Monday, December 29, 2008

Gifts for the Blessed

This one's time is slightly past, and I apologize for my tardiness. It's funny anyway.

Mark Morford

11 skewed ideas to make your holiday a bit more fun, strange, blasphemous

2) Wi-Fi detector shirt
Because few things say "I never want to have sex and really love being 34 and living with my parents" than a battery-powered T-shirt that actually shows the signal strength of the Wi-Fi connection around your very being. Matches perfectly with your "Meh" or "got root?" megageek hoodie. Watch hot girls avoid you like water shuns oil! Fun at all those parties you will never be invited to.

3) Gasoline storage tank
Genius! Fill your backyard reservoir with cheap gas right now, then chortle gleefully when 2010 comes and your friends are all paying 10 bucks a gallon to fill up their wimpy Prii, and suddenly there's you, roaring out to the Home Depot parking lot and burning donuts in your '96 Camaro filled with $1.19 unleaded. Dude! Foresight!

Note to Bustedknuckles, who was the first to bring this thing to my attention: They've discovered it in Frisco. Now everybody will want one!

5) Giant 1/3 scale remote-controlled tank
Military fetishists! Rural backwoods survivalists! Dick Cheney! Now is the time to pull out that last ten grand from the bomb shelter and get yourself a huge remote-controlled tank, an exact scale replica of the ones they used to thwart Commies and crush Saddam and run over Falun Gong believers in China. Apocalypse is nigh, after all. Why not destroy the lawn first?

Be sure to photograph yourself next to your Tiger 1 or Joseph Stalin 2 (biggest gun ever!) and send it in to the site for manly posterity. Chicks really dig that stuff. "My, you've sure got a giant turret, Ned!" she will surely gasp. "Does it spin around and rumble and shake my bowels? Can we keep it in the house? Will it terrify the dog and ruin the garden?" Hell yes, baby.

Truth is, no matter how bleak and economically depressed our country may be right now, in comparison to some of these developing regions, we are blessed beyond belief. We are packed with gifts and miracles, plenty to go around. What, you were saving up for a new Chrysler Sebring? As if.

Truth is. me'n Mrs. G opted out of the whole gift deal this year. Her family decided to forego gifts for the adults years ago and it's been a blessing. Mrs. G managed to get presents for 5 kids for $33, and it was all stuff they wanted. The woman is a genius, and not just for marrying me...

We are not going to be much help at consumer-spending the nation out of the depression the Repugs got us into. Tough shit.


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