When challenged by NBC news reporter Luke Russert over comments he made last year, comparing Democrats like Obama, Joe Biden, and Hillary Clinton to coyotes who deserve to be shot, Nugent became agitated, cursing at Russert and calling him a liar in vulgar terms.

When Russert pressed him to explain what he said, Nugent repeatedly claimed he “never said that,” even though he can be seen on camera comparing those Democrats to coyotes who deserve to be shot and have their heads chopped off.

Damn if the Russert kid ain't got a pair! 'Bout fuckin' time, kid! Maybe there's hope for you yet! Maybe.

Here's something new:

Nugent became even more agitated when asked why he didn’t stand in acknowledgement “of the brave men and women of our armed forces” during the address. His response? “Both of my legs are shattered, I can’t get up and down because of the pain,” he said. “I’m actually forgoing a double knee replacement today to be here tonight.”

He then lumped Russert into the same category as Congressmen Langevin for even asking the question.

It’s not the first time Nugent has used a physical ailment as an excuse for his behavior. Last May he blew up at a CBS reporter after he insinuated the rocker wasn’t a moderate.

After the interview ended, Nugent’s wife urged him to apologize, and he justified his behavior by pointing out he was rushed to the hospital to treat a kidney stone after the outburst.

I'll file that info. Now I know right where to kick him and put a few quick sharp-knuckle rabbit punches. From one hardass rabbit. Heh.

Just a loudmouth no-class right-wing chickenhawk punk. Nothing new.

You and your terrifying orange juice

If it's Wednesday it must be Morford sounding off on ... orange juice as the symbol of our spiritually dysfunctional society.

Confession! I do not drink much orange juice. I do not ever buy those giant, brightly colored cartoon jugs that look like caricatures of life, those carefully molded plastic things covered in scripty fonts and clip-art trees and pretty, hyper-saturated oranges made to look as if your own exploited Mexican laborer picked them five minutes ago and squeezed them into a drinking glass just for you, and then died.

Neither do I. My Dad would drink nothing but freshly squeezed orange juice. He would squeeze it at home and specify it in restaurants. You could get it in restaurants in those days. He claimed that, 20 minutes after squeezing, orange juice morphed chemically into a substance exactly like rattlesnake venom. I don't know if that's true, but he believed it.

He missed out on the chemicals and food processing techniques we "enjoy" today whereby rattlesnake venom may be the least harmful thing we can consume. Freshly squeezed, of course.

Texas Rep Stomps Repugs' Pecker

Ted Nugent’s SOTU Invite Is The Best News Gun Control Advocates Have Heard All Week

If you say so...

So much for shedding the 'stupid party' label
...

For the record, I don't much care about Nugent's ridiculous antics. He's obviously a fringe extremist who uses vile language; he hasn't had a hit since the '70s; and he's generally better left ignored.

But Nugent has also gone after President Obama with rhetoric that was violent enough to get the attention of the Secret Service. Try to imagine the political world's reaction if a washed-up entertainer targeted a Republican president with violent rhetoric, and then a Democratic member of Congress invited him as a special guest to attend the State of the Union.

The whiny bastards'd have a fuckin' cow and piss all over themselves as victims of the mean-ass bully godless commie liberals. Heh.

As the Stockman/Nugent story reminds us, the problem isn't that Republicans have some "cranks, haters, and bigots"; the problem is that Republicans are a radicalized party in which "cranks, haters, and bigots" routinely dominate.

This is America. Nugent is entitled to his opinion and can spew any right-wing garbage he wants to at any volume he can manage short of an actual threat. By the same token, I can think of that washed-up has-been never-was as a drawers-crappin' chickenhawk punk that I'd dearly love to deck. That's not a threat. It's an offer. Any time, any place, asshole. I would like nothing better than for him to have to explain to his wingnut buddies that he got all those lumps and bumps and bruises when a pussy liberal kicked his ass.