FAQ the Pope

Will Durst

Q. When was the last time a pope retired?

A. Thursday.

Q. No, before that.

A. July 4, 1415. Gregory XII stepped down to head off on a hot weekend with his brother- in- law’s sister’s seamstress’ pool boy in Sardinia.
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Q. Is it true the Catholic Church is fast tracking the election process?

A. Yes, they’ve thrown themselves into a frenzy of hyperactivity. Which means accelerating all the way past erosion right up to snail’s pace. For instance they have yet to meet to decide when to convene.

Q. Who gets to vote for the new Pope?

A. All Cardinals under the age of 80 not currently under indictment are allowed to vote.
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Q. How does this vote work?

A. For the first seven rounds, a 2/3rds majority if required, after that just 50% plus one. In the past, the College of Cardinals have been deadlocked for up to three years. which would make a great mini-series. NBC should jump on this.

Q. What’s the deal with the smoke?

A. After each vote, the ballots are burned. If no winner is picked, a chemical is added to make the smoke black. If there is a winner, no chemical added- smoke remains white. Green smoke is just some priest encouraging Romans to recycle.

Q. What kind of shot do Americans have?

A. None. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Nothing. Really, does it always have to be about us?

Q. Who the fuck cares?