Saturday, November 1, 2008
Canuckistanians Punk Palin
[A big Brain welcome to Larisa's readers - F]
Be very careful about ingesting liquids for the next few minutes. Hot or carbonated ones especially. They'll make yer nose hurt on the way out...
The Canadian Press
Gee, I thought Moosebreath would have been able to see Canada from her house easier than Russia...
We actually had sort of an inkling of that anyway, mon frere, but thanks just the same.
We'll let ya out on January 20. It was a good gag and well worth you doing a little time in a tropical paradise. Hell, you Canucks are tough. You can do 78 days standin' on yer heads with yer balls on fire. Heh.
It's funny, but a little scary too. Ol' Sarah fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I wonder if she's waitin' for a buncha checks from Nigerian royalty to put back into Alaska's treasury?
Be very careful about ingesting liquids for the next few minutes. Hot or carbonated ones especially. They'll make yer nose hurt on the way out...
The Canadian Press
MONTREAL — In an over-the-top accent, one half of a notorious Quebec comedy duo claims to be the president of France as he describes sex with his famous wife, the joy of killing animals and Hustler magazine's latest Sarah Palin porno spoof.
At the other end of the line? An oblivious Sarah Palin.
The Masked Avengers, a radio pairing notorious for prank calls to celebrities and heads of state, notched its latest victory Saturday when it released a recording of a six-minute call with Palin, who thought she was talking with Nicolas Sarkozy.
Throughout the conversation, Audette drops plenty of clues that something's amiss.
He identifies French singer and actor Johnny Hallyday as his special adviser to the U.S., singer Stef Carse as Canada's prime minister and Quebec comedian and radio host Richard Z. Sirois as the provincial premier.
Gee, I thought Moosebreath would have been able to see Canada from her house easier than Russia...
Audette then tells her his wife, Carla Bruni, a singer and former model, was jealous to hear Sarkozy would be speaking to Palin. "Give her a big hug for me," Palin responds.
Audette goes on to describe Bruni as "hot in bed" and claims she's written a song for Palin, the French title of which translates as "Lipstick on a Pig." In English, Audette says the song is about Joe the Plumber.
Finally, he mentions a notorious Hustler video titled "Nailin' Paylin," describing it as "the documentary they made on your life."
"Oh, good, thank you, yes," Palin replies.
In an interview Saturday, Audette told The Canadian Press it wasn't easy setting up the interview with Republican presidential candidate John McCain's running mate, and described the accomplishment as the pair's biggest triumph to date.
"It really took a lot of work," he said.
"We had to go through the Secret Service, the people in her entourage. It's the biggest coup so far. We're proud to add (this prank) to our top hits."
It took the pair, known for securing surreptitious interviews with celebrities, politicians and heads of state, five days to set up the call, Audette said. The secret to getting powerful people on the line? Time and persistence.
"I wanted to see how (Palin) was on an intellectual level," Audette said, comparing the latest prank to the duo's crank call with pop idol Britney Spears.
"You can see that she's, well, not really brilliant."
We actually had sort of an inkling of that anyway, mon frere, but thanks just the same.
Audette, too, was contrite afterward.
"I hope we won't have a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay."
We'll let ya out on January 20. It was a good gag and well worth you doing a little time in a tropical paradise. Hell, you Canucks are tough. You can do 78 days standin' on yer heads with yer balls on fire. Heh.
Known as the "Masked Avengers," they've been popular on the Quebec comedy scene for a decade.
The Avengers, who have a regular show on Montreal radio station CKOI, will air the full interview on the eve of the U.S. elections. It can also be heard in full on their website www.justiciers.tv.
It's funny, but a little scary too. Ol' Sarah fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I wonder if she's waitin' for a buncha checks from Nigerian royalty to put back into Alaska's treasury?
Music for the next 90 or so hours
Peter, Paul, Mary and John Sebastian — The Times They Are A Changin'
Quote of the Day
Charles M. Blow, NYT:
As the Girl Of My Dreams sez, "It could happen!"
Of course, anything could happen. There are three days left. McCain could still win. And, a drunk man wearing a blindfold could get a puck past Marc-André Fleury.
As the Girl Of My Dreams sez, "It could happen!"
McCain's First Question to God on Judgment Day: "I really blew it with Palin, did I not?"
To which God replied,"Ya sure as shit did, Sparky, but at least ya didn't throw 'my friend' inta yer question. Good thing. Ya barely made Purgatory anyway and it's gonna be long enough as it is."
P.M. Carpenter
Just as an aside, that's pretty much the whole basis of pie-in-the-sky christianity - miracles yesterday, miracles tomorrow. Sorry, no miracles today. In McCain's case, I think it's more karma than miracle. Garbage in, garbage out.
Maybe, maybe not. Maybe God's just feeling guilty and ashamed of himself for the awful practical joke he's played on us since 1980 and the capper, the flaming bag of dog poop on our doorstep since 2001. And well he should.
P.M. Carpenter
The Christian Right, God love 'em, must be slippin' a bit. Or at least they are in Ohio, home of the Lord's once-red 20 electoral votes.
According to the New York Times this morning there are, in the Buckeye State, "evangelical radio stations featur[ing] pastors praying for God to help voters ignore these 'awful' polls and vote His will."
I had to read that twice to sort out the inherent, medieval hocus-pocus and comprehend the revised, contemporary chain of command, but mostly I read it again -- and again, and yet again, I confess -- to savor the dawn of their disbelief.
In the real world -- the one in which it is human actions that portend human consequences -- one still marvels at just how badly John McCain balled things up; so badly, even the unholiest of holy rollers now suspect that God Himself won't pull his sorry butt out of the fire. Or so it is written.
But they should relax and pause and consider the one truly miraculous aspect of John McCain's campaign. We don't witness many honest-to-God miracles these days -- in fact, I'm told, it's been at least a couple thousand years -- but McCain, with or without celestial assistance, managed to pull one off.
Just as an aside, that's pretty much the whole basis of pie-in-the-sky christianity - miracles yesterday, miracles tomorrow. Sorry, no miracles today. In McCain's case, I think it's more karma than miracle. Garbage in, garbage out.
He managed, that is, to accomplish what had heretofore been regarded as the absolutely humanly impossible: He managed to make his presidential candidacy about his vice-presidential choice.
At one time McCain might have been able to bamboozle just enough of the GOP base and wandering independents on policy matters of the economy, war, energy, and so on. But with Palin he undercut his claim to judgment, and the general electorate's ensuing lack of confidence in that judgment then bled over.
Doubtless there were many electoral factors over which McCain had no direct control -- the timing of the housing bust, the stock market's implosion, increasing joblessness, a brutally unpopular president of GOP brand, etc. etc. These, combined, likely doomed McCain from the get-go. All he needed to seal the deal was Gov. Sarah Palin. And till the day he meets his maker, he'll kick himself for having taken that gamble, mournfully wondering if things could have been different.
Maybe, maybe not. Maybe God's just feeling guilty and ashamed of himself for the awful practical joke he's played on us since 1980 and the capper, the flaming bag of dog poop on our doorstep since 2001. And well he should.
Saturday Historical Crazy Redneck Music Blogging
Kitty Wells earned the title "Queen of Country Music" back when it wasn't easy.
Thanks to Gatorrock786.
In 1952, Paul Cohen, then A&R for Decca Records, was looking for a female singer to record the answer to Hank Thompson's number one hit, "The Wild Side Of Life". He asked if Kitty would be interested in recording, "It Wasn't God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels". Even though the Grand Ole Opry banned the song and she was not allowed to perform it on the air at the time, the song became a million seller. Kitty Wells became the very first woman to top the US country charts.
Thanks to Gatorrock786.
Sin City
Even after forty years this is still one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite groups.
Flying Burrito Brothers
Dia De Los Muertos
Halloween the way us gabachos do it is just dumb. For 364 days a year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers. Then on one grand and glorious night, they are to go ask as many strangers as they can for as much candy as they can. Yeesh. I guess the metaphorical idea is that when death comes calling, you better give it something so it'll go away and leave you alone. Kinda like the IRS.
Mexicans do it right. They live a lot closer to death than we do and accept it as part of life instead of being scared shitless of it like we are. Their ghosts and ghoulies don't come out, they come home. Dia De Los Muertos is a family affair. Hit the link. It'll keep ya busy for hours if ya get into it.
They remind me of a coupla ol' gals I useta know, too...
That'd get ya arrested most places in this country!
Costumes, political comments, satire, and barnyard animals? Wheeeeee! Now there's a party!
Americans in general are pretty religious, sometimes in very confused and awful ways, but not very spiritual. I think I like the way other cultures do it a lot better.
Mexicans do it right. They live a lot closer to death than we do and accept it as part of life instead of being scared shitless of it like we are. Their ghosts and ghoulies don't come out, they come home. Dia De Los Muertos is a family affair. Hit the link. It'll keep ya busy for hours if ya get into it.
Catrinas, one of the most popular figures of the Day of the Dead celebrations in Mexico
They remind me of a coupla ol' gals I useta know, too...
Plans for the festival are made throughout the year, including gathering the goods to be offered to the dead. During the period of November 1 and November 2, families usually clean and decorate graves;[2] most visit the cemeteries where their loved ones are buried and decorate their graves with ofrendas, or offerings, which often include orange marigolds called "cempasúchitl" (originally named cempoalxochitl, Nahuatl for "twenty (i.e., many) flowers"). In modern Mexico this name is often replaced with the term "Flor de Muerto" ("Flower of the Dead"). These flowers are thought to attract souls of the dead to the offerings.
Toys are brought for dead children (los angelitos, or little angels), and bottles of tequila, mezcal, pulque or atole for adults. Families will also offer trinkets or the deceased's favorite candies on the grave. Ofrendas are also put in homes, usually with foods such as candied pumpkin, pan de muerto ("bread of the dead") or sugar skulls and beverages such as atole. The ofrendas are left out in the homes as a welcoming gesture for the deceased.[2] Some people believe the spirits of the dead eat the "spiritual essence" of the ofrenda food, so even though the celebrators eat the food after the festivities, they believe it lacks nutritional value. Pillows and blankets are left out so that the deceased can rest after their long journey. In some parts of Mexico, such as the towns of Mixquic, Pátzcuaro and Janitzio, people spend all night beside the graves of their relatives.
That'd get ya arrested most places in this country!
Many other cultures around the world have similar traditions of a day set aside to visit the graves of deceased family members. Often included in these traditions are celebrations, food and beverages, in addition to prayers and remembrances of the departed.
During the Nepali holiday of Gai Jatra ("Cow Pilgrimage"), every family who has lost a family member during the previous year makes a construction of bamboo branches, cloth, paper decorations and portraits of the deceased, called a "gai." Traditionally, a cow leads the spirits of the dead into the next land. Depending on local custom, either an actual live cow, or a construct representing a cow may be used. The festival is also a time to dress up in costume, including costumes involving political comments and satire.
Costumes, political comments, satire, and barnyard animals? Wheeeeee! Now there's a party!
Americans in general are pretty religious, sometimes in very confused and awful ways, but not very spiritual. I think I like the way other cultures do it a lot better.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Absolute worst-case election scenarios. Let us purge.
Mark Morford
Oh yeah, that helped. I feel much better now. Not good enough yet. Wednesday morning will tell the tale.
So then, here is what we'll do. In the large block of text below, I'll attempt to squeeze in all those nasty scenarios, all the worst-case jinxes and tricks and circumstances I've heard to date which have even the slightest chance in remote burning hell of coming to pass -- and maybe a few that don't, just in case.
I will include every insane curveball that could possibly go wrong next week, things that could somehow derail Obama's meteoric run and put Angry Grandpa and Caribou Barbie into office. I will trick the coding to put this text into relatively tiny type so as to make it all less apt to swarm your consciousness with Thoughts That Should Not Be.
One snag: The limitations of this format preclude me from surrounding this text with powerful glyphs and talismans so as to create a positive countercharge. That's where you come in. Before you continue, I encourage you to first take a deep breath, ground yourself, perhaps hold onto something meaningful and cosmically supercharged. Buddha necklace? Mala beads? Shot of dark rum and silver vibrator and a Pocket Bible dipped in dark chocolate and lavender body oil blessed by a pagan witch? Perfect.
Ready? Here we go ...
The Bradley effect strikes hard. An NYT poll found a third of all voters personally know someone who won't vote for Obama solely because he's black. Upshot: America's latent racism rears up like Cthulhu and millions vote for Angry Grandpa out of sheer bigotry and fear of gangsta rap. Obama is assassinated. Obama is struck by a meteor. Obama is killed by giant knobby tire accidentally flung from nearby monster truck rally in West Virginia. McCain pulls Osama bin Laden out the rec room of one of his seven homes and shoots him dead on live TV, right before Sarah Palin lifts her $800 Valentino pencil skirt to reveal a shocking birthmark on her right ass cheek that looks exactly like Jesus shooting a moose from a snowmobile. The Undecideds all go for McCain because, when in doubt, vote for the guy who wants to bomb all the scary turban-wearing people. McCain wins because record numbers of blissed-out young liberals think Obama's a lock, and therefore forget to vote because they're too busy texting their champagne preferences to their Twitter feeds via iPhone. The GOP cooks the voter rolls in Missouri. The GOP cooks the voter rolls in Indiana. The GOP cooks the voter rolls in a half-dozen other battleground states and steals Florida by promising free pudding and Lipitor to every retiree who votes for McPalin. The U.S. economy rebounds in 24 hours and people decide they have no more need for hope and progress because there's a ginormous sale at Old Navy. China invades. Russia invades. India invades, but mostly to offer tech support. Bush declares martial law, but misunderstands and calls it "partial law" and hence everyone starts raping and pillaging, but only a little. Joe the Plumber is revealed to be the father of Bristol Palin's baby and Bristol Palin. Rupert Murdoch buys all media and threatens that unless the nation votes for McCain, he's killing off everything except Fox News and putting Bill O'Reilly in charge of the New York Times. John McCain pulls one final Hail Mary stunt, dumps Sarah Palin and brings on Angelina Jolie, then quickly dumps Jolie and brings on David Beckham, dumps Becks and brings on the Dark Lord Sauron, safe in the knowledge that King Aragorn is off in elf-land nailing Liv Tyler. Finally, Reverse Rapture strikes: All Christians and conservatives are crammed into a giant vacant Wal-Mart in Salt Lake City while all hippies and liberals are whisked straight to heaven, which turns out to be exactly like Hawaii, but with better Mexican food.
There now. Don't you feel better? All phantom demons purged? Excellent. Have fun voting. Should be one hell of a party.
Oh yeah, that helped. I feel much better now. Not good enough yet. Wednesday morning will tell the tale.
McCain to give 30-minute closing argument
CLG
I hope McCain realizes that if he had gone back to his former set of bad principles instead of sticking to the ones he had to espouse to whore himself to his party to get their nomination, he'da at least stood a chance.
Note to Johnny boy: If ya really wanta make a newsworthy splash with your 'closing argument' time it so yer head, heart, and ass simultaneously explode just before the credits roll.
PHOENIX -- (PTSD News) -- To counter Senator Barack Obama's unprecedented half-hour "Closing Argument to the Everyman" that aired on several networks, Senator John McCain announced that he will be airing his own closing argument on Fox tomorrow night. Entitled "Thanks for Nothing, You Ungrateful Whores," the speech is basically a rant of all "the unfiltered straight talk the party bosses stifled me from saying for all these long months," according to McCain.
The presentation begins with McCain in full military uniform holding a picture of Barack Obama and saying "terrorist Muslim socialist" for ten minutes. McCain then blasts his own party for putting "the straight talker in a straight jacket." He calls the Republican party a bunch of bible-thumping morons who are following George W. Bush to the gates of hell because "that's surely where that sadist is headed."
"And thanks a lot, you imbeciles, who made me select Palin over Lieberman," McCain says. "Friggin' Mike Tyson would have been a better choice. He would have split the black vote and could have at least bitten off Biden’s ear at the debate. Seeing Russia from her house, my ass," McCain sneers as he pumps a cardboard cutout of Sarah Palin full of lead.
The last ten minutes are almost completely incomprehensible except for the phrase "friggin' economy" and "eight, nine houses, what's the goddamn difference?" The presentation ends with McCain staring into the camera and saying, "I'm John McCain, and I didn't approve of any of this crap."
"Once the American people can see the real John McCain giving them the unfettered straight talk," said Rick Davis, head of the McCain campaign, "they will know exactly who to vote for."
I hope McCain realizes that if he had gone back to his former set of bad principles instead of sticking to the ones he had to espouse to whore himself to his party to get their nomination, he'da at least stood a chance.
Note to Johnny boy: If ya really wanta make a newsworthy splash with your 'closing argument' time it so yer head, heart, and ass simultaneously explode just before the credits roll.
"Bastille moments" ...
I've been saying the U.S. needs a "Bastille moment" for years. Comrade Misfit found this, via Krugman, that illustrates my point perfectly:
Ckick to ensharpen.
This is why ...
The Dems piss me off:
Fuck Lieberman. He should be kicked to the curb and made to sit by himself in a corner of the Senate chamber. Better yet, make him sit with his butt buddies, the Republicans.
This asshole has done more to undermine the Dems over the past few years and now is not the time to let bygones be bygones. He chaired the committee that looked into Katrina abuses and mismanagement and didn't even hold a hearing. He's given too much cover to Rethugs to let him slide.
And just an addendum: I shouldn't have to explain this to the Dems but, and I'm making a big assumption that things will go well on Tuesday, now is the time to make people pay for what went on over the past 8 years, not "let bygones be bygones". It's time to exact a price for running this nation into the ground and Lieberman owes a lot.
...
One Democratic source said Lieberman is not likely to lose his position in the Democratic caucus, even if the party picks up several seats in next week's election... "There's no sense in cutting off our nose to spite our face," one source said.
...
Fuck Lieberman. He should be kicked to the curb and made to sit by himself in a corner of the Senate chamber. Better yet, make him sit with his butt buddies, the Republicans.
This asshole has done more to undermine the Dems over the past few years and now is not the time to let bygones be bygones. He chaired the committee that looked into Katrina abuses and mismanagement and didn't even hold a hearing. He's given too much cover to Rethugs to let him slide.
And just an addendum: I shouldn't have to explain this to the Dems but, and I'm making a big assumption that things will go well on Tuesday, now is the time to make people pay for what went on over the past 8 years, not "let bygones be bygones". It's time to exact a price for running this nation into the ground and Lieberman owes a lot.
"Tinker to Evers to Chance"*
Check how KO builds a daisy chain with the help of Turdblossom and Julieannie.
*Given KO's knowledge and love of America's pastime, I'm surprised he didn't break into a little Baseball's Sad Lexicon by Franklin Pierce Adams, 1910.
*Given KO's knowledge and love of America's pastime, I'm surprised he didn't break into a little Baseball's Sad Lexicon by Franklin Pierce Adams, 1910.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Here it comes...
ABC News
Well, you know damn good and well that McCain is "desperately looking for any hint of a bin Laden statement". It may be the only 'Hail Mary' that will help him.
Note to McCain: Call Bush. He can get his old family friend Osama to cough something up for you. The last time he did that was for himself, and it worked.
It helped Bush and hurt Kerry. I'm not sure it would have the same effect on McCain and Obama this time. I hope we don't have to find out.
U.S. Expects Bin Laden Message Near Election
As we race toward Election Day, sources say a number of intelligence analysts have concluded it is critical for al Qaeda's top leader to be seen or heard, if only for public relations purposes. Those analysts believe that if bin Laden is not heard from, he runs the risk of being considered irrelevant or impotent. The U.S. intelligence community has some indication that there is some confusion among Islamic radicals about their leadership.
According to sources, the full weight of the intelligence electronic eavesdropping and human sourcing is right now desperately looking for any hint of a bin Laden statement. So far there is only rumor, no hard evidence a message is coming, officials said.
Well, you know damn good and well that McCain is "desperately looking for any hint of a bin Laden statement". It may be the only 'Hail Mary' that will help him.
Note to McCain: Call Bush. He can get his old family friend Osama to cough something up for you. The last time he did that was for himself, and it worked.
In 2004, bin Laden released a message in the days just before the election. Though some believe that the message affected the outcome in favor of President Bush, exit poll data do not support that notion. Among voters who called the tape "very important" in their vote, Kerry won, 53-47 percent. Among those who called it either very or somewhat important, the vote was 50-50. It was among those who called it unimportant that Bush won, by 56-43 percent.
It helped Bush and hurt Kerry. I'm not sure it would have the same effect on McCain and Obama this time. I hope we don't have to find out.
The Angry Old Man of the Desert and Whoopee the Ice Queen
Garrison Keillor
Amen.
Credit where credit is due dept.: I got linked to this and the next two posts down via YubaNet. In related news, I gotta go find my snowthrower and gas it up.
[...] The country longs for a president who can talk and think at the same time. We've been locked up with the Current Occupant for way too long and the thought of replacing him with the Angry Old Man of the Desert and Whoopee the Ice Queen is miserable in the extreme.
Most of my Republican friends are people who are not ashamed of having worked hard and done well in school, and their party's frantic appeal to anti-intellectualism is nothing they care to sign up for. Time to nip that sucker in the bud. The party needs to reform itself around some coherent philosophy of governance and vision of the future and for that, it must take a trip to the wilderness. They are quietly supporting the skinny guy this time around. They might tell a pollster otherwise but that's what they will do. Call it the Palin Effect.
Even Mr. Burly of Tulsa expressed sorrow over McCain's campaign, the jerkiness and desperation of it, and admiration for Barack's steadiness, his cool, his straightforward articulation and the old-fashioned story of his rise in the world. I thought about that the next day, flying to Philly and walking over to Independence Hall and riding the train to Lancaster through the little towns of old brick row houses, the red and golden trees, the trim farmyards and the fields of tan stubble, a state McCain has scrapped hard for even as he sank in the polls. I suppose he looks at that classic Rockwell landscape and those hardy German Lutheran faces and thinks those are his people and how can they possibly go for a Harvard Law graduate from the South Side of Chicago whose last name is Obama, for crying out loud?
They can and they will. Colin Powell was right when he called the guy a transformational candidate. We walk through the door and we close it behind us and the simplicity of it is dazzling. That's how it happens. You walk aboard a plane and glance into the cockpit and there's a woman in the left-hand seat, and who these days would even think this worthy of comment? You see Latino men and women moving up whose grandparents picked row crops for a living. In Tulsa, in 1921, there was a big race riot following the arrest of a young black man who was alleged to have touched a white woman on the arm. Fighting in the streets, neighborhoods torched, the National Guard called in -- and this story seems medieval to us, a dark age almost beyond our ken. That culture is gone, gone, gone, and on Tuesday we bury it by the simple democratic process of voting for the best man even though his father was African.
In America, a man is not held responsible for choosing his parents, only for his own life and conduct. This man promises to take us into a new era where we aren't defined by our differences, Short vs. Tall, Pale vs. Freckled, and can take a deep breath and do what's best for the country.
Amen.
Credit where credit is due dept.: I got linked to this and the next two posts down via YubaNet. In related news, I gotta go find my snowthrower and gas it up.
Worst Campaign Ever
Will Durst
Much, much more.
[...] Maybe John McCain is deliberately trying to throw the election. "Let me get this straight. Ten trillion in debt? Losing two wars? Tampa Bay in the World Series? Not what I envisioned when I gave this country the best five years of my life. Barack, my man, this one is all yours."
Have you seen him lately? The GOP nominee is running around the country like an ornery troll with irritable bowel syndrome. Stamping his feet and shaking his fists and spitting and shouting and whose playbook is that a page out of? Rumplestilskin, Ross Perot or Naomi Campbell?
Much, much more.
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