No Fat In Onions, Eh?

With all the talk about juvenile obesity, The Onion kicks in its two cents worth...

With obesity among children rising steadily, health experts say our school's physical education programs are woefully inadequate. What do you think?

"Well, what do people expect? How are today's gym teachers supposed to motivate kids, now that homophobia, verbal harassment, and physical abuse are off limits?"

"I don't want my kids missing out on all that gym class offers. That's why I give them cruel nicknames, make them shower together, and snap them with wet towels."

"You know, sex burns a lot of calories. Teens love sex. I can't see why no one has thought of this before."

Those first two bring back memories. That last one? Great. Two generations of fat kids in the same classroom! That's all we need. Oh, well, it's a Red State thing anyway. But it's our money.