How can you know? How do you possibly choose? How to decide which is your favorite cruelly disheartening tidbit of news to slide down the national gullet like a rancid oyster this past week?
Is it the wretched and touching fact that no one, not Repubs, not Dems, not animals or bacteria or flowers or rocks or the very air itself, no extant entity anywhere trusts George W. Bush as far as they can hurl him back to Crawford, Texas, in a quivering lump of historic failure? Is it his utter powerlessness and uselessness and ineptitude in the face of the biggest and most volatile fiscal crisis in 20 years? Might be, might be.
But wait, that's not all. Perhaps your attention is split between Bush and the crisis in D.C. and other delightful tidbits, such as John McCain's heroic "suspension" of his campaign so he could be parachute in to Washington like GI Joe's crotchety grandpa and unify his sour party and wrangle the crisis to the ground like it was an uppity "gook"?
Which do you prefer, that his silly suspension stunt was no suspension at all (his campaign kept right on going), or that his thuggish fiscal meddling only made matters worse and quite possibly fractured the vote even further, which makes it all disgustingly obvious that he's clearly willing to sabotage the country's health and stability if it will get him into the Oval Office?
Hmm. What might that be? What else could possibly be happening right now in the bleak corridors of power that's more freakishly entertaining than Congress in a fistfight or Wall Street going up in flames? Is there maybe some sort of soap opera-ish circus sideshow featuring guns and skinned moose and shiny lipstick and speaking in tongues and rumors of witches in the belfry?
Ah, yes. Sarah "Don't Ask Me Anything" Palin. What a sheer joy it's been to watch this bubbly train-wreck of a grand mistake shimmy her way into history, no? Screw the doom 'n' gloom of Bush and the end of Wall Street. At least this nutball creationist knows how to get her freak on, am I right?
It's now obvious that the McCain campaign is so desperately embarrassed by Palin and her shocking ignorance of all things complex and political and worldly, they are simply terrified of letting her speak to any media anywhere. She is being shielded like the deformed stepdaughter, like the cute puppy they bought on the cheap at the mall only to get it home and realize it's got incurable parasites and a wonky eye and pees in its sleep and will require very expensive surgery if it ever wants to digest actual food.
So, which will it be? The strangely satisfying feeling of unity brought on by universal disdain for our failed president? McCain behaving like a nearsighted Rambo stabbing the nation in the foot, accidentally on purpose? The disquieting sense that your bank and your investments are about as stable as Lindsay Lohan at Oktoberfest? Or is it Palin's girly show o' patronizing silliness, full of witches and gobbledygook responses and tales of cavemen riding the backs of dinosaurs?
I know, it's tough to choose a favorite, particularly when all appears to be one big, repellent joke. On us.
Yeah, funny. Har-dee-fuckin'-har.
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