Behold, Burger King home delivery! That's right, America's No. 3 fast food death machine is testing the bringing of Whoppers, BK Stackers and other grease-related, food-like items that are so full of salt and sugar and fat and synthetic hormones they will make your blood turn into glue and your face turn into Paula Deen, straight to your door!
Best part: you barely have to lift a finger. Just enough to tap a few buttons on the site/app, and within an hour, not-so-fast food will be killing you and your family faster than you can say "Damn liberals stop telling me what to eat!"
In related news, Taco Bell has reportedly developed a method of cramming its patented, fake taco meat into .44 caliber bullet casings, which, for $.99 a round, it will shoot straight in your heart over and over again, until you collapse. The Taco Bulleto™ is coming soon to a drive-by near you.
Rejoice, Paula Deen! Paula Deen is America's greasiest, butteryest, lyingest Southern-fried sweetheart! Paula Deen appears to openly despise you and does not seem to care if you get fat and sick and perhaps die from eating her bacon-wrapped deep-fried mac-and-cheese butter-dipped donut logs on a stick!
Actually, deep-fried oddball food-like substances that can kill you, morbid obesity, and early death are grand Southern traditions like racism and ignorance, but ones that I for one would never change. Why not keel face first into something that's so incredibly scrumptious that you'll never get up from the table after eating and couldn't care less? Go Paula! Kill dem crackers with love!