Wednesday, March 28, 2012

10 things you need not worry about

If it's Wednesday, it must be Morford easing our minds about various things.

There are plenty of things to concern yourself with. There are far too many things that wish to stress you out, slap you asunder and make you feel heavy, sad, lost. These should not be among them. Starting with:

1) Rick Santorum. Isn't he just the skeeviest little disruption, like fingernails on the chalkboard of human delight? Is he not the weirdest, bitchiest little dog whose cute scruffiness belies the fact that, when he opens his mouth, the strangest, most hideous sounds come out?

Good news: Rick is about as much of a threat to the attuned way of life as flea is to a pack of wolves. You only worry about him the way you worry about an errant wart on your elbow, the one you only notice when you lean in to watch "True Blood" on your laptop and you go, "Oh right, I need to get that dry little nub excised, pronto," and then you go back to enjoying all the other good things in life -- which, when compared to Rick Santorum, is pretty much everything.

9) Massive, unstoppable global socioeconomic meltdown. Look, 53 percent of the world claims they're "happy." Which seems utterly impossible, given how they can't all have unlimited access to iPads and iPhones and free porn and bacon-flavored vodka and Leonard Cohen records and Burning Man and Ducati motorcycles and sweaty yoga and artisan whisky and leather, like you do. What is wrong with them? Might they be onto something? What do they know that you don't?

Dey gots nuttin', honey. Eight more plus this jewel:

Instead, spend your energy on figuring out how to adapt, evolve, and fight the zombies.


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