You are not patriotic ...

If you're an asshole:

...

You are not patriotic for sending sons and daughters off to die in some desert war. You are not patriotic for tying a yellow ribbon to your SUV, filled to the brim with the very oil those sons and daughters are dying over. You are not patriotic for saluting the flag while trampling every right taken away by the Patriot Act and its subsequent horrors. You are not patriotic for fighting against gay marriage. You are not patriotic for fighting to extend government's reach into the wombs of women everywhere.

You are not patriotic for cheering — yes, cheering — at the thought of Rick Perry executing hundreds of people. You are not patriotic for wanting poor people to die without medical care. You are not patriotic for wanting to shut down schools and hospitals to keep the size of government more to your liking.

...

And if you claim to be a Republican nowadays, your assholery is almost guaranteed.