17 Reasons Not To Slit Your Wrists

I got this one in an e-mail from my old friend Bev over at Lake Tahoe. It copied easier at michaelmoore.com.

Read it. It'll make you feel better.

Friday, November 5th, 2004
17 Reasons Not to Slit Your Wrists...by Michael Moore

Dear Friends,

Ok, it sucks. Really sucks. But before you go and cash it all in, let's, in the words of Monty Python, “always look on the bright side of life!” There IS some good news from Tuesday's election.

Here are 17 reasons not to slit your wrists:

1. It is against the law for George W. Bush to run for president again.

2. Bush's victory was the NARROWEST win for a sitting president since Woodrow Wilson in 1916.

3. The only age group in which the majority voted for Kerry was young adults (Kerry: 54%, Bush: 44%), proving once again that your parents are always wrong and you should never listen to them.

4. In spite of Bush's win, the majority of Americans still think the country is headed in the wrong direction (56%), think the war wasn't worth fighting (51%), and don’t approve of the job George W. Bush is doing (52%). (Note to foreigners: Don't try to figure this one out. It's an American thing, like Pop Tarts.)

5. The Republicans will not have a filibuster-proof 60-seat majority in the Senate. If the Democrats do their job, Bush won't be able to pack the Supreme Court with right-wing ideologues. Did I say "if the Democrats do their job?" Um, maybe better to scratch this one.

6. Michigan voted for Kerry! So did the entire Northeast, the birthplace of our democracy. So did 6 of the 8 Great Lakes States. And the whole West Coast! Plus Hawaii. Ok, that's a start. We've got most of the fresh water, all of Broadway, and Mt. St. Helens. We can dehydrate them or bury them in lava. And no more show tunes!

7. Once again we are reminded that the buckeye is a nut, and not just any old nut -- a poisonous nut. A great nation was felled by a poisonous nut. May Ohio State pay dearly this Saturday when it faces Michigan State.

8. 88% of Bush's support came from white voters. In 50 years, America will no longer have a white majority. Hey, 50 years isn't such a long time! If you're ten years old and reading this, your golden years will be truly golden and you will be well cared for in your old age.

9. Gays, thanks to the ballot measures passed on Tuesday, cannot get married in 11 new states. Thank God. Just think of all those wedding gifts we won't have to buy now.

10. Five more African Americans were elected as members of Congress, including the return of Cynthia McKinney of Georgia. It's always good to have more blacks in there fighting for us and doing the job our candidates can't.

11. The CEO of Coors was defeated for Senate in Colorado. Drink up!

12. Admit it: We like the Bush twins and we don't want them to go away.

13. At the state legislative level, Democrats picked up a net of at least 3 chambers in Tuesday's elections. Of the 98 partisan-controlled state legislative chambers (house/assembly and senate), Democrats went into the 2004 elections in control of 44 chambers, Republicans controlled 53 chambers, and 1 chamber was tied. After Tuesday, Democrats now control 47 chambers, Republicans control 49 chambers, 1 chamber is tied and 1 chamber (Montana House) is still undecided.

14. Bush is now a lame duck president. He will have no greater moment than the one he's having this week. It's all downhill for him from here on out -- and, more significantly, he's just not going to want to do all the hard work that will be expected of him. It'll be like everyone's last month in 12th grade -- you've already made it, so it's party time! Perhaps he'll treat the next four years like a permanent Friday, spending even more time at the ranch or in Kennebunkport. And why shouldn't he? He's already proved his point, avenged his father and kicked our ass.

15. Should Bush decide to show up to work and take this country down a very dark road, it is also just as likely that either of the following two scenarios will happen: a) Now that he doesn't ever need to pander to the Christian conservatives again to get elected, someone may whisper in his ear that he should spend these last four years building "a legacy" so that history will render a kinder verdict on him and thus he will not push for too aggressive a right-wing agenda; or b) He will become so cocky and arrogant -- and thus, reckless -- that he will commit a blunder of such major proportions that even his own party will have to remove him from office.

16. There are nearly 300 million Americans -- 200 million of them of voting age. We only lost by three and a half million! That's not a landslide -- it means we're almost there. Imagine losing by 20 million. If you had 58 yards to go before you reached the goal line and then you barreled down 55 of those yards, would you stop on the three yard line, pick up the ball and go home crying -- especially when you get to start the next down on the three yard line? Of course not! Buck up! Have hope! More sports analogies are coming!!!

17. Finally and most importantly, over 55 million Americans voted for the candidate dubbed "The #1 Liberal in the Senate." That's more than the total number of voters who voted for either Reagan, Bush I, Clinton or Gore. Again, more people voted for Kerry than Reagan. If the media are looking for a trend it should be this -- that so many Americans were, for the first time since Kennedy, willing to vote for an out-and-out liberal. The country has always been filled with evangelicals -- that is not news. What IS news is that so many people have shifted toward a Massachusetts liberal. In fact, that's BIG news. Which means, don't expect the mainstream media, the ones who brought you the Iraq War, to ever report the real truth about November 2, 2004. In fact, it's better that they don't. We'll need the element of surprise in 2008.

Feeling better? I hope so. As my friend Mort wrote me yesterday, "My Romanian grandfather used to say to me, 'Remember, Morton, this is such a wonderful country -- it doesn't even need a president!'"

But it needs us. Rest up, I'll write you again tomorrow.

If that didn't work for you, slit 'em long ways. Do it in the bathtub so it'll be easier to clean up. Unless you have a Republican landlord. In that case, do it in the living room, stick your arms out sideways, and spin around while going from room to room for as long as you can. With your last breath, extend both middle fingers and SMILE!

I guess we gotta keep Michael Moore. Now, if we can just do something about that potty-mouth Whoopi Goldberg.

The Chimp Is Bigger Now

William Rivers Pitt, TruthOut.org wrote this article. From AlterNet.

It's a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don't quit when you're tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired." – Robert Strauss

I've been working on digesting the results of the election. Mark Moford of the San Francisco Chronicle gave perhaps the best description of how I am feeling: "It simply boggles the mind: we've already had four years of some of the most appalling and abusive foreign and domestic policy in American history, some of the most well-documented atrocities ever wrought on the American populace and it's all combined with the biggest and most violently botched and grossly mismanaged war since Vietnam, and much of the nation still insists in living in a giant vat of utter blind faith, still insists on believing the man in the White House couldn't possibly be treating them like a dog treats a fire hydrant."

There are a few bright spots to point to in the aftermath. John Ashcroft will reportedly resign his position before the inauguration. While it is certain that Bush will nominate another far-right lunatic to replace him, unless that nominee is Atilla the Hun, any new Attorney General will be an improvement. There is also the brewing fight between the conservatives and the neo-conservatives within the Republican Party. A number of old-style conservatives were secretly hoping for a Kerry victory, because it would give them an opening to purge the GOP of the neo-cons and the far-right religious fundamentalists from the party. Now that Bush has a second term, this fight will probably break wide open.

If the first four years of this administration are any indication of what is to come, and if the movement continues to hammer him for the next four years as it has for the last four years, the name of George W. Bush will wind up echoing down the hallways of history as the single worst President the nation has ever known. The name of George W. Bush will stand as a grave warning and a strident reminder of how badly and how quickly things can go wrong in our democracy.

This is an excellent article. Highly recommended.

America, China, and energy

From Asia Times:

TEHRAN - Speaking of business as unusual. A mere two months ago, the news of a China-Kazakhstan pipeline agreement, worth US$3.5 billion, raised some eyebrows in the world press, some hinting that China's economic foreign policy may be on the verge of a new leap forward. A clue to the fact that such anticipation may have totally understated the case was last week's signing of a mega-gas deal between Beijing and Tehran worth $100 billion. Billed as the "deal of century" by various commentators, this agreement is likely to increase by another $50 billion to $100 billion, bringing the total close to $200 billion, when a similar oil agreement, currently being negotiated, is inked not too far from now.

[. . .]

It is perhaps too early to digest fully the various economic, political and even geostrategic implications of this stunning development, widely considered a major blow to the Bush administration's economic sanctions on Iran and particularly on Iran's energy sector, notwithstanding the Iran-Libya Sanctions Act (ILSA) penalizing foreign companies daring to invest more than $20 million in Iran's oil and gas industry.

[. . .]

China is staking out its reserves knowing full well that, at the rate their economy is expanding, they will come into direct conflict with the U.S. sooner rather than later over energy availability. They also want a political say about what happens in the Mid-East, about protecting their share of the oil and gas that they need as desperately as we do. It would not surprise me if tensions between the U.S. and China escalated during the next four years of the Bush (p)residency. With the heads of U.S. energy corporations making policy here, how could it not? Should tensions arise, it would not take much (an incident between Taiwan and the mainland) to touch off hostilities on a grand scale. A best case would be another Cold War fought instead by proxies in oil-rich nations as opposed to Southeast Asia.

It's begun

A Taylor police dispatcher took the call at precisely 12:44 p.m. on Oct. 18.

A 49-year-old man said he'd just blasted a man with a revolver and a shotgun because the man said he didn't believe in God.

The dispatcher said the alleged shooter told him he'd just shot "the devil himself" and was still armed and standing over the body of the 62-year-old victim "in case he moved."

"I want to make sure he's gone," the alleged shooter told the dispatcher.

[. . .]

Just another day in Jesusland. Link via Lean Left.

Orcinus has more on the subject of hate.

Life after Arafat

One of the most insighful people on the subject of Middle East affairs, Jon at The Head Heeb, takes a look at the impact Arafat's death will have on the region.

Are you surprised?

Graphic stolen from Jesus' General.

Saturday Cattle Dog blogging

No pics of the monster today. I gotta scan a few more while the Mrs. is in Atlanta this week. Shayna will return next week at her regularly scheduled time.

Social Justice

From Matt Yglesias:

Mark Schmitt is bored of all the Jesusland business and wants to ask the right question about religion, namely "why it is that the current flourishing of religious faith has, for the first time ever, virtually no element of social justice?"

I think the answer is that it does have a strong element of social justice. Who's working to halt the spread of HIV/AIDS in Africa? Who's trying to help refugees in Darfur? Who's trying to stop global trafficking in women? Why, that would be socially conservative religious movements. For that matter, who's charged off on a neo-Wilsonian quest to spread democracy at gunpoint. The efficacy of the religious right's preferred means of spreading liberty around the world can and should be questioned, as should the sincerity of at least some of the architects of the strategy, but there's every reason to think that many -- if not most -- of the people who vote for George W. Bush and his forward strategy of freedom are perfectly sincere in their belief that this is what's happening and that it's a good idea.

[. . .]

Matt compares the Repub efforts in their social initiatives to the push toward Prohibition.

Musta Been A Democratic Lion

From The Hindustan Times via CultureGhost:

'Come bite me. Jesus will save you!'

Reuters
Taipei, November 4

A man leaped into a lion's den at the Taipei Zoo on Wednesday to try to convert the king of beasts to Christianity, but was bitten in the leg for his efforts.

"Jesus will save you!" the 46-year-old man shouted at two African lions lounging under a tree a few metres away.

"Come bite me!" he said with both hands raised, television footage showed.

One of the lions, a large male with a shaggy mane, bit the man in his right leg before zoo workers drove it off with water hoses and tranquiliser guns.

Newspapers said that the lions had been fed earlier in the day, otherwise the man might have been more seriously hurt ... or worse

Actually, Jesus did save him. JC saw to it that the lion had been fed, and provided two handlers to bail the damn fool out.

I'm glad he's there and not here. He's stupid enough to have voted for Bush.

I wonder how Jesus is gonna bail us out.

Bad Language, But Right Fuckin' On

From mnftiu:

CHIN UP.
We're smarter than those motherfuckers.
We can learn more quickly than those motherfuckers.
We can be more ruthless than those motherfuckers.
We can be some six-million-dollar motherfuckers ourselves.

Chin up.
We're more American than those motherfuckers.
We're more responsible than those motherfuckers.
We're more compassionate than those motherfuckers.
Hell, our atheists are more Christian than their Bible-thumpin' motherfuckers.

There's an election in two years.
There's nothing we can't do.

Chin up.
Because it's on, motherfuckers.
It is on.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Thanks, yelladog.

Our Future

Just discovered Campaign For America's Future. Might be worth a look.

What You See Ain't What You're Gonna Get

Jonathan Chait writes in the LATimes:

Dear rural/exurban Christian conservative voters: Congratulations on your election victory. By going to the polls in unprecedented numbers Tuesday, you overwhelmed an enormous Democratic turnout and returned President Bush to office, along with a number of very conservative senators. Now Bush is preparing to repay your efforts by moving immediately on your highest priorities: a flat tax and privatizing Social Security.

Oh, wait. You didn't particularly hanker for those things, did you? The election is so far in the past now that it has receded into a hazy memory. But as I recall, you voted for Bush because of his position on one issue — he opposes gay marriage — and on the general principle that he is a godly man who shares your values. Now Bush has decided, conveniently enough, that those values are identical to those of his wealthy financiers. (Go to any meeting of the Club for Growth, a group of affluent, libertarian-leaning Bush backers who mostly live in Washington and New York City. I'm sure you'll find them, like victorious Okla-homophobe Sen. Tom Coburn, deeply concerned about rampant high school lesbianism in the Sooner State.)

What that means is that all you small-town folk voted for him not to pursue an agenda but just because he embodies family values. That gives him political power that he can use for purposes utterly unrelated to the source of his popularity. Sure, Bush mentioned some of these purposes in the campaign. But the references tended to be perfunctory and in code. Start with taxes.

He goes on about taxes and Social Security and ends with this:

Meanwhile, what about opposing gay marriage, the one mandate Bush might legitimately claim? Earlier this year, Bush barely lifted a finger in support of a constitutional amendment banning it. (Compare this to the furious arm-twisting he performs to get moderates to back his tax cuts.) If he has a mandate to do anything, it's to bring up the amendment again. However, he's said nothing about doing so, and nobody expects him to.

No surprise there — it's hardly in the Republican Party's interest. If gay marriage is banned everywhere, what's going to bring all those heartland conservatives to the polls next time?

You know, I always thought that 'Go fuck yourself' was, besides being a little rude, an anatomical impossibility, but the Retarded Right has managed to do it beautifully, and to the rest of us as well.

What if?

Dean would have won? Via Tom Tomorrow.

Oops

(New York-WABC, November 4, 2004) — A frightening story out of New Jersey, after a school found iteslf the accidental target of an F-16 fighter jet.

It happened Wednesday night in Little Egg Harbor, in southern New Jersey.

The Little Egg Harbor Intermediate School was hit with 25 rounds of ammunition. A National Guard Jet on a nighttime training mission was supposed to fire at a target three miles from the school, but he somehow missed.

A custodian was the only person in the building at the time. Luckily he was not hurt.

[. . .]

Figures it was an Air Force weenie. I know at least one old Jarhead who's laughing his ass off. I bet that janitor had to clean his pants. 20mm makes big fucking holes.

"Red" Is Definitely Their Color

From Baghdad Burning:

To the red states (and those who voted for Bush): You deserve no better- I couldn't wish worse on you if I tried. He represents you perfectly... and red really is your color. It's the color of the blood of thousands of Iraqis and by the time this four-year catastrophe in the White House is over, thousands of Americans, likely.

I think "Reds" is a good name for them. During the Cold War (the first Cold War - this will be the second one) that's what we called Communists. For those too young to remember, the "Reds" tried to bring down America from the outside. This time, they're trying to do the same thing, but from the inside.

Our modern "Reds" are mis-guided (literally) to the point of sheer lunacy, and we must fight them with the same zeal and fervor that we fought the old "Reds". Whatever it takes.

After the lecture, here's some fun. Kinda like getting a free sandwich at the mission after listening to a sermon, huh?

I'm thinking of offering up the idea of "Election Condolences" to Hallmark or Yahoo Greetings. The cards can have those silly little poems inside of them, like:

Condolences and heartfelt tears-
You get Bush for four more years!

or

Sympathies in advance
For when they reinstate the draft!
We hope (insert_name_here) stays as safe as he/she can
And writes frequently while in Iran!

or

Bush and Cheney- what a pair!
Who said life isn't fair?
While Iraq gets tanks and occupation-
You have idiots to run your nation!

Not for very long, if me n' Fixer have anything to say about it.

The new look

Dear Readers,

I know I took some of you by surprise with the new look around here, but I've wanted to make this place a bit more unique for a while. After all, Gord and I are certainly unique, just ask our wives. And I didn't want a stock Blogger look so I stole . . . er, found this template that I adjusted to suit our needs. Looks a little classier too, and old folks like Gord and me can read it easier.

Things changed after 2 November and we're fighting a new battle now. To find the best ticket to represent the Left in '08, to get a Dem majority in the Congress in '06 (or at least be on the way to that goal), and to get Chimpy and Co. out of office ahead of time, like we did to Tricky Dick 30 years ago. The goal is (p)resident No Nuts' resignation or impeachment. Criminal indictments would be gravy. That's The Mission now, folks.

Hey, even the Jarheads got new BDUs. Look at this as our new issue too. While the mission might have changed somewhat, Gord and I will continue to provide scintillating conversation and wit, just as we did before 2 November. Thanks for your understanding. As always, comments, good or bad, are welcomed with enthusiasm.

The Fixer

Arafat in a coma

And supposedly brain-dead. That now qualifies him to run for the highest office in our land.

Update: 16:50:

Yo, Yasser, can you please die already, you stubborn old miscreant.

Worldview

From the Globe and Mail:

[. . .]

"I had previously told my friends that I support the American people but that I do not support their leader, who they did not truly choose and who did not represent their beliefs," a Parisian student said on Radio France last night.

"Now I understand that there is truly unity in their beliefs, and I am not so confident about America."

Others chose the opposite response: Realizing that Mr. Bush is now a permanent fixture and a genuine reflection of political views in the world's most important economy, leaders scrambled to mend fences.

Leaders in France, Germany and Spain, who had been hostile to Mr. Bush over the Iraq war, were unusually lavish in their efforts to talk of a new relationship with the United States.

While much of this was perfunctory diplomatic praise, senior journalists in France and Germany reported that the re-election had taken their leaders by surprise and forced a reassessment of the frayed transatlantic relationship.

"Because the Americans cannot imaginably build, direct and inspire the world all by themselves, it is necessary to try to restore American confidence in the European project," French Foreign Minister Michel Barnier said yesterday. [my emphasis]

[. . .]

Thanks to my brother-in-law(the one I like) Bob for the tip.

The Jesuslanders will see this as a good thing or will just be indifferent because their worldview only consists of what happens between the Rockies and Appalachians. If we think that we will be allowed to march around the world with impunity, we've got another thing coming. There will come a time when other nations, instead of just throwing up their hands, will attempt to actively block our imperialistic forays into the Middle East. And mark my words, the next place we go is Sudan. As opposed to the remaining members of the 'Axis of Evil', Sudan has an unstable government, no army, no WMD, and a LOT of oil. Prepare to sacrifice your kids to the sands of Africa too.

Bankruptcy

[. . .]

For his second term, Bush envisions reshaping Social Security so workers can use some taxes they pay to support the system to create personal savings accounts. He has not advanced details or cost estimates, but some analysts have estimated the 10-year price tag at between $1 trillion and $2 trillion.

Bush wants to make 2001 and 2003 tax cuts permanent they will otherwise expire by this decade's end at a roughly $1 trillion price tag. He said Thursday he wants to simplify the tax system at no net cost, but in the past such exercises have often resulted in tax cuts as part of the drive to get lawmakers' votes.

It is hard to estimate the long-term costs of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, but this year's expenses alone may approach $100 billion. Domestic security costs several tens of billions annually, while his initiatives for education and foreign aid are relatively small, just a few billion a year. [my emphasis]

[. . .]

From ABC News.

That's it, bankrupt us and turn future generations into ignorant morons. Half the population qualifies already. Fucking insane.

Update: 05:10:

More bad news from Josh Marshall:

The dollar continued its decline in global currency markets yesterday, intensifying worries among some economists that mounting U.S. budget and trade deficits could send the U.S. currency into a tailspin.

But John B. Taylor, the Treasury undersecretary for international affairs, defended the Bush administration view that the deficits pose no danger of a dollar collapse. He issued a detailed rebuttal of what he called "scare stories."

The dollar fell yesterday to within a fraction of a cent of its all-time low against the euro of $1.2930 , trading as low as $1.2898 before rallying slightly to close at $1.2867. It fell modestly against the Japanese yen, and continued a sharp slide against the Canadian dollar, which rose to 83 U.S. cents yesterday for the first time in 12 years.

[. . .]

Update: 06:00:

From WTF:

The Bush misadministration announced Wednesday that it will run out of maneuvering room to manage the government's massive borrowing needs in two weeks, putting more pressure on Congress to raise the debt ceiling when it convenes for a special post-election session.

A kick in the ass

All our prayers and best wishes to Elizabeth Edwards, John, and their family. Hopefully they caught this cancer early and she will make a full recovery.