Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Comfort Food

If it's Wednesday it must be Morford going on about Paula Deen, instaheartattack food, da Catlick Choich, and Scott "Workers Suck" Walker. Va-hoo-hahs too! Enjoy.

Behold, Burger King home delivery! That's right, America's No. 3 fast food death machine is testing the bringing of Whoppers, BK Stackers and other grease-related, food-like items that are so full of salt and sugar and fat and synthetic hormones they will make your blood turn into glue and your face turn into Paula Deen, straight to your door!

Best part: you barely have to lift a finger. Just enough to tap a few buttons on the site/app, and within an hour, not-so-fast food will be killing you and your family faster than you can say "Damn liberals stop telling me what to eat!"

In related news, Taco Bell has reportedly developed a method of cramming its patented, fake taco meat into .44 caliber bullet casings, which, for $.99 a round, it will shoot straight in your heart over and over again, until you collapse. The Taco Bulleto™ is coming soon to a drive-by near you.

Rejoice, Paula Deen! Paula Deen is America's greasiest, butteryest, lyingest Southern-fried sweetheart! Paula Deen appears to openly despise you and does not seem to care if you get fat and sick and perhaps die from eating her bacon-wrapped deep-fried mac-and-cheese butter-dipped donut logs on a stick!

Actually, deep-fried oddball food-like substances that can kill you, morbid obesity, and early death are grand Southern traditions like racism and ignorance, but ones that I for one would never change. Why not keel face first into something that's so incredibly scrumptious that you'll never get up from the table after eating and couldn't care less? Go Paula! Kill dem crackers with love!


Fixer said...

Why not keel face first into something that's so incredibly scrumptious that you'll never get up from the table after eating and couldn't care less?

There's worse ways to go.

Gordon said...

It would be embarrassing to some gals to have to have the EMTs come and extract your lifeless, grinning form...

Phil said...

I grew up with a a Southern Grandmother and we had pork chops for breakfast sometimes.
Always had fried taters and onions, fried eggs , lots of home made biscuits with home made gravy, damn, I miss that woman thirty years after she died.
Hell, I can remember wringing a chickens neck right in front of me when I was five and the fucking thing took off with no head and ran under the back shed.
She told me to either crawl under that spider web infested fucker and get that chicken or there wasn't going to be any dinner the next day.

I'll tell ya, I was scared spitless but I got under that shed and drug that fucking chicken out pronto.
She then proceeded to take it in the kitchen and dunk it in boiling water to soften up the pin feathers and plucked that sukka while just chatting away like nothing happened.

She used to make Blackberry cobbler from scratch and you kinda get the idea.

Paula, on the other hand , kinda cheats and I personally call her the Butter Queen.
I have never seen anyone use so much fucking butter while cooking, even a french bakery would be blushing.

She makes a ton of money and hiding her illness while doing so sounds just like a a Southern woman who is making tons of money and can only eat her own style of cooking while taping the show.

It's America, after all.

I do wonder what tax rate she is paying though......

Nobody beat Grannies chicken.

BadTux said...

If it ain't fried, it ain't food. --Old Southern Saying

I already mentioned *my* Southern granny's biscuits, which she cooked fresh every morning in an iron skillet which had been used to fry bacon shortly before the biscuit batter went in. One of them things was stout, they were all greasy and buttery and one of them with a sausage in the middle was my granddad's mid-daymeal at the sawmill, and he weren't no small guy. The bacon grease got poured off into *another* iron skillet, which was then used to fry eggs. So there ya go, eggs, bacon, and biscuit, that's breakfast. It was expected that you'd put some butter in the biscuit as well as some fruit preserves, fruit preserves that she'd laid up from her fruit trees the prior season.

But that was 'cause that's what folks had back when she was a kid Salted/smoked bacon would last weeks without refrigeration, and you couldn't do yeast bread 'cause yeast wouldn't survive Southern summers, so you had to do soda bread, i.e, biscuits. And the eggs came from the yard chickens fresh that morning of course.

Paula Deen, on the other hand... look. I like butter. But it's possible to go too far. You put too much butter and it makes it too bitter. Ya gotta balance the flavors, the sweet and the bitter, or it's just not right. Most of her recipes would work better if you cut half the butter out and replaced it with sweet milk and/or vegetable oil. My Granny had a cow when my mom was growing up, and they churned their own butter, but I don't ever remember her going crazy with the butter like Paula Deen. I do remember everything tasting vaguely like bacon grease though :).

-Badtux the Southern Penguin

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