Better-Late-Than-Never Headline of the Day

‘Lincoln’ inspires Mississippi to finally ratify amendment abolishing slavery

Actually, they ratified it in 1995 but never bothered to tell the federal government until now. 1995. Yeesh.

A Message To The College Of Cardinals From The Holy Spirit

Goblinbooks is on fire today! Do not miss this!

Folks, I'm not coming.

I don't know how you're going to pick the new guy. I don't care how you're going to pick the new guy. Puff the white smoke, don't puff the white smoke, it makes absolutely no difference. I refuse to be a part of this, this - I want to say train wreck, obviously, but at least train wrecks have the decency to stop at some point.

Flip a coin, play Monopoly, try competitive teabagging... however you select the new pontiff, I want everyone reading this to understand that I, the breath of the Almighty, the small still voice of Yahweh, the third distinct Holy Person in the mystical entity known to the faithful as the Triune God, will play absolutely no role in this purple freak show. I will be inspiring none of you. I will invest no one with the strength to become the heir of St. Peter and manage the affairs of the Bride of Christ on earth. Suck it, chumps. You're on your own.

This should surprise no one. Anybody following the Charlie-Sheen-porn-family you people have become will probably not even shrug at this announcement. It's difficult to find a Cardinal who doesn't resemble Keyser Söze in drag. Pick the spiritual leader of millions? Most of you guys are lucky you're not in prison.
...

I could go on, but why bother? You have proven repeatedly that you're willing to enforce your extremist laws on everyone but yourselves. For you there are always excuses, loopholes, and chances to sit out the scandal. Everyone knows this. Because of you, there are now two kinds of Catholics: People who take Rome seriously and people who are paying attention. I've got better things to do than put a stamp on whatever rightwing gargoyle you're going to pick.

In fact, if I'm going to use any of my influence it'll be to remind the good, decent Catholics of what they already know. That the only moral response to you is rebellion. If they take me seriously, and some of them still do, I'm telling them to oppose your terrible nonsense. They need to fight back, and maybe finally walk across the street and join a church that doesn't run afoul of the RICO Act.

Okay, enough. You people exhaust me. I've got a couple of next year's Grammy winners to crap out, and then it's back to bed.

Remembering that one "aw shit" wipes out 10,000 "attaboys", for all the good works done by lower level church people, it's still a top-down medieval institution, the trappings and wealth of which, not to mention the anachronistic policies and rituals, disgust me.

Then there's the pedophilia cover-ups. Jesus weeps.

"Happy Presidents' Day, Which I Totally Invented" By Richard Nixon

Goblinbooks

Hi there. I am speaking to you from the ninth level of the Kingdom of Shadows, where I am encased up to my buttocks in a lake of ice. And I wanted to wish all of you a very happy Presidents' Day, even though I completely made it up, and it's not real.
...

You're having that M. Night Shyamalan moment, aren't you? The whole world flipped inside out, and now you feel queasy and powerless. Plus I just reminded you of M. Night Shyamalan, so it hurts even more. This is what I do. And it's why this day is my real legacy. I have left an imprint on your conceptual world, and it allows me to screw with you from beyond the grave. So have we all.

Every one of us, every thug, liar, and scoundrel who managed to shimmy up that greasy pole changed how we govern the country in big and small ways... some of them quite unnoticeable. People want to honor the brave and the smart and the honest. But isn't so much of our history about guys like me?
...

Tricking you into observing a fake holiday is a perfect monument to what we do. And the way you, the American people, celebrate it is also fitting: You don't care. You just want to max out that credit card for some crap you don't need.

From the depths of hell, I salute you my subjects and citizens. We need each other, don't we? We're all in this together in the dark.

Tell Liddy I'll come for him soon. Bye.

Enjoy your holiday anyway. To us retired folks, and many lower wage employees, it's just a day with no mail.

Obama is a pot-smoking Black Panther hip hop artist

Note: Very realistic although a tad more intelligent than the real thing, but this is CLEARLY LABELLED SATIRE. Via Raw Story.

Word

Thanks to oldfartrants.

Headline of the Day

Topeka, Kansas, Urged To Remove Fluoride From Drinking Water To Protect Legislators' IQs

Heh. I think that ship done sailed. Or, barn door, meet gone horse.

Saturday Emmylou Blogging

Emmylou Harris performs "Red Dirt Girl" live at Farm Aid 2005 at the First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre in Tinley Park, Illinois on September 18, 2005.

Thanks to farmaid.

DesperationNews

TPM

Herman Cain Joins Fox News As A Contributor
...

Former Sen. Scott Brown (R-MA) also joined the conservative news network as a contributor this week.

This is known colloquially as "rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic". FauxNews and the GOP can hold hands and sing "Nearer My God To Thee" as they sink into the depths with my blessing.

We're winning.

Keep It KKKlassy, Teabaggers

Arizona Tea Party Leader Scraps ‘Be Mein’ Hitler Valentines

According to the Capitol Times, other cards featured Fidel Castro, Joseph Stalin and Mao Zedong as well as Karl Marx and Leon Trotsky. Viramontes told the Times that FreedomWorks is planning a big push for legislation that will limit the ability of public sector unions to collect money from their members for use in political efforts.

This ill-fated Valentine's Day stint comes on the same day that Mother Jones reported that FreedomWorks executives in Washington, D.C. made a video -- which they almost showed at a tea party conference -- in which a fake panda performs oral sex on a woman impersonating then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

Despicable petty bullshit is what we've come to expect from these assholes. They do not disappoint.

Headline of the Day

Colorado Senate president reacts to marijuana smell in Capitol: ‘Please douse all the doobies’

With video! This is getting better and better! Let's take this to the national level. Someone please pass a joint or a brownie to Grampa Walnuts. I bet he'd be fuckin' hilarious. Heh.

Drinking his bong water?

No GOPer would dare do this! He might see the light. I doubt that, but I wish they'd all do it.

Upon a little reflection, it dawns on me that they may have tried it and just got it wrong. Note to the GOP: You're supposed to smoke it, not drink it. Heh.

Via Raw Story.

Nancy Pelosi et al On Ted Nugent

HuffPo

The decision by Rep. Steve Stockman (R-Texas) to invite controversial musician Ted Nugent to be his guest at Tuesday night's State of the Union address has become a bit of a distraction.
...

"I am more concerned about Steve Stockman being here than Ted Nugent," she said. "Ted Nugent will leave. Steve Stockman will still be here."
...

"I don’t think that highly of him at all," she said of the congressman. "He invited a guest. He has the right to do that. If a liberal had ever invited somebody to a State of the Union who had made the statements Ted Nugent made about cutting off our heads, and that he'd be 'dead or in jail' if the president got elected -- if a liberal or a progressive had ever invited somebody who had made those kind of comments to the State of the Union, can you just imagine? Can you just imagine?"

I believe Nancy knows full well that IOKIYAR.

"He has the right to invite the person and that is a statement about himself as much as it is about his guest," she added.
...

Pelosi is clearly not a fan of Stockman. Earlier in the interview, when discussing gun control, she noted that he was "eating out of a trash can" (my em. Heh.)before he won his first congressional election back in 1994.

Now he's feeding at the gravy train trough on our dime. Nancy had the good grace not to call the guy a despicable asshole, which grace I do not have.

The Nuge sat quietly and did not applaud or stand. I don't think he much liked being there, but his duty as a great patriot required his presence, I guess. Those pesky commie seating planners plopped him next to a gay civil rights activist from Oregon. Heh.

Following the President's speech, Nugent took to Twitter to assure his followers that he remained as headstrong as ever. "It deeply pains me to report that the prez is a master scam artist," Nugent wrote. "Didn't believe a word."

Then again, it's unclear if he was even paying attention.

According to Slate's Dave Weigel, the Nuge didn't stand up for anything the president said — not even "our brave men and women in uniform are coming home."

Yes, a great patriot. Fucker makes me wanta puke, but I ain't giving up my lunch for the likes of him.

Twitter's a good thing for him. It's QUIET.

From The Reverend Al:

The aging rocker called Rhode Island Rep. Jim Langevin ”s*#t for brains” for his comments that Nugent was an “odd choice for a member of Congress to invite someone who threatened the life of the President.”
...

He took on the president too, criticizing his “predicable, flowery, feel good, save the children, end world hunger insanity.”

Yeah, that's a bad thing in right-wing bizarro world. Yeesh.

When challenged by NBC news reporter Luke Russert over comments he made last year, comparing Democrats like Obama, Joe Biden, and Hillary Clinton to coyotes who deserve to be shot, Nugent became agitated, cursing at Russert and calling him a liar in vulgar terms.

When Russert pressed him to explain what he said, Nugent repeatedly claimed he “never said that,” even though he can be seen on camera comparing those Democrats to coyotes who deserve to be shot and have their heads chopped off.

Damn if the Russert kid ain't got a pair! 'Bout fuckin' time, kid! Maybe there's hope for you yet! Maybe.

Here's something new:

Nugent became even more agitated when asked why he didn’t stand in acknowledgement “of the brave men and women of our armed forces” during the address. His response? “Both of my legs are shattered, I can’t get up and down because of the pain,” he said. “I’m actually forgoing a double knee replacement today to be here tonight.”

He then lumped Russert into the same category as Congressmen Langevin for even asking the question.

It’s not the first time Nugent has used a physical ailment as an excuse for his behavior. Last May he blew up at a CBS reporter after he insinuated the rocker wasn’t a moderate.

After the interview ended, Nugent’s wife urged him to apologize, and he justified his behavior by pointing out he was rushed to the hospital to treat a kidney stone after the outburst.

I'll file that info. Now I know right where to kick him and put a few quick sharp-knuckle rabbit punches. From one hardass rabbit. Heh.

Just a loudmouth no-class right-wing chickenhawk punk. Nothing new.

You and your terrifying orange juice

If it's Wednesday it must be Morford sounding off on ... orange juice as the symbol of our spiritually dysfunctional society.

Confession! I do not drink much orange juice. I do not ever buy those giant, brightly colored cartoon jugs that look like caricatures of life, those carefully molded plastic things covered in scripty fonts and clip-art trees and pretty, hyper-saturated oranges made to look as if your own exploited Mexican laborer picked them five minutes ago and squeezed them into a drinking glass just for you, and then died.

Neither do I. My Dad would drink nothing but freshly squeezed orange juice. He would squeeze it at home and specify it in restaurants. You could get it in restaurants in those days. He claimed that, 20 minutes after squeezing, orange juice morphed chemically into a substance exactly like rattlesnake venom. I don't know if that's true, but he believed it.

He missed out on the chemicals and food processing techniques we "enjoy" today whereby rattlesnake venom may be the least harmful thing we can consume. Freshly squeezed, of course.

Texas Rep Stomps Repugs' Pecker

Ted Nugent’s SOTU Invite Is The Best News Gun Control Advocates Have Heard All Week

If you say so...

So much for shedding the 'stupid party' label
...

For the record, I don't much care about Nugent's ridiculous antics. He's obviously a fringe extremist who uses vile language; he hasn't had a hit since the '70s; and he's generally better left ignored.

But Nugent has also gone after President Obama with rhetoric that was violent enough to get the attention of the Secret Service. Try to imagine the political world's reaction if a washed-up entertainer targeted a Republican president with violent rhetoric, and then a Democratic member of Congress invited him as a special guest to attend the State of the Union.

The whiny bastards'd have a fuckin' cow and piss all over themselves as victims of the mean-ass bully godless commie liberals. Heh.

As the Stockman/Nugent story reminds us, the problem isn't that Republicans have some "cranks, haters, and bigots"; the problem is that Republicans are a radicalized party in which "cranks, haters, and bigots" routinely dominate.

This is America. Nugent is entitled to his opinion and can spew any right-wing garbage he wants to at any volume he can manage short of an actual threat. By the same token, I can think of that washed-up has-been never-was as a drawers-crappin' chickenhawk punk that I'd dearly love to deck. That's not a threat. It's an offer. Any time, any place, asshole. I would like nothing better than for him to have to explain to his wingnut buddies that he got all those lumps and bumps and bruises when a pussy liberal kicked his ass.

Hey, WaPo, feel sumthin' tuggin' atcher lip?

TPM

The Washington Post on Tuesday issued a correction to a piece that incorrectly claimed Sarah Palin was joining the pan-arab news network Al Jazeera. In the piece, published Tuesday morning, Suzi Parker quoted The Daily Currant, a satirical news site, on Palin's move:

“As you all know, I’m not a big fan of newspapers, journalists, news anchors and the liberal media in general,” Palin told the Web site The Daily Currant. “But I met with the folks at Al-Jazeera and they told me they reach millions of devoutly religious people who don’t watch CBS or CNN. That tells me they don’t have a liberal bias.”

Actually, given Moosebreath's tenuous grasp of, well, everything, I can almost understand WaPo falling for it. Heh.

The Man Who Shot bin Laden

Raw Story

“What they offered when he came out, the day after the raid, was a form of witness protection,” Phil Bronstein told NBC host Matt Lauer. “Someone, perhaps jokingly, at the SEAL command said, ‘We can get you a job driving a beer truck in Milwaukee, and you have to break all contact with your extended family.’ It’s like a Mafia snitch.”

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

"Would you fellate that donkey?"

Dress rehearsal of the SNL opening skit you didn't see, probably because it wasn't all that funny. From Crooks and Liars. More at Raw Story.

It is not hard to imagine the pearl clutching and cries of outrage (Outrage, I tell you!) had this skit gone out on the airwaves, depicting the blatant pandering and ridiculousness of the dialogue in Washington surrounding the hearing on the nomination of Chuck Hagel to the position of Secretary of Defense. I'm sure that Lindsey Graham and his BFF Grampy McCain would be issuing a proclamation of censure and a threat to deport Lorne Michaels back to Canada. How dare SNL mock the "When did you stop beating your wife?" line of questioning that the Republicans proffered to prove how much more they love the state of Israel? I'm still wondering if anyone in the Beltway media will ever wonder why blind obeisance to Israel is considered a requirement for holding an American political office.

Oh, the irony...

Ironic Times

Netanyahu Says He'll Seek Broad Coalition to Govern
Drawing from leaders of both the right and the far right.

Note to Bibi: Using our House of Representatives as a model only works when the Southerners aren't shooting at you.

Republicans Trying to Rebrand Party
As young, forward thinking, ethnically diverse obstructionists.

Instead of old, backward thinking, racist obstructionists they are now? Less grey hair and liver spots is the only difference I can see.

Poll: Fox News Credibility Suffers Sharp Drop
Fox blames Obama, mainstream media, Satan.

Heh. Introspection isn't their strong suit.

Of interest to Fixer perhaps:

Probe Finds 680 European Soccer Matches Fixed
But the fights in the stands were real.

That sport'll soar in popularity when they figure out how to fix those. Heh.

Many more good ones today.

Banging Head On Keyboard Headline of the Day

Fox News Claims Solar Won't Work in America Because It's Not Sunny Like Germany

The stupid, it burns...

You may shoot me now...

...for there is nothing left to see.

Thanks to dBzMoviesAndEps.

I have reprinted the lyrics because I've got a hunch that vid isn't going to be there too awful long. Heh.

Fuck Me In The Ass Because I Love Jesus

..to live by God's rule
So whatever people tell me that the Bible tells me, I will do
Walk the halls of my school with my purity ring
Unlike those other girls, I've got my morals in check
It was easy to do till I got a boyfriend
And pardon my French, but he's cute as heck
And I made a pact
To keep my hymen intact
And Jesus and I are tight
Never learned about the birds and bees
I was taught to keep an aspirin in between my knees
Because the Bible says premarital sex is wrong
But Jason says that guys can't wait that long
And I don't want to lose him
To someone who'll do him
I need to figure something out
Well, there's a loophole in the scripture that works really well
So I can get him off without going to hell
It's my hail Mary full of grace
In Jesus' name, we go to fifth base
Oh, thank you for making me holy
And thank you for giving me holes to choose from
And since I'm not a godless whore
He'll have to come in the back door
Therefore
Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus
The good lord would want it that way
It's the sweet sensation of a throbbing rationalization
It's just between you and me
Because everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see
It's hard to be as pure as me
To resist the urge to lose my vaginal virginity
To wait until my marriage bed
To give my husband my unsullied maidenhead
So take your cock out
Shove it in my ass
Fuck me until you come
Oops!
I mean let's join our souls
And unite our bodies
And fly with the wings of God
Whatever you do, don't touch my clitoris
If you ring Satan's doorbell, God can't ignore this
And no prophylactics when you put it in
Because birth control's for sluts, and it's a sin
I've emptied my bowels
And laid out the towels
I'm ready for romance
I'm praying to the power that's the highest
But of all of my holes, this one's the driest
And we can't procreate if we anally copulate
And God's OK with sodomy, but only if you're straight
And I'm staying pure no matter what
So I'm OK with everything but
Everything but
Everything butt
Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus
The good lord would want it that way
Give me that sweet sensation of throbbing rationalization
It's just between you and me
Because everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see
I do whatever the Bible tells me to
Except for the parts that I choose to ignore
Because they're unrealistic and inconvenient
But the rest, I live by for sure
So let's not talk about how the good book
Bans shellfish, polyester and divorce
And how it condones slavery and killing gays
Because those parts don't count of course
Let's cherry pick the part about losing my cherry
And ? for ambiguities and omissions
And circumvent any real sacrifice
And still feel pious in my arbitrary parroted positions
And don't you dare question my convictions
And don't look closely at the contradictions
Just focus on the sacrificial crucifixion
And have faith in its complete jurisdiction
It's the only way to measure if you're good or not
And when you're in a debate, just say to have faith
Because when up against logic it's the only card you've got
So close your eyes
Take a deep breath
And
Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus
The good lord would want it that way
Give me that sweet sensation of irrational rationalization
It's just between you and me
Because everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see
Yeah, my chastity belt has locks
So sometimes you need to think outside the box