President Bush wins secret fourth debate after Kerry fails to materialize
By Andy Borowitz
Updated: 3:03 p.m. ET Oct. 19, 2004
Oct. 19 - President George W. Bush notched his first debate victory early Sunday morning, winning handily in a fourth presidential debate that was kept secret from his Democratic rival, Sen. John Kerry.
The debate, which was held at 2 AM Sunday morning in the basement of the White House and moderated by Fox News personality Bill O'Reilly, was a must-win affair in the eyes of the Bush campaign strategists who planned it.
"We knew that we needed to win at least one debate going into November," said Bush strategist Karl Rove. "Mission accomplished."
While aides to Kerry howled that the debate did not count since their candidate was kept totally in the dark about its time and place, Rove said, "They can spin this any way they want, but a win is a win."
The White House today released a videotape of the president's triumphal fourth debate, showing Bush gesturing towards an empty podium with Kerry nowhere in sight.
"Looks like my opponent didn't make it today," a smirking Bush says on the tape. "I guess he must be back in Massachusetts, busy being a liberal and such."
Four minutes into the matchup, O'Reilly declares Bush the winner and abruptly excuses himself, saying, "I've got a few phone calls to make."
Elsewhere, television station owner Sinclair Broadcasting found itself at the center of yet another controversy today after it ordered all of its affiliates to broadcast a film titled "John Kerry: Portrait of a Serial Killer."
Andy Borowitz is the author of The Borowitz Report, and the winner of the National Press Club's humor award. For more, go to http://www.borowitzreport.com/.
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