With Rick Santorum out of the race, the Republican base is scrambling to build support around another contender who could beat Romney. And they may have discovered a dark horse candidate: an unidentified shirtless man screaming obscenities at traffic from the parking lot of a Tulsa-area Walgreens.
Shortly after beginning his remarks to passing cars and Walgreens security at 6 am, the man surfaced on Youtube, where he garnered more than 100,000 viewers. Conservative groups then raised $3 million in donations to form an exploratory committee for the man, but have not been able to contact him, since he appeared to have thrown his cell phone into a storm drain, before defecating into it. Still, Republicans are hopeful.
GOP operatives are not completely convinced the man has the discipline to stand up to Mitt Romney, especially since his first appearance ended with the arrival of the police, and repeated taserings. But Bryan Morris, political science professor at Yale thinks he represents the last, best hope core conservatives have of winning.
"We're looking at 80 year-old Tea Partiers who scream about small government, while they collect their entitlement checks. Politicians making speeches about cutting the deficit, while they refuse to talk about tax revenue or cut a gargantuan military," says Morris. "They say they want a strong defense, while supporting a web of military commitments that does everything except protect ordinary Americans. They say they support freedom, but they want the feds to police your bedroom. I mean, the GOP is doing everything it can to avoid developing any coherent political goals whatsoever. So... some guy hollering about Obama's Arab spies and crapping through a drainage grate seems to be their best bet."
"Unless he's pro-choice."
Sounds like the perfect Repug candidate!
Unless he's pro-choice.
CLEARLY LABELLED SATIRE